Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Epiphany
I figured it out. It's not her. It's the way he acts when it comes to her. Actions, words, thoughts... everything. That's what bothers me. That's why it hurts so bad.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
My Own Fault
It won't stop. Every time I see or hear him texting, I am only going to think he is texting her. It's already starting. And I know. He has friends, but all I will think of is her. And if it isn't her, maybe it's the ex. It's my own fault. I told him to befriend her. Or did I? Maybe I just want to understand why they weren't friends. Curiosity maybe? I don't know. Maybe it's a fear of what could happen to us if, god forbid, anything should happen between us. It's legitimate dint? And again, I'm back to "I just need someone to agree with me".
I can hear him texting right now. I can feel the tears welling up. Don't let him see you cry again Naomi, not again.
I can hear him texting right now. I can feel the tears welling up. Don't let him see you cry again Naomi, not again.
Tired of Being This Way
Okay, so she is having family issues. I can understand that. I really can. I have helped so many friends get though family (or close enough to be family) problems. I just hate that he felt like he had to ask. I don't want to be that girlfriend, but at the same time, I'm glad that he did. Well, kind of. It's hard to explain even to myself. I'm glad he asked but I've never felt so stupid after the reason was revealed. I don't want to be this jealous and I honestly don't know why I am. I know nothing will happen, I just can't let it go. And I know that even though he is just "being there" for her, I still won't like it. Maybe he is just "getting her mind off of it" but it will still bother me. And THAT bothers me.
I think I'm also bothered because I don't want to be just "another issue on his plate". I hate myself for crying last night. I want to say it's because I feel bad that he has to deal with this from two girls, but I can't because then I feel like I'm not being fair to myself. I understand his situation because if I had to choose between my boyfriend and my best friend, I would have a he'll of a hard time and I would try to do both as best I can. But he can't just brush off my problem. If it were school related or drama related maybe, but this is a serious problem and he I making me feel like it's not important. I came to the realization last night that I am terrified. I don't even what to be thinking about half of the things I'm thinking about now and just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Thinking about how he is handling this with me/for me wants me want to cry even more.
When I first told him, I felt bad. It's big news. But he never even asked how I was. Or he did, but not until it was obvious that something was wrong. Last night, I went to bed before him and started crying. When he came to bed, he told me to stop crying because he had to get up early the next day. I've never wanted to just leave the room so badly. I understand she is having family problems, but this is BOTh of our problem and the fact that he barely seems to care unless I am blatantly upset about it cuts me so deep.
I play the strong girl who doesn't let much get to her. But I'm sick of being strong. I want someone to be strong for me. I want someone to tell me it's going to be okay. I want someone to just... be there. Is it wrong for me to want that someone to be him? Is it selfish to want his attention at this point? Am I a terrible person for wishing she hadn't chosen him to vent to, at least right now?
I think I'm also bothered because I don't want to be just "another issue on his plate". I hate myself for crying last night. I want to say it's because I feel bad that he has to deal with this from two girls, but I can't because then I feel like I'm not being fair to myself. I understand his situation because if I had to choose between my boyfriend and my best friend, I would have a he'll of a hard time and I would try to do both as best I can. But he can't just brush off my problem. If it were school related or drama related maybe, but this is a serious problem and he I making me feel like it's not important. I came to the realization last night that I am terrified. I don't even what to be thinking about half of the things I'm thinking about now and just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Thinking about how he is handling this with me/for me wants me want to cry even more.
When I first told him, I felt bad. It's big news. But he never even asked how I was. Or he did, but not until it was obvious that something was wrong. Last night, I went to bed before him and started crying. When he came to bed, he told me to stop crying because he had to get up early the next day. I've never wanted to just leave the room so badly. I understand she is having family problems, but this is BOTh of our problem and the fact that he barely seems to care unless I am blatantly upset about it cuts me so deep.
I play the strong girl who doesn't let much get to her. But I'm sick of being strong. I want someone to be strong for me. I want someone to tell me it's going to be okay. I want someone to just... be there. Is it wrong for me to want that someone to be him? Is it selfish to want his attention at this point? Am I a terrible person for wishing she hadn't chosen him to vent to, at least right now?
