Stop Thinking

I find that the days pass much easier if I just don't think. If I ignore any negative thoughts I might have, it helps things stay nice and calm. I know I won't always be able to do that but for now, it works.

74 days.

Countdown (continued)

76 days.

My best friend is coming to visit tomorrow. I can't even explain the amount of excitement I am feeling right now. I find it incredible that we can be so far away and yet I still tell her more than I tell everyone combined here.

I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait.

Countdown

77 days until move in.

Beach

I love the beach. I want to go so bad all the time. Hey mom is going today. I can go with her.

JUST KIDDING! "Naomi can't come Lilly. She has to stay home and clean the house."

Well... okay then. Let's see how clean this house gets...



Thing is, I can't even be spiteful bc I know I will just do it. Damn the constant need to impress my parents. Will it never go away?

2:50 a.m.

Here we are again. 2:50 am. and still awake. I just began the "I'm having some problems" conversation with him. The conversation was short and then was cut short by a lack of response from him. Maybe he fell asleep (it is late) but he never does that to me. Or he never did. The thing is, I can't help but know that if Ashley were the one going to him with her problems, he would drop everything (even me?) and rush to help her and talk to her until everything was better. Hell, he would drive all the way to North Providence, despite the early hour, and comfort her. I can't even get him to my house at 11 p.m.

He also said he wanted to hang out with me on one of my days off. I have two. One was today. One is tomorrow. He didn't talk to me at all today until around 3 p.m. and when I asked him to come to a dinner with me he said he already had plans. When I asked him to hang out with me tomorrow, he said he has plans to go to Boston and stay the night. All of the above is fine. But DON'T ASK ME TO HANG OUT IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT. I'm getting so frustrated! I get my hopes up for disappointment. I'd settle for "got my hopes up for nothing" over "got my hopes up for disappointment". I know I shouldn't be complaining because I do get to see him. I just want to see him during the day. I want to do things. I want to have fun. When we only hang out at night we just talk and bug each other about what we could do, settle on nothing, and then have sex. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it and I'm not saying we should cut down on that. I just wish we could do other things also.

I'm just at the point where my next step is to just explode at him and I would really rather not do that. Unfortunately, I don't think I can hold it in much longer.

Posts From Last Night

This was a post that I posted on Tumblr last night:

After endless nights of texting each other until the wee hours of the morning, my boyfriend stops today around 12:30 a.m. I told myself he fell asleep and that was the end of it. I was on Facebook until about 2 a.m. before I started to watch some shows online. I checked my Facebook again before bed, now about 3:45 a.m. and saw that I had received a ‘poke’ from him. Is it wrong to be a little suspicious? Because I am. It’s stupid maybe, but after multiple nights of texting until one of us falls asleep (usually me and usually around 4 a.m.) and adding in the fact that our conversation ended rather abruptly, I can’t help it. Damn this over thinking brain of mine!

Just Do It... Easier Said Than Done...

I just want to cry. I can't because it isn't time and my moral being won't let me. I try to ask myself why I want to cry right now and I feel so stupid for the answers I come up with. I know everything I want to say to him, but I can't seem to bring myself to say them. I have the argument over and over in my head. I know I'd win, not that I want it to be a fight. I want it to be a civil discussion, but even in my head it ends up escalating because I know he will see it as an attack on him and fight to defend himself, leading me to fight to prove my point. Either that or he will submit way too easily and I will be critical as to whethof nor not he actually heard me and will listen. In the past it was a combination of both and ended with a repeat a few weeks later, hence my feelings tonight. Maybe we just need to have a falling out to get everything out there and then see how things go from there. I think that between the two of us, a "falling out" wouldn't end badly. We've had too many of those to let them actually end the way "falling out" is meant to be defined as. We'll see. The more frustrated I get, the more confidence I build to just do it.

Yup.

So I have to know...

Is it wierd that I post things on Facebook in the hopes that he will "like" them or whatever? Yet, despite my efforts, he will give her the attention, but all contact with me goes through private messages...

Hm.

Another List

How do I feel today? The answer is probably... confused.

I have increasingly become less and less comfortable with him hanging out with Ashley this summer, and it's only been a few weeks. I find myself questioning things that one shouldn't question in a relationship. It confuses me because I have no reason to question these things and he has done absolutely nothing to warrant me to question them, but I do it anyway. I need to sort my feelings out... again.

