Another List

How do I feel today? The answer is probably... confused.

I have increasingly become less and less comfortable with him hanging out with Ashley this summer, and it's only been a few weeks. I find myself questioning things that one shouldn't question in a relationship. It confuses me because I have no reason to question these things and he has done absolutely nothing to warrant me to question them, but I do it anyway. I need to sort my feelings out... again.

I feel like a list will help me figure things out, so here goes:

1. He texts her all the time, even when we are together.
2. He hangs out with her a lot. A little too much for my liking.
3. She is having boyfriend problems.
4. She makes me feel like I'm an outsider when a group of us hangs out.
5. He was talking to her more because of her family problems.
6. It seems like an excuse to talk to her in front of me without any consequences. Granted things were messed up with her family, but the contact has seemed to intensify rather than taper off.
7. Doesn't she have other friends?
8. Me and her befriended him right around the same time.
9. I find myself comparing myself to her again. I hate that.
10. This is causing me to question whether I really love him or if I just want to win.
11. The above comment makes me feel so stupid because I know I love him. So much reminds me of that, but I overlook it all for stupid reasons. It takes something corny (like a sad, romantic movie) to remind me again.
12. I find myself questioning his feelings. Does he really love me? And if he does, how can he be sure? How can I be sure? What is it that he loves about me?
13. Is our relationship too sexual? I try to ease it up to find out, but unfortuately I want it just as bad, if not, worse than he does, so it makes it hard to tell. I'm not really worried about that, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind.
14. I want to go back to school so I can have him to myself again.
15. I finally got used to the idea of them talking and whatnot when we were at school. Then we came home and I got thrown way back to behind my previous starting point.
16. His friends like her a lot. They don't seem to have anything to say about me. Granted, I only know how they feel about her because they say it when she isn't around. I don't know what they say about me.
17. I can't help but feel like him and his friends say things about me behind my back that I wouldn't like.
18. I think too much.
19. This list is making me worry again.
20. I'm stopping now.

I just gave this piece of advice to a good friend: "Some people are here to let us know that we can still feel. Good or bad, they are helping us." Maybe I should listen to my own advice...