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Stress - Take Two
So I took the list from a few days ago and I am updating it, probably adding more specifics. I just wanted to try and figure out what is wrong with me. Here goes...
1. Finals are this week.
2. I really, really, really need to do well on my last final for RLS 111. Not an option.
3. I am falling behind in CHM 103.
4. I need sleep but I can't fall asleep before 2 a.m. and I can't stay asleep past 10 a.m.
5. My period is really late... again. (Could be caused by stress?)
6. I have to move out next Saturday.
7. I have to begin packing the rest of everything soon.
8. I have to call a woman back to say we aren't interested in her hosue after we already said we'd sign the lease.
9. Dealing with houses is killing me.
10. Why did my on-campus housing get screwed up anyway? Damn system...
11. My eating habits are way off lately.
12. I have no money to my name.
13. I am fighting with my boyfriend again.
14. I am trying to keep a friendship going.
15. My best friend is due to have her baby soon. Any day now...
16. I need a job for the summer/next school year.
17. I legitimately can NOT find one.
18. How am I going to live off campus without a car?
19. Ashley Comstock. Get her out of my head please.
20. Why does she have to visit now? As if summer wasn't close enough...
21. I don't want to drop ZTA.
22. I don't have a choice.
23. I have to move back home.
24. Alex has a serious learning disability.
25. Kathleen trashed my room.
26. Daniel is not responsible enough to care for himself let alone the other kids.
27. Lilly is uncontrollable.
28. My mom doesn't have the same rules as when I was living at home.
29. My dad seems to be avoiding me.
30. My face/body is breaking out in acne/hives.
31. I'm self-conscious enough as it is, body blemishes aren't helping.
32. I am the advice-giver for my friends.
33. I worry about giving bad advice or leading them in the wrong direction.
34. I worry about horrible secrets getting out.
35. I worry about venting to people for fear of it getting out.
36. I worry about venting to the same few people for fear of driving them away.
37. Abortions freak me out.
38. I hate not getting grades I want when I try so hard.
39. I hate not knowing if I'm being judged or not.
40. I hate secrets.
41. I don't like confrontation.
42. I hate feeling like the third-wheel when the actual third-wheel steps in and bumps you to the side.
43. I get cramps that mean nothing. Pain for no reason at all. Perhaps punishment.
44. I hope we get the house we've been talking about signing for. I can't take disappointment for a third time regarding this.
45. Ex-girlfriends that come back into the picture are only reasons to be jealous even more.
46. Why can't he tell me why they broke up? What could it possibly have been?
Stand by for updates. I'm sure this list will grow and shrink. They way things are looking, I'd assume growth will occur before shrinkage.
1. Finals are this week.
2. I really, really, really need to do well on my last final for RLS 111. Not an option.
3. I am falling behind in CHM 103.
4. I need sleep but I can't fall asleep before 2 a.m. and I can't stay asleep past 10 a.m.
5. My period is really late... again. (Could be caused by stress?)
6. I have to move out next Saturday.
7. I have to begin packing the rest of everything soon.
8. I have to call a woman back to say we aren't interested in her hosue after we already said we'd sign the lease.
9. Dealing with houses is killing me.
10. Why did my on-campus housing get screwed up anyway? Damn system...
11. My eating habits are way off lately.
12. I have no money to my name.
13. I am fighting with my boyfriend again.
14. I am trying to keep a friendship going.
15. My best friend is due to have her baby soon. Any day now...
16. I need a job for the summer/next school year.
17. I legitimately can NOT find one.
18. How am I going to live off campus without a car?
19. Ashley Comstock. Get her out of my head please.
20. Why does she have to visit now? As if summer wasn't close enough...
21. I don't want to drop ZTA.
22. I don't have a choice.
23. I have to move back home.
24. Alex has a serious learning disability.
25. Kathleen trashed my room.
26. Daniel is not responsible enough to care for himself let alone the other kids.
27. Lilly is uncontrollable.
28. My mom doesn't have the same rules as when I was living at home.
29. My dad seems to be avoiding me.
30. My face/body is breaking out in acne/hives.
31. I'm self-conscious enough as it is, body blemishes aren't helping.
32. I am the advice-giver for my friends.
33. I worry about giving bad advice or leading them in the wrong direction.
34. I worry about horrible secrets getting out.
35. I worry about venting to people for fear of it getting out.
36. I worry about venting to the same few people for fear of driving them away.
37. Abortions freak me out.
38. I hate not getting grades I want when I try so hard.
39. I hate not knowing if I'm being judged or not.
40. I hate secrets.
41. I don't like confrontation.
42. I hate feeling like the third-wheel when the actual third-wheel steps in and bumps you to the side.
43. I get cramps that mean nothing. Pain for no reason at all. Perhaps punishment.
44. I hope we get the house we've been talking about signing for. I can't take disappointment for a third time regarding this.
