Compromise

Let's count the days left until summer. Or not. While everyone is counting down the days left of school, I sit here and pray that time will go by as slowly as possible. I want nothing more than to bask in the freedom college gives me for as long as I can.

When I go home I will be expected to fall back into the regular routine I was stuck in throughout high school. I don't want that. I can't be thrown back into prison after tasting the freedom I've had all school year. Winter break confirmed my theory and summer break will only prolong it.

I want to be able to go out and not have to inform my parents about my whereabout every three minutes. I want to be able to spend the night with my boyfriend and not have my parents freak out (literally sleeping, not the nasty... maybe *wink*). I want to be able to go to the beach for an entire day and not have to be home for a specific time for no reason. I want to be able to hang out with my friends past midnight without getting scolded.

I don't want to be expected to pick up all of my old chores when none of the kids have chores at all now. I don't want to be expected to babysit at the drop of a hat. I don't want to be bugged about having to get another job if it's my one day off from the job I currently have. I don't want to be bugged about doing things in order to (get permission) to do other things, because, who are we kidding, I always have to ask before I do anything.

I just want to continue my college life, just at home. Granted, I will have to make some sacrifices and I know that, but I don't want to be expected to revert back completely. All I ask is for a little compromise between me and my parents. That's all. Please.

Thought of the Day

I need to stop trying so hard. I realized today, when I spent a good hour trying to figure out what to wear to his house tonight. He doesn't care what I wear, especially when we are hanging out at his house. It makes sense, but I can't shake the feeling that I need to impress him. Constantly, I catch myself thinking "what would he think about..." or "what would he say if I..." I don't want to be that girl who does everything her boyfriend wants her to do, but the truth is, if he wanted me to, I would. What makes it a problem is I can recognize it happening (because it has already happened a few times) but I still do nothing about it. I suppose it could be a good thing because it means all I want is for him to be happy. But changing myself isn't. Nothing huge has changed yet and I will take it upon myself to stand up for myself if a big change is expected to occur, but for now I feel like I'm fine. I just want to be comfortable and happy, and I am.

The "L" Word

What is happening with me? I find myself feeling sad if I don't see him. I don't want to be that needy girl who has to be with him all the time, but I just want to be with him all the time. I've never felt like this before.

Already we are encroaching on the record for my longest relationship and I have yet to feel anything that would make me even think about not being with him. I find myself thinking about the future a lot, which I try not to do because I don't like preparing for things that might not happen. The less you hype yourself up for, the smaller the chance of getting yourself hurt. Aside from that, it's just strange to think about that kind of thing after only three months of dating. Yet, thoughts keep popping up in my head and I can't stop them. Granted, he gives little hints that lead me to believe he is thinking these things too, but I convince myself that I am overanalyzing and he isn't implying anything. I do this to put myself down but the truth is, maybe he does feel that way. I can see big things happening between us, but thinking about the future scares me. Just like it scares me that I feel a constant need to be with him.

More than once have I made excuses so I could be with him and I have no doubts that I will do it again, but why do I do it? I have no reason not to be with other friends and I know he doesn't have a problem with me hanging out with them, yet I continue to make excuses so I can be with him instead. I feel so much happier with him. Even when we fight, I am just happy that we are talking. I can't be mad at him. I get frustrated and angry with the situation, but never with him. When we fight i just want things to be okay between us again. I can't stand having him upset with me and I would do anything to make it better between us.

I can't understand, or even try to understand, what I feel when it comes to him. I always miss him. I love when he says he misses me, when he gently touches me, the way he holds me so tight, the way he says he loves me. I can admit it now. I love him. It still scares me, but I am comfortable admitting it now. I love him so much.

No Fear

There is no better feeling than the feeling where relief hits you so hard you can almost literally feel it dripping off of you like beads of water. It's refreshing and reviving. You feel invincible, but you let that feeling go really quick because that is how the trouble started. All lessons learned, you're a smarter, stronger person. No regrets, no mistakes. You're a better person for it. Time to show it. Time for responsibility to take priority over pleasure. Let's show the smarts now.

A Hope that is a Dream

Ever since I was a little girl, I've had this dream. I never knew exactly what I was going to be doing, but I know how I was going to live. I still have this dream. Granted, it's been edited and rearranged a little, but the concept and basic moves are the same. I would live my life hoping for this dream, but making my decisions spontaneously, based on what I'm doing, where I am, who I'm with, and what I want.

