All It Takes

Five days ago, a record was broken.

Nothing too special and nothing that I should even be celebrating, but it was an anniversary. Four months dating the same person. Granted we've been "together" for over a year, it's what is "official" that counts.

It is record breaking because, sad as it is, I have never been in a relationship for longer than three months.
This is a big deal for me because it means I am making a commitment. For someone who has been afraid of commitment for so long, it's almost scary to be here now. I know what people feel by this point and I know what I've felt in the past by this point. I know that what I'm feeling now is something I've never felt before. this could be both good and bad.

It is bad because it has turned me into a jealous person. I've always been the one being chased, I've never been the chaser. Perhaps this is where I've gone wrong in the past and perhaps I'm taking it too far now, but this is what it is. While I am a jealous person, I'm not unreasonable (in my own eyes anyway) and I find myself holding back often, venting to close friends when appropriate, but otherwise keeping to myself.

It is bad because lately I have been feeling a lot of pain. Not physical pain but pain in the mental and emotional sense. I just want to be appreicated and sometimes I'm not so sure he understands that. I'm not the kind of person who craves attention and compliments all the time. I just miss the sweet guy who used to notice the little things. It hit me hard the other night when I tried extra hard to impress him during my formal and still came up short. I knew I looked nice, but not because he told me. My friend's boyfriend complimented me. I got nothing from my own. Maybe I am overanalyzing and I tell myself I am, but I can't help but keep things like that in the back of my head.

It is bad because I know that worst case scenario, I will get hurt. At this point, nothing can happen without pain on both ends. The thought of anything happening between us makes me sick, literally. My stomach clenches and my throat closes. But when we fight I can't help but be terrified of the worst happening. It's always what has come to me before. His past is to close up and let his girlfriend win. My past is to ditch the problem. Together we are too stubborn to solve our problems. It scares me thinking about what this could eventually lead to.

It is bad because I think about him too much. I can't go an hour without thinking about him. Obsessive? Maybe, but I don't think so. I think it is something else. I wouldn't call it love, though I do love him. I can't explain it. He is always on my mind, but it isn't always good. Sometimes I fear I am that obsessive girlfriend everyone hates. Sometimes I just want to ask him where he is or who he's with or what he's doing at that very moment. But I am terrified that he will think I don't trust him. Besides that, who am I to know all that information? No one.

It is bad because I tell him everything. I've shown him a side of me that no one has ever seen. I've given him a piece of me that I can't get back. I've given him free access to everything I have, everything I am, everything I think. I can't imagine what he could do to me or my reputation with that kind of information. I just don't know what I'd do.

It is bad. It is all bad. But it isn't. Every one of these points is why it's so good. I'm jealous because I care. I try because his thoughts are important to me. I'm in fear of pain because what we have is real. I think about him so much because I can't get the man I love out of my mind. I tell him everything because I truly trust him.

I don't know if I can handle this and yet I know that everything will be okay. I know this because tomorrow I will see him. And that's all it takes.