It is 2011, a new year, a chance to start over, a chance to be a whole new person, and most importantly, for me at least, it is a chance to reflect. Today I was thinking about everything that I wanted to do and everything I did. I thought about the mistakes I'd made and the lessons I'd learned. I thought about the good times I had and the crazy things that happened to me. But mostly I thought about the could have's, the should have's, and the would have's. I began to subconsciously make a list and decided that it would probably be best to write them down. So here it is:
the could have's:
-I could have gone to school in the city. Boston or New York or wherever. The choice was mine but when it came down to it, I chose to stay local.
-I could have done better in school.
-I could have worked myself harder so I could be faster and get a running scholarship.
-I could have ran through the pain when I finally made it to states in track. The disappointment that radiated from my dad before the race was even finished was enough to bring me to tears.
-I could have searched harder for another job.
-I could have applied for more scholarships.
-I could have helped my mom out more during the summer so she wouldn't get the ulcer she got.
-I could have put more effort into the second job I had over the summer.
-I could have kept that job during college.
-I could have gone to RIC for practically nothing.
the should have's:
-I should have gone to school in the city. Boston or New York or wherever. The choice was mine but when it came down to it, I chose to stay local.
-I should have done better in school.
-I should have worked myself harder so I could be faster and get a running scholarship.
-I should have ran through the pain when I finally made it to states in track. The disappointment that radiated from my dad before the race was even finished was enough to bring me to tears.
-I should have searched harder for another job.
-I should have applied for more scholarships.
-I should have helped my mom out more during the summer so she wouldn't get the ulcer she got.
-I should have put more effort into the second job I had over the summer.
-I should have kept that job during college.
-I should have gone to RIC for practically nothing.
and the would have's:
-I would have gone to school in the city. Boston or New York or wherever. The choice was mine but when it came down to it, I chose to stay local. Money was my biggest factor in this decision which makes it a legitimate excuse I suppose.
-I would have done better in school but I was so bogged down with the work and sports and my job and my siblings and my desire to hang out with my friends that I was happy being somewhat average.
-I would have worked myself harder so I could be faster and get a running scholarship but after all the pressure I didn't want to run anymore. I like running when i wasn't good because then I did it just for fun.
-I would have ran through the pain when I finally made it to states in track. The disappointment that radiated from my dad before the race was even finished was enough to bring me to tears. But I twisted my ankle and the pain was enough to bring me to tears before my dad could.
-I would have searched harder for another job but I wanted some time with my friends over the summer.
-I would have applied for more scholarships but I was too lazy and my FAFSA gave me enough money anyway. I'll pay it all back later.
-I would have helped my mom out more during the summer so she wouldn't get the ulcer she got but there was only so much I could do. Lilly called me "mommy" a few times to begin with. Imagine a whole summer of me.
-I would have put more effort into the second job I had over the summer but the work was so boring and my boss never knew if I was slacking off anyway because I honestly did a better job than he did.
-I would have kept that job during college but I wanted the ultimate freedom and that job was just God-awful.
-I would have gone to RIC for practically nothing but that involved me continuing my running career and attending a school that was nearly full to the brim with everyone from my high school. College was supposed to be an escape for me, not an extension of high school.
I realized that my could have's and should have's were the same and my would have's were my excuses for them. Everything I should have done, I could have. If it weren't for my "would have except"'s I might have. Rest easy knowing I sufficiently confused myself while rolling all this over in my mind. While I feel incomplete for not doing these things, I did have reasons to do the opposite of them. I made legitimate decisions, no matter how they made me feel afterward.
After thinking about all of this, all I had left to ponder was what if things had been different. Slowly my mind began to turn and I started imagining where my life would have gone instead if other events had taken place rather than the ones that did. And so began my list of what if's.
What if:
-I had gone to the city?
-I had ended up with Tim?
-I hadn't given myself entirely to a guy I barely knew?
-I had tried harder during track season?
-I had found another job or two?
-I had gone to RIC?
-I hadn't ended up at URI?
-I didn't spend so much time with Josh?
-I hadn't waited for him?
-I quit?
The simple answer I came up with for all of the aforementioned questions is: I wouldn't be the extremely happy person I am right now. I may not have done so much, but what have I gained? This is when I began to list my "so glad I did"'s.
I am so glad I did because:
-I had time for my friends this summer.
-I wasn't good enough for university track anyway.
-I met some incredible people at URI, people I know will stick with me forever.
-I had the chance to see if my relationship with a certain guy would end up somewhere worthwhile, which it did in this new year. Approximately 2 hours into the new year actually.
-I had some experiences that I will never forget, such as the chance to be the Maid of Honor in my best friend's wedding.
-I had some great bonding time with my family and we grew a lot closer, sadly because of college. My siblings (mainly just one brother) and I fight a lot less now because we've learned to appreciate each other.
-I had some amazing times with some of the best people I will ever know.
And so 2010, with all of this out of my mind, I bid you adieu. We had some good runs and I will never forget you but now I am on to bigger and better things. 2011 is the new place to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment