Pet Peeves

Today I was wondering what all my pet peeves are. God knows there are a ton. Some are big, some are small, some are... whatever. So I decided to make a list. This is what I got so far.

- being talked down to... HATE that
- People snoring
- Noises when I need to focus
- People who chew with their mouths open
- People who can't chew gum quietly
- Slurping while eating
- People who refuse to clean up after themselves when it gets to the point when it effects me
- Hearing music from people's headphones
- Incompetant doctors
- Two faced people to change their opinions based on the people they are with
- People who think it's okay to dress scandelously on a regular basis
- Being ignored
- People who count their calories
- People who only eat salad
- People who whine about their weight when they have nothing to whine about
- Being over-looked
- Girls who don't care that their thongs hang out of their pants
- People who sugar coat things to make me feel better
- When people don't tell me things
- When people take my things without asking
- One word text messages
- Being asked to change
- People who use their phone in the movie theater
- Being blamed for things that aren't my fault
- Squeaky, high pitched voices
- Being told "you can't"
- People who treat you like you're drunk or stupid all the time when clearly you can care for yourself
- Forgotten important dates
- Small innocent jokes that get carried away
- Losing freedom
- Being asked over and over every day about getting a job
- When people get mad for no apparent reason, yet it's my fault somehow
- Being bugged about money
- Sound effects people make with their mouths that continue for over three minutes straight
- When everyone is clueless about things like this and all you can do it sit there and stew
- Complaining
- Whining
Which is exactly what this list is. I'm done.

Insecurities

The following is just a tangent. I am letting my train of thought run off its tracks. Bare with the randomness.
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I had an epiphany yesterday during a conversation with a close friend. I was venting about my jealousy of my man's best friend, a girl, when I realized that I am not jealous of her, but her relationship with him. The girl herself is very cool. In any other situation I think we could be really good friends; actually I have no doubts that we will be eventually. What bothers me about this girl is the way the two of them are together. Allow me to clarify my thoughts.

First, the two of us have so much in common. Me and Ashley (the friend) are so much alike that it's almost scary; it's how I know that we would be very good friends. When I say we are alike, I mean we do the same kind of  things, we say the same kind of things, we think the same kind of way. I catch it a lot. What bothers me is that because, supposedly my man and her have been friends for longer than he and I have known each other so she beat me to the punch with a lot of things. This puts me in a tight spot because now when I want to say or do certain things, two things often happen. One, he will call me on it and say something like "Hey, ashley does/says the same thing!" and there is nothing I hate more than being compared to people, espcially other girls. Or two, it will look like I'm trying to copy, or be like, Ashley, which is entirely not true. My problem is that whether or not he thinks this or is even conscious of this fact, I can't do anything with him without wondering if he's remembering her.

Now I want this to be perfectly clear. As I said before, I am not jealous of Ashley. I know how he feels toward her and I believe that. They are best friends and that is all. I just hate so much being compared to other people. It bothers me more to be compared to Ashley than it does to be compared to his ex-girlfriends. And as I've said, it's because we are so alike that I can't do anything without feeling like I'm a poser. This eats at me because it's who I am. So I'm caught. Two incredibly strong inner feelings pulling me in two different directions. Do I do my normal thing and look exactly like Ashley? Or do I continue stopping myself so I appear to be a different person?

This is when my mind jumps in. "Never change for a man. Ever." That has been my motto forever and it always will be. I don't intend to change for anyone. This is when I find myself wondering if I'm looking for a loophole. If, by stopping myself from seeming like Ashley, am I changing for him? The debate begins. I'm not changing, I'm jsut holding back. But if by holding back it's changing how I seem to him, is it "change"? I'm beginning to think it is. But then half of me thinks that if I were to go back to who I really am, it would be an obvious change, to me at least, so would it seem that way to him too? As I've stated multiple times, I hate being compared to other people. I guess it's my greatest fear. I've always been my own person. Being like someone is something I can hardly bare. Admitting it to myself that Ashley and I actually are alike is huge. I don't know if I could handle someone else thinking so too.

