A Hope that is a Dream

Ever since I was a little girl, I've had this dream. I never knew exactly what I was going to be doing, but I know how I was going to live. I still have this dream. Granted, it's been edited and rearranged a little, but the concept and basic moves are the same. I would live my life hoping for this dream, but making my decisions spontaneously, based on what I'm doing, where I am, who I'm with, and what I want.

This was/still is (in some cases) the idea:

- Graduate high school top of my class and give a speech at graduation
- Graduated top percentile of my class and gave up my chance to give a speech to support a friend who ended up being the speechgiver

- Attend a college in the city and get an internship for a good company
- Attended URI with intentions of studying abroad and going to the city

- Get a good job that I enjoy in the city (something fun and dramatic, like in Hitch or The Devil Wears Prada) that also allows me to travel often

- Live in a beautiful modern apartment by myself

- Dress incredibly and wear heels as often as I want because you can do that in the city

- Meet the man of my dreams and fall in love

- Marry and live in an apartment in the city or a cute little "first home" on the outskirts of the city

- Eventually have 2-3 kids and move to the subburbs

- Be a working mom and raise my kids the way my mom raised me

- Be a Grandmom

- Have a covered porch with a rocking chair in my old age

Then there are a few things that I want to occur throughout my life:

- Stay in touch with family, immediate and distant

- Have constant family reunions

- Classic first Christmas/Thanksgiving with the intended husband and family

- etc.

There are a few problems with what I want and my dreams. For example I had always dreamed of dying dramatically: gun-shot wound saving, saving someone's life, etc. I also may find myself skipping over parts of the list and completing other parts first. Of course, if that happens, my entire list is thrown off and may never recover. But I'm realizing that I may be okay with that because it's what I wanted. As I said in the beginning, this is what I hope for, not my life plan. No one can plan their life. It's just not meant to happen.

And so, I make this list to give myself some solidity to what I want. I know my goals and my dreams. I want to see what I can complete. This makes me think about what I want specifically... but that is a job for another time.