This was/still is (in some cases) the idea:

- Graduate high school top of my class and give a speech at graduation
- Graduated top percentile of my class and gave up my chance to give a speech to support a friend who ended up being the speechgiver

- Attend a college in the city and get an internship for a good company
- Attended URI with intentions of studying abroad and going to the city

- Get a good job that I enjoy in the city (something fun and dramatic, like in Hitch or The Devil Wears Prada) that also allows me to travel often

- Live in a beautiful modern apartment by myself

- Dress incredibly and wear heels as often as I want because you can do that in the city

- Meet the man of my dreams and fall in love

- Marry and live in an apartment in the city or a cute little "first home" on the outskirts of the city

- Eventually have 2-3 kids and move to the subburbs

- Be a working mom and raise my kids the way my mom raised me

- Be a Grandmom

- Have a covered porch with a rocking chair in my old age

Then there are a few things that I want to occur throughout my life:

- Stay in touch with family, immediate and distant

- Have constant family reunions

- Classic first Christmas/Thanksgiving with the intended husband and family

- etc.

There are a few problems with what I want and my dreams. For example I had always dreamed of dying dramatically: gun-shot wound saving, saving someone's life, etc. I also may find myself skipping over parts of the list and completing other parts first. Of course, if that happens, my entire list is thrown off and may never recover. But I'm realizing that I may be okay with that because it's what I wanted. As I said in the beginning, this is what I hope for, not my life plan. No one can plan their life. It's just not meant to happen.

And so, I make this list to give myself some solidity to what I want. I know my goals and my dreams. I want to see what I can complete. This makes me think about what I want specifically... but that is a job for another time.

Fear

Fear. That one feeling that I don't feel very often. It's so rare in fact that this strange feeling can be nothing but fear. It's that feeling when you take a deep breath, you keep sucking air in because you have no lungs. Your heart sounds like a marching band drum line pounding in your ear, but it's impossible because you are sitting in a quiet room all alone. Where in the pit of your stomach, it feels like there is no pit. And maybe that is what you want, what you are looking for. If you don't have a stomach, nothing can happen. But it starts somewhere deeper than that, lower at least. Can that not exist? Can it disappear? Or maybe go to the other extreme. Give me a sign that it is there, that it does exist. Any sign, physical pain even. Help me to know. There is no fear like this fear. This is not a first for me, but it's the first time I have felt this fear over it. I refuse to analyze it for fear that considering my options is admitting there is, in fact, a problem. I'm not ready for that. There is no problem. Thus, there is no fear.

But then what is this feeling?

Everything Happens for a Reason

"I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries."

Except for the "feels too much" part, this quote is a pretty good summation of who I am. I find that I am learning more about myself every day more than I am learning in school. I change in ways that don't change who I am so much as the realization and reactions to who I've always been. In learning about those things, I learn to love myself. I don't want to do so in the cocky "I love myself! I'm awesome! Everyone should love me!" kinda of way. I need to learn to love myself in an "I appreciate myself, who I am, and what I represent" kind of way.

What I find that I am growing more sick and tired of is the fact that people keep questioning my choices. I made the decisions I made for a reason; whether I complain about the outcome or not, it was my choice. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so if I chose something that makes me unhappy at times, there has got to be a reason. If not a reason, then a lesson. But if it were going to be a lesson, the saying would be "everything happens for a lesson" and as it so happens, it's not.

It might jsut be something I have to get used to. But then again I've been saying that a lot too: "Maybe I just need to get used to it." Maybe it's time for other people to change and clean up their acts instead. But who am I to say that? It's not my place. Someday things will work out. After all, everything happens for a reason.

I Hate Love

This is a quote I discovered while stumbling across the web. It is exactly how I feel about love. Maybe why I am scared of it so much. I fear the pain it will inevitably bring. That's not to say I'm not willing to risk it, because I have found someone I might be willing to risk the pain for, but the fear is still there. I'm just glad I found this Neil Gaiman guy, someone else who understands what I'm feeling.

Frustration and Hope

So it's about a quarter past 3 a.m. and I am still awake. Why? Well because my boyfriend and I are fighting... again. It seems we do this a lot lately. I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with something we have in common: the inability to admit jealousy. It is that or he doesn't trust me. Come to think of it, it could be both. I wish I could understand. I think I am mostly frustrated because he will sarcastically tell me what is wrong on the surface but he won't explain why it bothers him. Shouldn't relationships involve a lot of deep communication? I want to understand him. It kills me not knowing what he is really thinking.

