What do I have to do to get you to listen? It doesn't seem like you hear me when you "listen" to me.
I just want you to pay attention to what hurts me.
It's beginning to become a very physical pain.
What is left for me to do?
I've tried approaching you and talking about it.
It obviously didn't stick.
What is left for me to do?
That is the best thing I could have done in this situation.
Do I need to write up a list so you can see everything at once?
Like rules?
Is that what you want?
I don't want to be that girl but if that's what it takes for you to stop hurting me, I'll do it.
Self-preservation is human's first instinct, right?
I don't think I'm asking too much really.
- Don't flirt with other girls.
- Flirting includes: complimenting them in innappropriate ways (gorgeous, beautiful, hot, sexy, etc)
saying 'I love you' even jokingly
<3
innappropriate talk (most importantly about sex)
- Give me even half of the attention you give other girls publicly.
- "Public" meaning anything from when we're out together to stupid little things on Facebook.
- Just because you're 21 doesn't mean you have to drink.
- Don't get on my case about doing what everyone else does, when you do, especially when it comes to alcohol.
- Tell me when you're drinking.
- This might be the one instance where I feel like you could fight me on legitimacy. To be honest, it makes a difference to me. I just want to know. It makes me feel more comfortable. And who knows, maybe telling me will make you realize just how much you're doing it.
- Don't literally drink and drive.
- I don't like it. I don't want it. It's illegal. Don't do it. It pisses me off. I don't like you driving after having had a few drinks, but I know I can't stop that so at least do this.
- Don't text and drive.
- I've repeatedly told you I don't like it. Why do you keep doing it? Just stop. It really scares me.
- At least try to be personable around my friends and family.
- I know we have a lot of the same friends, but the few that I have that aren't friends with you, please, try to have fun. Socialize or something. Please.
- Please try to make an effort with my family too. I know you don't like "meeting parents" or whatever, but you've met them now a bunch of times. Please be there for me. Come to family events when I invite you and socialize. Please. My family is the single most important thing to me and if for whatever reason they decide they don't like you, my choice will be whatever they decide. Don't make me choose. Please just make this effort. For me. Please.
Am I asking too much? Am I being ridiculous? Writing this list has brought me to tears.
I just want answers. I want to see change. I've changed more than I'm willing to admit for you.
They aren't huge changes; just little ones.
Little things go a lot further than guys think. Than you think.
It hurts so much that we've made it this far and these things are still an issue for me.
I just want to know that you care enough not to hurt me anymore.
Please.
Make an effort in our relationship.
I'm begging you.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
One of Those Nights
It's going to be another one of those nights where I sit alone in my room and fight back tears. The tears that are inevitable because in the back of my heart, I want them to fall. It will help me feel better. I think. Of course, it doesn't eradicate the problem. It will always be there until I decide that I need to open my mouth and say what's on my mind. It just keeps piling up. Perhaps I'm nosey, perhaps I'm obsessive, perhaps I'm not what anyone thinks I am. I like to think the latter. But I don't change because changing isn't who I am. What if who I am is trying to be who I'm not? That can be a thing right? If who I'm not is who I am then I am who I'm not and who I'm not I am. I am not who I am and I am who I am not. I feel like a scene out of a Dr. Seuss book.
Recently I feel like I have discovered every pet peeve of mine. It shouldn't be a big deal but these things bother me to no end. I can't even justify them with importance because they are the dumbest things to upset myself over. But I can't change that they do and they will continue to bother me forever. Or until I decide to just say something about it.
Is it ironic that I'm listening to "Say" by John Mayer right now? He is telling me to "say what you need to say" but I just can't do it. I don't want to sound like a possessive, psychotic, crazy, insane, obsessive, needy, clingy, whiney girl, but maybe that's who I am. Love me for that instead of the quiet submissive girl I seem like.
Tears burn my eyes and I just want to break down, but my ego won't let me. Maybe this is a sign. I can't even cry by myself for fear of embarrassment or shows of weakness. Maybe somewhere down the line when I was feigning strength to avoid the spotlight, I actually became strong. Acting for so long made the performance real. This is exactly what I wanted, but I didn't count on having to realize the change. I don't want to have to be strong. I want to be happy and pain-free. I guess life isn't like that. I just wish I could find a way to say what's on my mind.
