So it's about a quarter past 3 a.m. and I am still awake. Why? Well because my boyfriend and I are fighting... again. It seems we do this a lot lately. I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with something we have in common: the inability to admit jealousy. It is that or he doesn't trust me. Come to think of it, it could be both. I wish I could understand. I think I am mostly frustrated because he will sarcastically tell me what is wrong on the surface but he won't explain why it bothers him. Shouldn't relationships involve a lot of deep communication? I want to understand him. It kills me not knowing what he is really thinking.
A few people have asked me why I am still with someone if all we do is fight. I answer that it's because I can't be without him. I feel like I can't say things like this to him, after all it's only been a few months. But no one really knows what is going on between us. Yes, we fight a bit, but when we aren't fighting, it's so great. I just want to go back to that. I will go through a million moments like this if it means we can have just one of those happy moments. Just imagining being without him now makes my heart beat fast and my stomach drop to the point where I actually feel nauseous. I can't fathom it. Also ridiculous after only a few months of a relationship, partly why I rarely voice that part of my feelings.
I also can't take too much of what other people say intto account because they don't know the actual situation. I don't reveil too much about what goes on when we are alone because I like keeping our moments between the two of us. There is the occasional "adorable story" or "romantic story" or even "funny story" that I tell a friend, but nothing with too much detail. The same goes for when we have situations like this. I tell friends that we are fighting again. Fighting doesn't include much detail but it's happened often enough lately for those few people to think that it's happening too often. I agree at that point but I almost get offended that they would even suggest such a thing as a break up to me, but I catch myself because they don't know anything.
The thing is, I know what I'm doing wrong, but I can't bring myself to change it. There are the obvious things that I know I should, and will, change. But it's the other things that I have a hard time changing. The ones that involve a bigger change. He tells me that he doesn't want me to change myself, he fell for me not his edited version of me. Yet, he constantly seems to be finding flaws with who I am and what I like. I understand that he might be uncomfortable with certain things but relationships are about compromise, not complete elimination of one sides choices. Something needs to be said but it's difficult to do that with someone who is not willing to talk. I just get frustrated.
But I can't be mad. Yes, I am frustrated but with the situation, not with him. I can't get mad at him. When we fight all I want is for it to be over. I don't want sarcasm or anger or frustration in words from him. I want the tenderness we had. The sweetness. The softness. I just don't like fighting with people I care about and he happens to be at the top of that list. I don't know what else to do without seeming like the crazy, possessive, annoying girlfriend. And again, frustration.
Maybe the best thing to do right now is sleep it off and hope that maybe tomorrow we will both be in "better" states of mind to talk. It's all I can do at this point. Hope.
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