Another debate pulls it's way into my head. He tells me Ashley is like his little sister. He tells me he really likes me and things we do together lead me to believe he is not looking at me like a sister. Where does my mind get caught up? Ashley and I ahave so much in common. Too much. So where does this separation go? Either he sees me as a sister or he sees her as more than a sister. Considering he already doesn't see me as a sister leads me to think what I don't want to believe. Then another thought comes in: he probably doesn't know how alike we are because I have kept it hidden for fear of being compared. So then, if I were to be all me, would he change his mind? Would I seem like a sister too? Would I remind him of Ashley too much? I think too much. I need to stop.

When I try to tell myself that everything I just mentioned above is ridiculous and I shouldn't worry about it, I remember times when I've seen them toegther, or even not together. First when they aren't together. he is always talking to her. I don't have a problem with that. They're friends. I talk to my friends a lot. When it bothers me is when he and I are hanging out and she will text him. He will not put down the phone. Ever. We could be in the movies, out to eat, hanging out at one of our houses. I will always know when she texts him because he will always say out loud "Ashwee!" What do I make of that? Maybe it would bother me less if he would do the same with me when he is with her, but alas he doesn't. When he is with her, he will just happen to not respond to my texts until they are no longer together. It doesn't bother me that he doesn't respond to my texts. I'm not entirely insane. I don't get possessive or jealous or stupid like that. What bothers me if the fact that he has no problem doing it with her but when it comes to me things change. I find myself questioning who the girlfriend is. It hurts. But how do you say that to him? "I want you to text me the entire time you're with Ashley?" Yeah... that doesn't sound insane. There is no way to change it. I just have to come to terms with it. I just can't.

Being with the two of them may or may not be worse. He will chose a conversation with her over me at the drop of a hat. Granted my conversation topics are limited because I'm putting in extra effort to not be compared to Ashley when in her presence. It's just frustrating to actually be there and still be looked over. Take our last trip to the movies. During the movie, the two of them talked the entire time, shared a drink, and made plans to hang out again soon. No big deal, right? He doesn't remember me talking to him during the movie (I tend to talk a lot, it's a bad habit). His entire body was turned away from me. I read his body language and it was tilted in every way toward her. Legs, knees facing her, elbow on the armrest their two chairs shared, head resting on that very arm. At some times, his entire back was facing me. The two of them made plans to see movies I asked him to see with me at an earlier time. Yeah, he could see it twice, but it's not the same. The entire time I could do nothing but sit there and just watch it happen. I'm not sure if anyone can understand my frustration, but it makes a ball form in my throat, like when you want to cry, except tears don't come. I just feel my heart beating really fast and my head get really hot.

At this point I don't know what to do. I want to just be me 100% but I can't stand the thought that he is going to think of Ashley every time I do anything. I can't bring myself to tell him because then he'll just think it instead of  saying it out loud, which is just as bad. I'm so confused and so lost and I don't know what to do. Even when I'm alone I find myself thinking about Ashley. I probably think about her more than he does. I am doing this to myself. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but if no one knows, is there really drama?

I just want this all to go away. I want to be who I've always been. Why don't I remember her being a factor before? It seems like it only happened when I started having feelings for him. Over the summer I don't remember him talking to her. Am I going crazy? I'm not jealous of her. I am sure of that fact. What I'm jealous of is an ambiguous object. I need to get over this. It's nothing.

But it's not. Fuck.

A Story Written By Kat

So as I've said before, my little eleven year old sister, Kat, is a very, very good writer. Tonight, she asked me to read one of her latest pieces. I wanted to share what she had so far. I thought it was pretty good for a ten minute write.

The First Time I Saw Aaron, Disaster Struck

I was new to Riverrook Junior High, a stranger to all in the almsot invisible town of Rookston. When I say invisible, I mean closed down and abandoned. The only buildings that stand are the condos and the school house which doubled as a church and meeting hall.

We moved from Manhattan because my father drugged a policeman that killed the mayor's son. He said here we'd spend more time together.

The truth is I don't see him at all. The first day of school, he dropped me off with his wallet and drove away. No reason, no note,but he left. I walked into the brick building that was my new school.

Cigarette butts littered the corridors. Other than the flies that surrounded the overflowing trash cans, I was alone. Leave it to my father to neglect the fact that it was a Saturday, and a dreary one, about to rain.