45. Ex-girlfriends that come back into the picture are only reasons to be jealous even more.
46. Why can't he tell me why they broke up? What could it possibly have been?
Stand by for updates. I'm sure this list will grow and shrink. They way things are looking, I'd assume growth will occur before shrinkage.
Worries: Scare or "Other"?
So here we are again. In a scare.
This time it is much more intense than the first time. This time I told him about it. This time I am much more upset.
Why?
I realized at the end of our conversation that the entire time, I was concerned about him. I felt bad because he didn't feel good with exam this morning. I felt bad telling him the bad news right after. I felt bad that he didn't get his internship. I felt bad that his ex-girlfriend texted him. I felt bad.... but why?
I asked if he was okay with everything multiple times. I asked how he was and how he was doing. I inquired about his recent happenings. Not once did he ask how I was. How I was handling it. How I would be considering the options. When I realized that, I broke down. It was too much.
Why was it too much?
Ashley is coming down to visit again. Because apparently four more days until summer was too long to wait to hang out. All he ever does when she comes down is throw her a party, yet on my own birthday he guilts me out of drinking because he doesn't feel like it.
The other problem I have with them partying is that he feels like drinking will fix everything. If he is stressed, he will drink. Why?? I can guarantee you your problems will still be there in the morning. Maybe it bothers me because it is a sign of alcoholism, small as the sign may be. I have had problems with alcoholism in my family so it gets to be a tender topic. He is only 20. How bad will this problem get when he can legally drink? God knows what will happen, and it scares me to think about.
Does it bother me that even though I have all my own stuff going on to worry about, all I can think about is him? Yes. It really does. But I can't help it.
This time it is much more intense than the first time. This time I told him about it. This time I am much more upset.
Why?
I realized at the end of our conversation that the entire time, I was concerned about him. I felt bad because he didn't feel good with exam this morning. I felt bad telling him the bad news right after. I felt bad that he didn't get his internship. I felt bad that his ex-girlfriend texted him. I felt bad.... but why?
I asked if he was okay with everything multiple times. I asked how he was and how he was doing. I inquired about his recent happenings. Not once did he ask how I was. How I was handling it. How I would be considering the options. When I realized that, I broke down. It was too much.
Why was it too much?
Ashley is coming down to visit again. Because apparently four more days until summer was too long to wait to hang out. All he ever does when she comes down is throw her a party, yet on my own birthday he guilts me out of drinking because he doesn't feel like it.
The other problem I have with them partying is that he feels like drinking will fix everything. If he is stressed, he will drink. Why?? I can guarantee you your problems will still be there in the morning. Maybe it bothers me because it is a sign of alcoholism, small as the sign may be. I have had problems with alcoholism in my family so it gets to be a tender topic. He is only 20. How bad will this problem get when he can legally drink? God knows what will happen, and it scares me to think about.
Does it bother me that even though I have all my own stuff going on to worry about, all I can think about is him? Yes. It really does. But I can't help it.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Texts
"I love everything about you naomi. I really really do. I think about how perfect you are for me every day"
I hear it. I see it. I read it.
Why don't I believe it?
Maybe he does. Maybe it feels good.
But I don't believe it.
Maybe I need to get over the fact that he probably said these words to someone else.
Maybe more than one someone.
It still makes me smile.
I hear it. I see it. I read it.
Why don't I believe it?
Maybe he does. Maybe it feels good.
But I don't believe it.
Maybe I need to get over the fact that he probably said these words to someone else.
Maybe more than one someone.
It still makes me smile.
Does it matter...
