Look Out World...

So it's been a while since I posted, but I have a few excuses. For one school started up again...
Actually, that's the only reason I have and it's really bad. I could say sorority stuff is overwhelming me but I signed up for it so I can't complain about a self-induced issue. Although if you can't complain about that, then what do you ever complain about?
My other semi-excuse could be my new-found addiction to StumbleUpon.com. That thing is a failure waiting to happen. My grades may or may not feel the impact of this addiction. Perhaps I ought to enter myself in a clinic for the internetually insane. Give the world a few years and I'm sure those will be real things. If I were smart I would copyright that term now; I could be a rich woman someday. That is assuming the world doesn't end next December. All I have to say about that is that it had better not otherwise I have spent my entire life in school. NOT. COOL.

So lately, I have been having crazy feelings. I refuse to call them emotions yet because admitting that will lead to bad things for me. I stick to the term feelings because it covers a whole range of... well, feelings, from literal to mental. I find that I have times where I want nothing more than to cry, but I hold in because I am not a crier. Crying is a major sign of weakness in my opinion and if I were to break my own rule... I can't even begin to explain the crazy things that would occur inside my brain. To give an idea, I guess I would compare it to something like a tire exploding off of a car in motion, sending the vehicle spiriling out of control and into a ditch where it self-combusts and creates a huge explosion of firey chaos. Somehow the driver, in this situation, me, emerges from the flame engulfed car virtually unscathed only to later show signs of post traumatic stress which leads to reactions similar to that of tourrettes.
So, that being said, I do not cry. The other half of the time I just feel angry. Or maybe angry isn't the right term. I'm too proud to admit to jealousy, but I suppose secretly that could be what it is. I just don't understand how men's minds work. Without considering my math, the third half of the time, I am happy. I love being with him, and he makes me feel like no one else ever has. But the fact that I feel sad/angry/jealous and I know it's because of him, it dulls the happiness. I want nothing more than to feel the genuine happiness I felt at the beginning of the relationship. That seems lame, because we've only been together for a little over a month, but counting the "friendship" we had before makes it so much longer. In that time I allowed myself to open up and get unintentionally attached. Sometimes, it seems like it was so much easier then. I was happy and yet still independent. I want to go back to that time without losing the  relationship status. I've never been confronted with something so mentally hard to handle.
i just wish I had someone to tell me how to go about doing everything. A leader of some sort. I've always been my own leader and I normally would have it no other way, but this situation puts me in a position that leaves me no other option but to ask. I don't know who to ask and I don't know how to ask, which I guess is no more helpful than knowing how to say something to him. This must be one of life's lessons. "Learn to take care of yourself, in a different way." Time to man up and just do it. Retain my own morals and be independent again. If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself. Old mottos- it's time to bring them back into play.
Look out world.
I'm back.