The drizzle had already started. I walked deeper into the school hoping to find shelter from the cold. The doorswere missing from the entrance.

I walked down the hall, if that is what you would call it, more like a closet, like spaces and a single classroom. The classroom had no door so I let myself in. The chairs were wooden and looked about to fall apart. I sat down gingerly on the safest looking one and considered my position.

I am alone with only my dad's wallet to support me. My only shelter is a drafty schoolhouse that is ready to fall apart. My father is gone...

I stopped my lsit. Tears came to my eyes, as if every sad memory just came back and had to explode. I held my coat to my eyes and soon it was soaked. I could have spent hours crying my woes away had I not seen the boy. I instantly scooped my sorrows back to the deepest part in my mind and looked directly at him.

"Who are you?" I asked him, voice still faltering, afraid that tears would flood back.

"Aaron," he answered, as if it answered all of my questions. Then without another word he withdrew a pen from his pocket and glided toward me. He took my hand in his and drew what looked like a backward four anda circle.

Aaron replaced the oen in his pocket and walked out of the room with much speed and grace. I felt a buzz first in my hand, then my arm, and then my whole body. I felt the pain of hitting the floor hard, then fell into a dreamless sleep.

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That was all she had for me, but I was impressed with it. I gave her a few pointers, like to mention that the main character/narrator is a girl. It is actually supposed to be herself. She likes to pick herself up and put herself in her stories. It's her way of going on adventures. It's cute.

Just Trust Me... Okay?

So today I hung out with my new boyfriend. No big deal? Well, apparently I stayed out too late because when I arrived home at approximately 2:55 AM, every door to the house was locked. I knew the point of the test was to wake up my parents by calling them so that they could do whatever angry parents do to teenagers who know the laws. Unwilling to give in to their little game, I called first, my little sister. When she didn't answer, I broke down a little and called my brother. He is not one I would like to have to count on in this kind of situation but I needed to get inside. My only other way into the house is my sneaky escape and if no one had let me in, they would have eventually figured out how I got in. If they figure that out, then I no longer have an escape so calling my brother was my best option.
Of course, I already have an excuse mapped out. I don't really like getting in trouble, even if nothing more than a scolding occurs. I am just upset that they felt the need to lock me out to prove a point. I'm hoping that my getting back inside without awaking them will reverse this point and direct it at them. I am eighteen years old, an adult in society's eyes, with my nineteenth birthday just around the corner. I am in college; I have experienced freedom. They can't hold me in. Sometimes the bird doesn't get dropped out of the nest to test its wings. Sometimes it knows its wings work and it jumps out on its own. Well this bird got blown back into the nest by the cold winds of winter, but come spring, she'll be gone again. Holding her back is only increasing her desire to go further away.
My parents know that I wouldn't do anything stupid and they tell me all the time that they know. So why can't they trust me now. My leaving for college has changed the way they look at me. Obviously I am not going to do at home what I do in college. I know I have responsibilities and reputations to uphold here (that's mostly why I love college so much). They need to know that as much as I don't like it, I am the same person I've always been when I'm home. They need to continue to trust that person. Me. Ugh.

New Year, Clean Slate

It is 2011, a new year, a chance to start over, a chance to be a whole new person, and most importantly, for me at least, it is a chance to reflect. Today I was thinking about everything that I wanted to do and everything I did. I thought about the mistakes I'd made and the lessons I'd learned. I thought about the good times I had and the crazy things that happened to me. But mostly I thought about the could have's, the should have's, and the would have's. I began to subconsciously make a list and decided that it would probably be best to write them down. So here it is:

the could have's:
-I could have gone to school in the city. Boston or New York or wherever. The choice was mine but when it came down to it, I chose to stay local.
-I could have done better in school.
-I could have worked myself harder so I could be faster and get a running scholarship.
-I could have ran through the pain when I finally made it to states in track. The disappointment that radiated from my dad before the race was even finished was enough to bring me to tears.
-I could have searched harder for another job.
-I could have applied for more scholarships.
-I could have helped my mom out more during the summer so she wouldn't get the ulcer she got.
-I could have put more effort into the second job I had over the summer.
-I could have kept that job during college.
-I could have gone to RIC for practically nothing.

