Always looking forward.... to next year!!!

It's true what they say: once you taste the forbidden fruit, it's all you crave.

Well I've tasted freedom and, boy, is it sweet!

Since I have arrived at college I have enjoyed the wonderful joy that is freedom. I can do what I want, when I want, however I want. I don't have to answer to anyone but myself. Granted I have to take responsibilty for myself, but when you've grown up being responsible for everything, it kind of takes care of itself. As my first year of college draws to a close, I found myself wondering what the next step was for me. Of course I enjoyed everything Ihad this year. I wouldn't trade it for anything. In fact, I'd even do it again. But why repeat what I had, when I could have better?

In this case, "better" comes in the form of a house. YEP! A real house. That I have to pay rent for. A house to clean and care for, to cook in and eat in, to relax in and party in, to study in and focus in. The benefits are endless. What's better? If all goes well, I could be across the street from the beach. As in THE OCEAN. This is looking like it might be the start of an incredible future for me.

Of course it's not all fun and games. There are flaws in the "perfect" plan. For one, "if all goes well" does not include a washer or drier. We may be in the tub with a washboard and clothesline to dry. It is also a problem specifically for me because I am not in possession of a vehicle outside of one that is propelled by my own two legs. It is lucky that my current roommate/future housemate and I have similar schedules; it makes it easier to mooch rides (pitching in for gas, of course). However, she works in insane amount and supposedly, hopefully, I also will have a job during the school year. I suppose that will be something we will just have to wait and see about. It just makes this whole "house" plan a little more stressful.

One last thing I am a little stressed about is money. Obviously it's an issue that causes everyone to stress a bit, but I can't help but feel it in a slightly different way. I was under the impression when I began school the year that my government loans were how I was attending school. I found out about halfway through that my dad had taken out a loan to begin paying for it. I am unclear as to what exactly he is paying for and he has recently been expressing his concern for the inability to obtain another loan for next year. Depending on what he is paying for, I may not be able to use the loans I would have used for rent because I will have to use them to pay for this mystery expense. I am trying not to get too worked up about it because, after all, the loan would have gone to on-campus housing anyway, which is far more expensive, and since they can't really deny me that, I shouldn't be concerned. But it still makes me nervous. It is intesifying my need to find a job, or maybe even two, this summer. It just kills me because no where is hiring. It really isn't fair to the poor college student. I suppose it is my own fault though. And so the search goes on...

BUT!!! I refuse to let this bring me down! I can't stop thinking about living in a house on my own (with my housemate(s) of course).  There is an endless list of things that I can't get my mind off of that continuously get me excited. In two days my roommate and I are going to check out the house and I can't wait! Next year is going to be amazing. It can't come soon enough.

1:40 a.m.

I have decided today that I am a crazy, obsessive, psychopathic girlfriend. It's only a matter of time until he realizes it and doesn something about it. I can't stand being this way, but maybe I'm better off if I juts admit it. I'm better off having how I really feel be up front, rather than hide it until a lot farther down the road and create more pain for myself. I hate being jealous, or not even jealous, but disliking people- especially when they have done absolutely nothing to me. It just hurts so bad. I can't understand it. I've tried tirelessly to get over it, but it only seems to get worse with time. I assume that means I feel something real for him, but it could be ruining things for me later on down the road. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I won't do that for reasons that stand on principle, but I've never wanted to break down so bad. How do I tell him that? I can't do any more than I've already done. It's just frustrating...

I can't handle myself. I don't know how I can expect him to.

Time Will Tell

This should be a quick blog post. I am at my boyfriend's house with him and two of his friends. I like hanging out with them, but sometimes I wonder if they realize what I am doing. I find that everytime I'm here I just do chores, like clean up after them and cook for them and do laundry. The thing is, I almost enjoy it. I feel like that makes me some kind of a domestic housewife-type person and that is the person I always wanted to avoid being. Is being here helping me to figure out who I am? And is who I actually am who I want to be? I think a part of me knows that I could be happy living a similar life to my own mothers, but another part knows that my dream is something real too. I want to be remembered for something important, and right now, being a stay-at-home mom and housewife is not something worth being remembered for. I'm sure it will change when I'm married with kids but for the time-being, it's not what I want. I don't want fame and fortune (although it'd be nice; let's face it, who doesn't want that?). I just want to do something important. I guess only time will tell.