Bad Day

I've realized today that I am naturally the strong person. Things bother me, but I push them aside to make other people happy. Someone once told me that doing that will only make it worse for myself in the long run. I brushed them off, telling myself that I've been doing it for so long that it wouldn't happen to me. Unfortunately, this person was right as lately I have started to find flaws in my plan. I am not as strong as I used to be. As much as I hate change, I have changed a lot, and my mental strength was one of the first things to go. Of course, I'm much too stubborn to ever admit that out loud, but that is the beauty of a blog. No one judges you.

Today was a bad day. Well, I guess it wasn't really a bad day, it was just one of those kind of days that puts you in a bad mood. Maybe not even that. It was a series of events that happened to me that put me in a bad mood but would only party bug any other person.

It started off okay. I managed to sleep in a little before being woken up by a loud toddler begging me to make her lunch though she had just finished her breakfast. I went downstairs to discover a note. It was a list of things to do while my mother was out. Quickly I realized that I was home alone with Lilly and was expected to babysit. (Place a tally mark on the bad day side.) I didn't let it bother me too much; this isn't the first time I've been left alone to babysit before I even knew I had to do it.

It happens to be my dad's birthday, so when my mom got home, her, Lilly, and I all went out to pick up some stuff for his birthday. On the ride, we got into a little argument. She told me that I should have studied more in high school so that I could be top of my class. If I were top of my class, I could get more scholarships. If I got more scholarships, I wouldn't owe as much money. If I had gone to RIC, I could have gone for a lot cheaper. If I were this or if I were that, I would be so much better than the person I am now. Guess what mom? I actually like how my life turned out.
I studied as much as I could in high school while still keeping up with my sports (which i was fairly successful in, thank you very much) and clubs and community service (which got me little to nothing besides moral growth). I had a job on top of it all and babysat all of the kids whenever I was asked. I kept to my curfew (which I never broke). I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. I rarely got to hang out with friends for social reasons, not school reasons. And I never complained.
Class rank barely mattered. A white, middle class girl with both parents won't get any money, no matter what her class rank is. If I had gone to RIC, yeah obviously it would have been cheaper. You know what would have been even cheaper than that? CCRI. Is this seriously coming from the same woman who told me she didn't want me to go to URI because I had always dreamed of going to school in Boston of New York? What happened to that support?

Our conversation drifted to talk of money and how I really don't have any. In an effort to change this, I managed to get three jobs this summer. I am currently working two of them and I start training for the third in a couple of weeks. I make a pretty good chunk of change at one and I just got promoted at the other. Right now I am trying to figure out how I can keep all three and still have some kind of life over the summer. I am willing to give up the life part if I can get all of the jobs to get on a schedule where they don't conflict.

The conversation took a turn for the worse when my mom told me that I wasn't working enough. I need to get another job. According to her, if I'm home, I could be working. Let's count the problems here. 1. I do not have a car. 2. They will not let me use their cars. 3. They get pissed when they have to drive me to work. 4. They refuse to help me purchase a car despite the promise that I will pay them back as soon as I get the money from the three jobs I currently hold. 5. I'm just plain not good enough for them anymore. It seems to be the truth lately.

I'm not in high school anymore. I don't get the same grades (ignoring the fact that I am top of my classes, despite the fact that I don't get an A). I don't do sports, so I am not good at anything althletic in their eyes anymore. I only inconvenience them now that I'm home. I just can't please them. God knows I try, and I will never stop. I hate making them upset or doing things that will disappoint them. That's why it hurts so bad when I give my parents things I'm proud of to show them my progress or whatever the case may be, and the response I get from my mom is "you know (insert name here) could've done a much better job...?" Time to get to the grind and try harder I guess.

I've done my best not to argue with anyone while I'm home. I don't want to cause trouble. It's just getting hard when people try to push my buttons to get a reaction. Unfortunately, it's working. I'm not keen on being slapped across the facee by my brother. As a sixteen (or close enough to sixteen) year old boy, you figure he would understand chivalry, or at least know that hitting a girl is wrong. I don't see how he gets off doing it with no consequence. It's everything I have in me not to give it right back tenfold. In my family, this is considered showing weakness, so even not fighting back is working against me. My mom says I don't fight back because I know I will lose. The truth? I don't fight back because I don't want her to complain to me about the hospital bills she will have to pay when Dan gets rushed away in an ambulance.

Lack of strength isn't the only thing my mom finds wrong with me physically. According to her I am thick around the thighs, my feet are ugly, my boobs are too big, my nose it long and pointy, I have too much acne, my teeth are looking a little yellow, my arms are flabby, and I need to "work on your abs so you can at least have that for a beach bod". Well, gee mom, anything else? Wait, yes there is. I should shower more often because my body has a tendency to overheat when I work and when I overheat, I sweat and when I sweat, I smell. But get another job right? Right...

So continuing on my bad day:
The rest isn't so bad. The Bruins lost. I couldn't even watch them lose because I was at work. The banquet I was working was the senior class supper for Mount. I have never not missed high school so much. The entire class was a bunch of snot-nosed, stuck-up pricks who only care about themselves. I asked a girl to move her chair in because Staci was going to be walking by with a huge tray of dirty dishes. All she heard was me ask her to move and her remark was "what are you fat? *eye roll*" Really? Push your fucking chair in and let me do my job, bitch. To an outsider, this small event seems trivial, something easy to just brush off and ignore. To me and my fellow co-workers, this happened all night and by this point we were all on edge.

I have been working for two weeks now at two different jobs. However, I have received NO paycheck. Not a single one. My bank account holds a negative figure so money is becoming a huge necessity. I also owe people money and a negative figure is not promising for them. I have already bugged both bosses for checks and both said "on Friday". Now I wonder what they will say to me when Friday comes around.

I can't go to the beach tomorrow like I planned because I got called into work. This is half good, half bad. it's half good because I get more practice waitressing and make some good money (in theory). It's bad because I am not going to have much time to go to the beach this summer because of all my jobs and the waves would have been amazing tomorrow because of a storm we just had. Oh well.

On top of this, I have a lot of relationship issues that I need to deal with. "Relationship issues" isn't the right term, I just don't know how else to put it. There are just too many things that bother me that it is just time to spill about. It's high time he knew. But I've written too much. Stay tuned.