the should have's:
-I should have gone to school in the city. Boston or New York or wherever. The choice was mine but when it came down to it, I chose to stay local.
-I should have done better in school.
-I should have worked myself harder so I could be faster and get a running scholarship.
-I should have ran through the pain when I finally made it to states in track. The disappointment that radiated from my dad before the race was even finished was enough to bring me to tears.
-I should have searched harder for another job.
-I should have applied for more scholarships.
-I should have helped my mom out more during the summer so she wouldn't get the ulcer she got.
-I should have put more effort into the second job I had over the summer.
-I should have kept that job during college.
-I should have gone to RIC for practically nothing.

and the would have's:
-I would have gone to school in the city. Boston or New York or wherever. The choice was mine but when it came down to it, I chose to stay local. Money was my biggest factor in this decision which makes it a legitimate excuse I suppose.
-I would have done better in school but I was so bogged down with the work and sports and my job and my siblings and my desire to hang out with my friends that I was happy being somewhat average.
-I would have worked myself harder so I could be faster and get a running scholarship but after all the pressure I didn't want to run anymore. I like running when i wasn't good because then I did it just for fun.
-I would have ran through the pain when I finally made it to states in track. The disappointment that radiated from my dad before the race was even finished was enough to bring me to tears. But I twisted my ankle and the pain was enough to bring me to tears before my dad could.
-I would have searched harder for another job but I wanted some time with my friends over the summer.
-I would have applied for more scholarships but I was too lazy and my FAFSA gave me enough money anyway. I'll pay it all back later.
-I would have helped my mom out more during the summer so she wouldn't get the ulcer she got but there was only so much I could do. Lilly called me "mommy" a few times to begin with. Imagine a whole summer of me.
-I would have put more effort into the second job I had over the summer but the work was so boring and my boss never knew if I was slacking off anyway because I honestly did a better job than he did.
-I would have kept that job during college but I wanted the ultimate freedom and that job was just God-awful.
-I would have gone to RIC for practically nothing but that involved me continuing my running career and attending a school that was nearly full to the brim with everyone from my high school. College was supposed to be an escape for me, not an extension of high school.

I realized that my could have's and should have's were the same and my would have's were my excuses for them. Everything I should have done, I could have. If it weren't for my "would have except"'s I might have. Rest easy knowing I sufficiently confused myself while rolling all this over in my mind. While I feel incomplete for not doing these things, I did have reasons to do the opposite of them. I made legitimate decisions, no matter how they made me feel afterward.

After thinking about all of this, all I had left to ponder was what if things had been different. Slowly my mind began to turn and I started imagining where my life would have gone instead if other events had taken place rather than the ones that did. And so began my list of what if's.

What if:
-I had gone to the city?
-I had ended up with Tim?
-I hadn't given myself entirely to a guy I barely knew?
-I had tried harder during track season?
-I had found another job or two?
-I had gone to RIC?
-I hadn't ended up at URI?
-I didn't spend so much time with Josh?
-I hadn't waited for him?
-I quit?

The simple answer I came up with for all of the aforementioned questions is: I wouldn't be the extremely happy person I am right now. I may not have done so much, but what have I gained? This is when I began to list my "so glad I did"'s.

I am so glad I did because:
-I had time for my friends this summer.
-I wasn't good enough for university track anyway.
-I met some incredible people at URI, people I know will stick with me forever.
-I had the chance to see if my relationship with a certain guy would end up somewhere worthwhile, which it did in this new year. Approximately 2 hours into the new year actually.
-I had some experiences that I will never forget, such as the chance to be the Maid of Honor in my best friend's wedding.
-I had some great bonding time with my family and we grew a lot closer, sadly because of college. My siblings (mainly just one brother) and I fight a lot less now because we've learned to appreciate each other.
-I had some amazing times with some of the best people I will ever know.

And so 2010, with all of this out of my mind, I bid you adieu. We had some good runs and I will never forget you but now I am on to bigger and better things. 2011 is the new place to be.