Does it even matter that she is coming? Does it matter that summer is less than a week away? Does it matter that she could have waited but isn't? Does it matter that he knows how I feel about her? Does it matter that he never mentions that she is coming when they plan visits? Does it matter that I hate every aspect of that fact? Does anything matter? Does it ever matter? Do I matter?
Note to Self
Note to self:
Watch this every day, as you have been.
It will remind you of everything you have ever wanted.
Never lose sight of the vision that you've had for years.
Get there.
Be happy.
Be you.
http://youtu.be/0rbMHLDY1pA
Watch this every day, as you have been.
It will remind you of everything you have ever wanted.
Never lose sight of the vision that you've had for years.
Get there.
Be happy.
Be you.
http://youtu.be/0rbMHLDY1pA
Ex
Can we go one day without mention of an ex-girlfriend? I'm trying to remember a day where one didn't come up. Why is it so hard for me to think of a day? Are they always on your mind? Do you enjoy reminding me that you have been in love before?
Accuse me of trying to hurt you? Check yourself every day honey. Who is in more pain now?
Accuse me of trying to hurt you? Check yourself every day honey. Who is in more pain now?
Stress
Stress.
What a term.
Why am I stressed?
Let's make a list.
1. Finals are this week.
2. I really, really, really need to do well on my last final for RLS 111. Not an option.
3. I need sleep but I can't fall asleep before 2 a.m. and I can't stay asleep past 10 a.m.
4. My period is late... again. (Could be caused by stress?)
5. I have to move out next Saturday.
6. I have to begin packing soon.
7. I have to view three houses on Saturday with a girl I've never met before.
8. I don't know if I will like this girl.
9. Searching for houses to live in is not going so well.
10. Why did my on-campus housing get screwed up anyway? Damn system...
11. My eating habits are way off lately.
12. I have no money to my name.
13. I am fighting with my boyfriend again.
14. I am trying to keep a friendship going.
15. My best friend is due to have her baby soon. Any day now...
16. I need a job for the summer/next school year.
17. I legitimately can NOT find one.
18. How am I going to live off campus without a car?
19. Ashley Comstock. Get her out of my head please.
20. I don't want to drop ZTA.
21. I don't have a choice.
22. I have to move back home.
23. Alex has a serious learning disability.
24. Kathleen trashed my room.
25. Daniel is not responsible enough to care for himself let alone the other kids.
26. Lilly is uncontrollable.
27. My mom doesn't have the same rules as when I was living at home.
28. My dad seems to be avoiding me.
29. My face/body is breaking out in acne/hives.
30. I'm self-conscious enough as it is, body blemishes aren't helping.
31. I am the advice-giver for my friends.
32. I worry about giving bad advice or leading them in the wrong direction.
33. I worry about horrible secrets getting out.
34. I worry about venting to people for fear of it getting out.
35. I worry about venting to the same few people for fear of driving them away.
36. I am concerned about the length of this list...
What a term.
Why am I stressed?
Let's make a list.
1. Finals are this week.
2. I really, really, really need to do well on my last final for RLS 111. Not an option.
3. I need sleep but I can't fall asleep before 2 a.m. and I can't stay asleep past 10 a.m.
4. My period is late... again. (Could be caused by stress?)
5. I have to move out next Saturday.
6. I have to begin packing soon.
7. I have to view three houses on Saturday with a girl I've never met before.
8. I don't know if I will like this girl.
9. Searching for houses to live in is not going so well.
10. Why did my on-campus housing get screwed up anyway? Damn system...
11. My eating habits are way off lately.
12. I have no money to my name.
13. I am fighting with my boyfriend again.
14. I am trying to keep a friendship going.
15. My best friend is due to have her baby soon. Any day now...
16. I need a job for the summer/next school year.
17. I legitimately can NOT find one.
18. How am I going to live off campus without a car?
19. Ashley Comstock. Get her out of my head please.
20. I don't want to drop ZTA.
21. I don't have a choice.
22. I have to move back home.
23. Alex has a serious learning disability.
24. Kathleen trashed my room.
25. Daniel is not responsible enough to care for himself let alone the other kids.
26. Lilly is uncontrollable.
27. My mom doesn't have the same rules as when I was living at home.
28. My dad seems to be avoiding me.
29. My face/body is breaking out in acne/hives.
30. I'm self-conscious enough as it is, body blemishes aren't helping.
31. I am the advice-giver for my friends.
32. I worry about giving bad advice or leading them in the wrong direction.
33. I worry about horrible secrets getting out.
34. I worry about venting to people for fear of it getting out.
35. I worry about venting to the same few people for fear of driving them away.
36. I am concerned about the length of this list...
All It Takes
Five days ago, a record was broken.