A few people have asked me why I am still with someone if all we do is fight. I answer that it's because I can't be without him. I feel like I can't say things like this to him, after all it's only been a few months. But no one really knows what is going on between us. Yes, we fight a bit, but when we aren't fighting, it's so great. I just want to go back to that. I will go through a million moments like this if it means we can have just one of those happy moments. Just imagining being without him now makes my heart beat fast and my stomach drop to the point where I actually feel nauseous. I can't fathom it. Also ridiculous after only a few months of a relationship, partly why I rarely voice that part of my feelings.

I also can't take too much of what other people say intto account because they don't know the actual situation. I don't reveil too much about what goes on when we are alone because I like keeping our moments between the two of us. There is the occasional "adorable story" or "romantic story" or even "funny story" that I tell a friend, but nothing with too much detail. The same goes for when we have situations like this. I tell friends that we are fighting again. Fighting doesn't include much detail but it's happened often enough lately for those few people to think that it's happening too often. I agree at that point but I almost get offended that they would even suggest such a thing as a break up to me, but I catch myself because they don't know anything.

The thing is, I know what I'm doing wrong, but I can't bring myself to change it. There are the obvious things that I know I should, and will, change. But it's the other things that I have a hard time changing. The ones that involve a bigger change. He tells me that he doesn't want me to change myself, he fell for me not his edited version of me. Yet, he constantly seems to be finding flaws with who I am and what I like. I understand that he might be uncomfortable with certain things but relationships are about compromise, not complete elimination of one sides choices. Something needs to be said but it's difficult to do that with someone who is not willing to talk. I just get frustrated.

But I can't be mad. Yes, I am frustrated but with the situation, not with him. I can't get mad at him. When we fight all I want is for it to be over. I don't want sarcasm or anger or frustration in words from him. I want the tenderness we had. The sweetness. The softness. I just don't like fighting with people I care about and he happens to be at the top of that list. I don't know what else to do without seeming like the crazy, possessive, annoying girlfriend. And again, frustration.

Maybe the best thing to do right now is sleep it off and hope that maybe tomorrow we will both be in  "better" states of mind to talk. It's all I can do at this point. Hope.

Contraditions

Do I want to study abroad?
Yes.
So what's holding me back?

I don't want to be that girl who uses her boyfriend as her excuse for doing or not doing something but in this case it's honestly all I can think about. I've never been this attached to a guy before. It's only been a few months but we're going on a year of "attachment" and I feel things I've never felt before. If I were to go abroad it would probably be next spring or maybe even the fall of my junior year. My issue is I am confident that we are going to work and if we do, how attached will I be that far down the road? I figure giving myself time will make it better, plus I have time to plan and save some money.

Travelling has always been my dream and I can't just let that go for him. This is what I want to do with my life. I guess, realizing that I might have to encounter this a lot if it is my dream, then I should get used to it. The earlier the better. But I find it so hard to just cut all ties and not feel any remorse about it. By cutting ties, I don't mean breaking up, I mean letting go of problems. We fight often when we see each other every day; what would it be like when we are in two different hemispheres?

The more I analyze this the more I realize how ridiculous I am sounding. I am contradicting myself with every word because I say that I don't want to make decisions based on him but every thought I have on the subject relates back to him. It would be so beneficial to me if I go. I need to think about that. I need to go for me.

Of course the other issue is money. Time to talk to the 'rents. Priorities here.

Y.O.U.

You. Yes, you. I am writing this for you.

I know you are reading this. And I want you to know I am writing this for you. No one else will understand. No one else knows. They think that this is for them. But it’s not. I am writing this for you.
I want you to know, life…it’s hard. Every day can be a challenge. It can be a challenge to get up in the morning. To get yourself out of bed. To put on that smile. But I want you to know, that smile is what keeps me going some days. You need to remember, even through the tough times, you are amazing. You really are.

You should be happy. You are gorgeous.

I know that the weather might not be perfect. You might have to turn your back to the wind or feel the cold nipping at your nose. But you know what, at least you are there to feel it. At least you can enjoy the sun’s warm rays on your face. Or that cold wind biting at your cheeks. You know what that means?

You are alive.

Everything will be okay.