From Sister

My little sister, Kat, came home from school today and handed me a Christmas card she made me but left at school over vacation. It had a poem inside. It was adorable.


Naomi,
2010 comes to a close as New Years Eve draws near
And I just wanted to let you know how much I've changed this year.

I do my hair, it looks quite neat.
I clean my room. I'm starting to eat.
I dress up nice and don't complain.
I have friends to call when it starts to rain.

I'm trying hard to impress you today.
Whatever I do, I think, "What would she say?"
I love you a lot and I'm trying to show
I'm not who left four months ago.

2010 comes to a close as New Years Eve draws near.
I just wanted to remind you how much YOU'VE changed this year.

You're studying hard and sleeping short.
You've got a job of some sort.
Much more mature from Kelsey's wedding.
Brave and true to your college setting.

So Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
That we've changed, it's perfectly clear.
2011 comes in a week.
So I end this card with a kiss on the cheek.

Merry Christmas,
Kat


My sister is eleven and I can easily admimt that her writing skills far surpass my own. She was writing better stories than me when she was in elementary school. I am so impressed with her work. While she is the better writer, she tells me all the time that she only started writing because I wanted to be a writer and she wanted to be just like me. I take pride in that because she was able to discover her true potential. She is amazing. I am so proud of her. My lil' sis. :)

What is blogging...?

I've decided that blogging is a little like going to the gym. Once you start, you can't stop. But once you stop, it's really hard to start back up again. I had reached that point, but fixed it today. It's so addicting so fast!

Well, what has been going on in my life? Hmmm...

First, my best friend Kelsey's wedding was December 19, 2010. It was beautiful and everything ran perfectly. I bawled my eyes out, of course. I hate making the day about me, but I absolutely hated the dress she made me wear and the way my hair was put up. Everyone said it looked good but it just wasn't me. I felt uncomfortable the whole night. Not to mention my breasts were hanging out because the dress was strapless and... awful. I didn't say anything (obviously) because she is my best friend and it was her wedding. Other than my own comfort, the day/night was perfect. The couple looked to happy. I"m happy for them. I love those two so much. But so much is going to change. Just the other day, when the two got back from their honeymoon and after Christmas, she invited me over. I accepted the invitation and went to her new apartment in the basement of her parents house. Just being there felt weird. I felt like I was in one of those awkward TV shows where two married couples get together and play board games because that is a much fun as they can have. My friend Dan and I sat silently unless the activity required words. I hate that her marriage and her baby are goiong to change everything. No, I feel guilty saying that. What I really mean is that I hate that I have to change myself around her because of her marriage and her baby. Yes, I am being extremely selfish and self-centered, but honestly? Everyone tells me that I need to be there for her and do all this stuff for her. Why do I have to change my life because of what she did? i would never have come home from school this past semester if it weren't for her. Everyone looks down on things I do because I chose them over her. I have a new life now, new priorities, new friends. She will always, always be my best friend, but I can't take changing my life for her. I just can't do it. We both had a dream. The only difference between us now is that I am actually living it.

Next I guess would be the change of my current status from "single" to "in a relationship".  :)   It happened on New Years Day, which is what the post right before this one is talking about. I am so happy I can't even explain it. it has been close to eight months since we started... talking I guess, and he still gives me the chills when I see that I have a text from him. I still get excited when I know that I will get to see him. I still only want to talk to him every day. I can't explain what I'm feeling or how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling so I'm just not even going to try. Instead, for once, I am just going to enjoy the feeling. Unofficially, this is the longest relationship I've been in. I would like for it to officially be the longest relationship I've been in. I don't want to get ahead of myself because God knows I will jinx myself, but I really hope this works out. Not for my sake but for his sake. I don't know what would happen to him if he were to get hurt again, and so soon after his last heartbreak. I saw him go through that and I still think we are official too soon. I am going to keep my mouth shut because I am sooo happy right now, but it worries me. I care about this boy too much to see him get hurt again. I will not be that girl for him. I will be who he wants me to be, while still being me. I refuse to change, but so far, eight months in, I haven't had to for him. I love that. Maybe I have nothing to be scared of after all...

There are 20 days left until we return to URI.  I can not wait. Until next time...