Nothing too special and nothing that I should even be celebrating, but it was an anniversary. Four months dating the same person. Granted we've been "together" for over a year, it's what is "official" that counts.
It is record breaking because, sad as it is, I have never been in a relationship for longer than three months.
This is a big deal for me because it means I am making a commitment. For someone who has been afraid of commitment for so long, it's almost scary to be here now. I know what people feel by this point and I know what I've felt in the past by this point. I know that what I'm feeling now is something I've never felt before. this could be both good and bad.
It is bad because it has turned me into a jealous person. I've always been the one being chased, I've never been the chaser. Perhaps this is where I've gone wrong in the past and perhaps I'm taking it too far now, but this is what it is. While I am a jealous person, I'm not unreasonable (in my own eyes anyway) and I find myself holding back often, venting to close friends when appropriate, but otherwise keeping to myself.
It is bad because lately I have been feeling a lot of pain. Not physical pain but pain in the mental and emotional sense. I just want to be appreicated and sometimes I'm not so sure he understands that. I'm not the kind of person who craves attention and compliments all the time. I just miss the sweet guy who used to notice the little things. It hit me hard the other night when I tried extra hard to impress him during my formal and still came up short. I knew I looked nice, but not because he told me. My friend's boyfriend complimented me. I got nothing from my own. Maybe I am overanalyzing and I tell myself I am, but I can't help but keep things like that in the back of my head.
It is bad because I know that worst case scenario, I will get hurt. At this point, nothing can happen without pain on both ends. The thought of anything happening between us makes me sick, literally. My stomach clenches and my throat closes. But when we fight I can't help but be terrified of the worst happening. It's always what has come to me before. His past is to close up and let his girlfriend win. My past is to ditch the problem. Together we are too stubborn to solve our problems. It scares me thinking about what this could eventually lead to.
It is bad because I think about him too much. I can't go an hour without thinking about him. Obsessive? Maybe, but I don't think so. I think it is something else. I wouldn't call it love, though I do love him. I can't explain it. He is always on my mind, but it isn't always good. Sometimes I fear I am that obsessive girlfriend everyone hates. Sometimes I just want to ask him where he is or who he's with or what he's doing at that very moment. But I am terrified that he will think I don't trust him. Besides that, who am I to know all that information? No one.
It is bad because I tell him everything. I've shown him a side of me that no one has ever seen. I've given him a piece of me that I can't get back. I've given him free access to everything I have, everything I am, everything I think. I can't imagine what he could do to me or my reputation with that kind of information. I just don't know what I'd do.
It is bad. It is all bad. But it isn't. Every one of these points is why it's so good. I'm jealous because I care. I try because his thoughts are important to me. I'm in fear of pain because what we have is real. I think about him so much because I can't get the man I love out of my mind. I tell him everything because I truly trust him.
I don't know if I can handle this and yet I know that everything will be okay. I know this because tomorrow I will see him. And that's all it takes.
Nothing too special and nothing that I should even be celebrating, but it was an anniversary. Four months dating the same person. Granted we've been "together" for over a year, it's what is "official" that counts.
It is record breaking because, sad as it is, I have never been in a relationship for longer than three months.
This is a big deal for me because it means I am making a commitment. For someone who has been afraid of commitment for so long, it's almost scary to be here now. I know what people feel by this point and I know what I've felt in the past by this point. I know that what I'm feeling now is something I've never felt before. this could be both good and bad.
It is bad because it has turned me into a jealous person. I've always been the one being chased, I've never been the chaser. Perhaps this is where I've gone wrong in the past and perhaps I'm taking it too far now, but this is what it is. While I am a jealous person, I'm not unreasonable (in my own eyes anyway) and I find myself holding back often, venting to close friends when appropriate, but otherwise keeping to myself.
