Insecurities

The following is just a tangent. I am letting my train of thought run off its tracks. Bare with the randomness.
---------------------------------------------

I had an epiphany yesterday during a conversation with a close friend. I was venting about my jealousy of my man's best friend, a girl, when I realized that I am not jealous of her, but her relationship with him. The girl herself is very cool. In any other situation I think we could be really good friends; actually I have no doubts that we will be eventually. What bothers me about this girl is the way the two of them are together. Allow me to clarify my thoughts.

First, the two of us have so much in common. Me and Ashley (the friend) are so much alike that it's almost scary; it's how I know that we would be very good friends. When I say we are alike, I mean we do the same kind of  things, we say the same kind of things, we think the same kind of way. I catch it a lot. What bothers me is that because, supposedly my man and her have been friends for longer than he and I have known each other so she beat me to the punch with a lot of things. This puts me in a tight spot because now when I want to say or do certain things, two things often happen. One, he will call me on it and say something like "Hey, ashley does/says the same thing!" and there is nothing I hate more than being compared to people, espcially other girls. Or two, it will look like I'm trying to copy, or be like, Ashley, which is entirely not true. My problem is that whether or not he thinks this or is even conscious of this fact, I can't do anything with him without wondering if he's remembering her.

Now I want this to be perfectly clear. As I said before, I am not jealous of Ashley. I know how he feels toward her and I believe that. They are best friends and that is all. I just hate so much being compared to other people. It bothers me more to be compared to Ashley than it does to be compared to his ex-girlfriends. And as I've said, it's because we are so alike that I can't do anything without feeling like I'm a poser. This eats at me because it's who I am. So I'm caught. Two incredibly strong inner feelings pulling me in two different directions. Do I do my normal thing and look exactly like Ashley? Or do I continue stopping myself so I appear to be a different person?

This is when my mind jumps in. "Never change for a man. Ever." That has been my motto forever and it always will be. I don't intend to change for anyone. This is when I find myself wondering if I'm looking for a loophole. If, by stopping myself from seeming like Ashley, am I changing for him? The debate begins. I'm not changing, I'm jsut holding back. But if by holding back it's changing how I seem to him, is it "change"? I'm beginning to think it is. But then half of me thinks that if I were to go back to who I really am, it would be an obvious change, to me at least, so would it seem that way to him too? As I've stated multiple times, I hate being compared to other people. I guess it's my greatest fear. I've always been my own person. Being like someone is something I can hardly bare. Admitting it to myself that Ashley and I actually are alike is huge. I don't know if I could handle someone else thinking so too.

Another debate pulls it's way into my head. He tells me Ashley is like his little sister. He tells me he really likes me and things we do together lead me to believe he is not looking at me like a sister. Where does my mind get caught up? Ashley and I ahave so much in common. Too much. So where does this separation go? Either he sees me as a sister or he sees her as more than a sister. Considering he already doesn't see me as a sister leads me to think what I don't want to believe. Then another thought comes in: he probably doesn't know how alike we are because I have kept it hidden for fear of being compared. So then, if I were to be all me, would he change his mind? Would I seem like a sister too? Would I remind him of Ashley too much? I think too much. I need to stop.

When I try to tell myself that everything I just mentioned above is ridiculous and I shouldn't worry about it, I remember times when I've seen them toegther, or even not together. First when they aren't together. he is always talking to her. I don't have a problem with that. They're friends. I talk to my friends a lot. When it bothers me is when he and I are hanging out and she will text him. He will not put down the phone. Ever. We could be in the movies, out to eat, hanging out at one of our houses. I will always know when she texts him because he will always say out loud "Ashwee!" What do I make of that? Maybe it would bother me less if he would do the same with me when he is with her, but alas he doesn't. When he is with her, he will just happen to not respond to my texts until they are no longer together. It doesn't bother me that he doesn't respond to my texts. I'm not entirely insane. I don't get possessive or jealous or stupid like that. What bothers me if the fact that he has no problem doing it with her but when it comes to me things change. I find myself questioning who the girlfriend is. It hurts. But how do you say that to him? "I want you to text me the entire time you're with Ashley?" Yeah... that doesn't sound insane. There is no way to change it. I just have to come to terms with it. I just can't.

Being with the two of them may or may not be worse. He will chose a conversation with her over me at the drop of a hat. Granted my conversation topics are limited because I'm putting in extra effort to not be compared to Ashley when in her presence. It's just frustrating to actually be there and still be looked over. Take our last trip to the movies. During the movie, the two of them talked the entire time, shared a drink, and made plans to hang out again soon. No big deal, right? He doesn't remember me talking to him during the movie (I tend to talk a lot, it's a bad habit). His entire body was turned away from me. I read his body language and it was tilted in every way toward her. Legs, knees facing her, elbow on the armrest their two chairs shared, head resting on that very arm. At some times, his entire back was facing me. The two of them made plans to see movies I asked him to see with me at an earlier time. Yeah, he could see it twice, but it's not the same. The entire time I could do nothing but sit there and just watch it happen. I'm not sure if anyone can understand my frustration, but it makes a ball form in my throat, like when you want to cry, except tears don't come. I just feel my heart beating really fast and my head get really hot.

At this point I don't know what to do. I want to just be me 100% but I can't stand the thought that he is going to think of Ashley every time I do anything. I can't bring myself to tell him because then he'll just think it instead of  saying it out loud, which is just as bad. I'm so confused and so lost and I don't know what to do. Even when I'm alone I find myself thinking about Ashley. I probably think about her more than he does. I am doing this to myself. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but if no one knows, is there really drama?

I just want this all to go away. I want to be who I've always been. Why don't I remember her being a factor before? It seems like it only happened when I started having feelings for him. Over the summer I don't remember him talking to her. Am I going crazy? I'm not jealous of her. I am sure of that fact. What I'm jealous of is an ambiguous object. I need to get over this. It's nothing.

But it's not. Fuck.