I feel like a list will help me figure things out, so here goes:

1. He texts her all the time, even when we are together.
2. He hangs out with her a lot. A little too much for my liking.
3. She is having boyfriend problems.
4. She makes me feel like I'm an outsider when a group of us hangs out.
5. He was talking to her more because of her family problems.
6. It seems like an excuse to talk to her in front of me without any consequences. Granted things were messed up with her family, but the contact has seemed to intensify rather than taper off.
7. Doesn't she have other friends?
8. Me and her befriended him right around the same time.
9. I find myself comparing myself to her again. I hate that.
10. This is causing me to question whether I really love him or if I just want to win.
11. The above comment makes me feel so stupid because I know I love him. So much reminds me of that, but I overlook it all for stupid reasons. It takes something corny (like a sad, romantic movie) to remind me again.
12. I find myself questioning his feelings. Does he really love me? And if he does, how can he be sure? How can I be sure? What is it that he loves about me?
13. Is our relationship too sexual? I try to ease it up to find out, but unfortuately I want it just as bad, if not, worse than he does, so it makes it hard to tell. I'm not really worried about that, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind.
14. I want to go back to school so I can have him to myself again.
15. I finally got used to the idea of them talking and whatnot when we were at school. Then we came home and I got thrown way back to behind my previous starting point.
16. His friends like her a lot. They don't seem to have anything to say about me. Granted, I only know how they feel about her because they say it when she isn't around. I don't know what they say about me.
17. I can't help but feel like him and his friends say things about me behind my back that I wouldn't like.
18. I think too much.
19. This list is making me worry again.
20. I'm stopping now.

I just gave this piece of advice to a good friend: "Some people are here to let us know that we can still feel. Good or bad, they are helping us." Maybe I should listen to my own advice...

Blemishes

I looked in the mirror and critiqued myself. Not in the "I'm fat. Wahhh!" kind of way but in a "what is actually wrong with me" kind of way. This is what I found:

1. I have a bunch of little baby hairs that like to stick straight up out of my head and never seem to grow out.
2. I have a bunch of new pimples, including one on the side of my lip that is extremely painful for a little pimple.
3. The burn on my tongue still hasn't gone away, probably because I keep picking at it with my teeth.
4. I have chest acne. Ew,
5. I have two hives on the underside of my right boob. More on my body than my boob actually. Damn stress.
6. I am itchy and starting to peel on my stomach from my sunburn.
7. My nails suck. I blame it on being home. I kept them real nice for school.
8. I have a huge painful bruise on my foot. For a bruise to remain on my body for this long, it had to have been hard. It still hurts to wear sneakers.
9. I have mosquito bites everywhere and consequently I have scabs everywhere from scratching them too hard for too long.
10. I have random bruises from everything on random parts of my body.
11. My right knee hurts from putting too much stress on it and from slipping in the kitchen at Bella.
12. My left shoulder hurts from what feels like a bruise but isn't visible from the outside. It's been a few days with the same kind of pain. Wierd.
13. My back kills.

Maybe this is complaining. I don't care. This is my safe haven. My own private complaint department. If you don't like it, don't read. Who am I kidding? I'm talking to myself...

Bad Day

I've realized today that I am naturally the strong person. Things bother me, but I push them aside to make other people happy. Someone once told me that doing that will only make it worse for myself in the long run. I brushed them off, telling myself that I've been doing it for so long that it wouldn't happen to me. Unfortunately, this person was right as lately I have started to find flaws in my plan. I am not as strong as I used to be. As much as I hate change, I have changed a lot, and my mental strength was one of the first things to go. Of course, I'm much too stubborn to ever admit that out loud, but that is the beauty of a blog. No one judges you.

Today was a bad day. Well, I guess it wasn't really a bad day, it was just one of those kind of days that puts you in a bad mood. Maybe not even that. It was a series of events that happened to me that put me in a bad mood but would only party bug any other person.

It started off okay. I managed to sleep in a little before being woken up by a loud toddler begging me to make her lunch though she had just finished her breakfast. I went downstairs to discover a note. It was a list of things to do while my mother was out. Quickly I realized that I was home alone with Lilly and was expected to babysit. (Place a tally mark on the bad day side.) I didn't let it bother me too much; this isn't the first time I've been left alone to babysit before I even knew I had to do it.

It happens to be my dad's birthday, so when my mom got home, her, Lilly, and I all went out to pick up some stuff for his birthday. On the ride, we got into a little argument. She told me that I should have studied more in high school so that I could be top of my class. If I were top of my class, I could get more scholarships. If I got more scholarships, I wouldn't owe as much money. If I had gone to RIC, I could have gone for a lot cheaper. If I were this or if I were that, I would be so much better than the person I am now. Guess what mom? I actually like how my life turned out.
I studied as much as I could in high school while still keeping up with my sports (which i was fairly successful in, thank you very much) and clubs and community service (which got me little to nothing besides moral growth). I had a job on top of it all and babysat all of the kids whenever I was asked. I kept to my curfew (which I never broke). I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. I rarely got to hang out with friends for social reasons, not school reasons. And I never complained.
Class rank barely mattered. A white, middle class girl with both parents won't get any money, no matter what her class rank is. If I had gone to RIC, yeah obviously it would have been cheaper. You know what would have been even cheaper than that? CCRI. Is this seriously coming from the same woman who told me she didn't want me to go to URI because I had always dreamed of going to school in Boston of New York? What happened to that support?

Our conversation drifted to talk of money and how I really don't have any. In an effort to change this, I managed to get three jobs this summer. I am currently working two of them and I start training for the third in a couple of weeks. I make a pretty good chunk of change at one and I just got promoted at the other. Right now I am trying to figure out how I can keep all three and still have some kind of life over the summer. I am willing to give up the life part if I can get all of the jobs to get on a schedule where they don't conflict.

The conversation took a turn for the worse when my mom told me that I wasn't working enough. I need to get another job. According to her, if I'm home, I could be working. Let's count the problems here. 1. I do not have a car. 2. They will not let me use their cars. 3. They get pissed when they have to drive me to work. 4. They refuse to help me purchase a car despite the promise that I will pay them back as soon as I get the money from the three jobs I currently hold. 5. I'm just plain not good enough for them anymore. It seems to be the truth lately.

I'm not in high school anymore. I don't get the same grades (ignoring the fact that I am top of my classes, despite the fact that I don't get an A). I don't do sports, so I am not good at anything althletic in their eyes anymore. I only inconvenience them now that I'm home. I just can't please them. God knows I try, and I will never stop. I hate making them upset or doing things that will disappoint them. That's why it hurts so bad when I give my parents things I'm proud of to show them my progress or whatever the case may be, and the response I get from my mom is "you know (insert name here) could've done a much better job...?" Time to get to the grind and try harder I guess.

I've done my best not to argue with anyone while I'm home. I don't want to cause trouble. It's just getting hard when people try to push my buttons to get a reaction. Unfortunately, it's working. I'm not keen on being slapped across the facee by my brother. As a sixteen (or close enough to sixteen) year old boy, you figure he would understand chivalry, or at least know that hitting a girl is wrong. I don't see how he gets off doing it with no consequence. It's everything I have in me not to give it right back tenfold. In my family, this is considered showing weakness, so even not fighting back is working against me. My mom says I don't fight back because I know I will lose. The truth? I don't fight back because I don't want her to complain to me about the hospital bills she will have to pay when Dan gets rushed away in an ambulance.

Lack of strength isn't the only thing my mom finds wrong with me physically. According to her I am thick around the thighs, my feet are ugly, my boobs are too big, my nose it long and pointy, I have too much acne, my teeth are looking a little yellow, my arms are flabby, and I need to "work on your abs so you can at least have that for a beach bod". Well, gee mom, anything else? Wait, yes there is. I should shower more often because my body has a tendency to overheat when I work and when I overheat, I sweat and when I sweat, I smell. But get another job right? Right...

So continuing on my bad day:
The rest isn't so bad. The Bruins lost. I couldn't even watch them lose because I was at work. The banquet I was working was the senior class supper for Mount. I have never not missed high school so much. The entire class was a bunch of snot-nosed, stuck-up pricks who only care about themselves. I asked a girl to move her chair in because Staci was going to be walking by with a huge tray of dirty dishes. All she heard was me ask her to move and her remark was "what are you fat? *eye roll*" Really? Push your fucking chair in and let me do my job, bitch. To an outsider, this small event seems trivial, something easy to just brush off and ignore. To me and my fellow co-workers, this happened all night and by this point we were all on edge.

I have been working for two weeks now at two different jobs. However, I have received NO paycheck. Not a single one. My bank account holds a negative figure so money is becoming a huge necessity. I also owe people money and a negative figure is not promising for them. I have already bugged both bosses for checks and both said "on Friday". Now I wonder what they will say to me when Friday comes around.

I can't go to the beach tomorrow like I planned because I got called into work. This is half good, half bad. it's half good because I get more practice waitressing and make some good money (in theory). It's bad because I am not going to have much time to go to the beach this summer because of all my jobs and the waves would have been amazing tomorrow because of a storm we just had. Oh well.

On top of this, I have a lot of relationship issues that I need to deal with. "Relationship issues" isn't the right term, I just don't know how else to put it. There are just too many things that bother me that it is just time to spill about. It's high time he knew. But I've written too much. Stay tuned.

June 1st

I wonder if he knows what today is. I wonder if he ever thinks about it like I do. I suppose not, and I don't blame him. He has been in numerous long term relationships. It's just strange for me to be so comfortable with someone. I've never made it this far in a relationship. Sad to say that this day, five months, is a milestone for me.Oh well, it is what it is, and what it is, is good.