It is bad because lately I have been feeling a lot of pain. Not physical pain but pain in the mental and emotional sense. I just want to be appreicated and sometimes I'm not so sure he understands that. I'm not the kind of person who craves attention and compliments all the time. I just miss the sweet guy who used to notice the little things. It hit me hard the other night when I tried extra hard to impress him during my formal and still came up short. I knew I looked nice, but not because he told me. My friend's boyfriend complimented me. I got nothing from my own. Maybe I am overanalyzing and I tell myself I am, but I can't help but keep things like that in the back of my head.
It is bad because I know that worst case scenario, I will get hurt. At this point, nothing can happen without pain on both ends. The thought of anything happening between us makes me sick, literally. My stomach clenches and my throat closes. But when we fight I can't help but be terrified of the worst happening. It's always what has come to me before. His past is to close up and let his girlfriend win. My past is to ditch the problem. Together we are too stubborn to solve our problems. It scares me thinking about what this could eventually lead to.
It is bad because I think about him too much. I can't go an hour without thinking about him. Obsessive? Maybe, but I don't think so. I think it is something else. I wouldn't call it love, though I do love him. I can't explain it. He is always on my mind, but it isn't always good. Sometimes I fear I am that obsessive girlfriend everyone hates. Sometimes I just want to ask him where he is or who he's with or what he's doing at that very moment. But I am terrified that he will think I don't trust him. Besides that, who am I to know all that information? No one.
It is bad because I tell him everything. I've shown him a side of me that no one has ever seen. I've given him a piece of me that I can't get back. I've given him free access to everything I have, everything I am, everything I think. I can't imagine what he could do to me or my reputation with that kind of information. I just don't know what I'd do.
It is bad. It is all bad. But it isn't. Every one of these points is why it's so good. I'm jealous because I care. I try because his thoughts are important to me. I'm in fear of pain because what we have is real. I think about him so much because I can't get the man I love out of my mind. I tell him everything because I truly trust him.
I don't know if I can handle this and yet I know that everything will be okay. I know this because tomorrow I will see him. And that's all it takes.
Love?
What is love?
Can it even be defined?
Does it matter what it is if two people think it's two different things?
He's an engineer. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
If that's the case, is anyone ever meant to be?
If no one is meant to be, then why are they?
I guess that's what love is.
The power to overcome that what pushes us away.
Can it even be defined?
Does it matter what it is if two people think it's two different things?
He's an engineer. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
If that's the case, is anyone ever meant to be?
If no one is meant to be, then why are they?
I guess that's what love is.
The power to overcome that what pushes us away.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
True Happiness
You knows it's true happiness when everything fades except your partner and the music you are swaying to. Your cheeks hurts from your smile, but you keep smiling anyway because that is your bodies natural instinct. You know in the back of your mind that your feet hurt, but you dance anyway knowing this may be your only chance. You glance up and see his shiney eyes staring back at you. The same smile that is glued to your face is flashed across his own. Every so often he shakes his head. He won't tell you why, but secretly you know what he is thinking. You tried so hard to look nice for him and with that little shake of the head, you know you succeeded. he isn't a publicly affectionate person, but he surprises you often with quick pecks. His soft lips touch you for a split second, on the forehead, on the cheek, on the lips. His voice is soft, but you can hear him singing along with the music, every once in a while leaning down to whisper a lyric in your ear, at least that's how it seems.
Someone bumps into your back. The peace shatters. You're back on the dancefloor with a hundred people. They laugh and fall and dance they're drunk asses off. It finally hits you that the DJ isn't that great. There was no dessert served after dinner- odd. Your date doesn't like the group of people you came with. The way people are acting is embarrassing to you. You suddenly feel insecure and self-conscious.
Then you look up and see his eyes staring back into yours. All of a sudden, the room fades away and the smile returns to your face. True happiness.
Someone bumps into your back. The peace shatters. You're back on the dancefloor with a hundred people. They laugh and fall and dance they're drunk asses off. It finally hits you that the DJ isn't that great. There was no dessert served after dinner- odd. Your date doesn't like the group of people you came with. The way people are acting is embarrassing to you. You suddenly feel insecure and self-conscious.
Then you look up and see his eyes staring back into yours. All of a sudden, the room fades away and the smile returns to your face. True happiness.
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