Just because I got better with a situation doesn't mean I'm over it yet. I'm just better at handling it. Secretly, it still bothers me just as much, if not, more than it always has. It's the fact that no one notices that I'm secretly writhing in pain that bothers me, but how would they know? The show is too good. I fool everyone. I blame myself for my own pain. I made too many mistakes that got me to this point in my life. I don't regret anything because the final product is exactly what I wanted. I just never considered the situations I'd be in.
I suppose I have no choice but to let someone see my horrible ugly side. That's the only way to get rid of the pain. I need to. All that's left is to hope that they can see past all of that and still love me for how I am all the time and, more importantly, for how I was when they met me.
Recently I feel like I have discovered every pet peeve of mine. It shouldn't be a big deal but these things bother me to no end. I can't even justify them with importance because they are the dumbest things to upset myself over. But I can't change that they do and they will continue to bother me forever. Or until I decide to just say something about it.
Is it ironic that I'm listening to "Say" by John Mayer right now? He is telling me to "say what you need to say" but I just can't do it. I don't want to sound like a possessive, psychotic, crazy, insane, obsessive, needy, clingy, whiney girl, but maybe that's who I am. Love me for that instead of the quiet submissive girl I seem like.
Tears burn my eyes and I just want to break down, but my ego won't let me. Maybe this is a sign. I can't even cry by myself for fear of embarrassment or shows of weakness. Maybe somewhere down the line when I was feigning strength to avoid the spotlight, I actually became strong. Acting for so long made the performance real. This is exactly what I wanted, but I didn't count on having to realize the change. I don't want to have to be strong. I want to be happy and pain-free. I guess life isn't like that. I just wish I could find a way to say what's on my mind.
Just because I got better with a situation doesn't mean I'm over it yet. I'm just better at handling it. Secretly, it still bothers me just as much, if not, more than it always has. It's the fact that no one notices that I'm secretly writhing in pain that bothers me, but how would they know? The show is too good. I fool everyone. I blame myself for my own pain. I made too many mistakes that got me to this point in my life. I don't regret anything because the final product is exactly what I wanted. I just never considered the situations I'd be in.
I suppose I have no choice but to let someone see my horrible ugly side. That's the only way to get rid of the pain. I need to. All that's left is to hope that they can see past all of that and still love me for how I am all the time and, more importantly, for how I was when they met me.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Sick and Tired
Sick and tired of being used and abused and shit on.
Sick and tired of being the one you always go to.
Sick and tired of not being listened to.
Sick and tired of being judged.
Sick and tired of bitches who can’t act their age.
Sick and tired of the drama.
Sick and tired of being stressed.
Sick and tired of you being the problem.
Sick and tired of trying and getting nothing.
Sick and tired of putting on a nice face for you.
Sick and tired of listening to your shit.
Sick and tired of never seeing changes.
Sick and tired of not wanting to go to my own home.
Sick and tired of everything.
I hate all of you. Every single one of you. You are the reason I’m such a bitter person. Congratulations on your achievment. You officially suck.
Sick and tired of being the one you always go to.
Sick and tired of not being listened to.
Sick and tired of being judged.
Sick and tired of bitches who can’t act their age.
Sick and tired of the drama.
Sick and tired of being stressed.
Sick and tired of you being the problem.
Sick and tired of trying and getting nothing.
Sick and tired of putting on a nice face for you.
Sick and tired of listening to your shit.
Sick and tired of never seeing changes.
Sick and tired of not wanting to go to my own home.
Sick and tired of everything.
I hate all of you. Every single one of you. You are the reason I’m such a bitter person. Congratulations on your achievment. You officially suck.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Me Vs. People
I'm stressing pretty hard. Thing is: I'm not even stressing about me. Lately I seem to be so caught up in helping everyone else that I haven't had time to stress about me. Sure, I find time to worry about it and think about my issues, but I don't have time to linger on it.
However, I have caught myself stressing about everyone else and have lately come to wonder why. It's not my problem and most of the time no one listens to me anyway so why should I bother?
On top of that, those of whom I help, rarely seem to care about me in return. So the question that hangs even heavier over my head is: why do I care?
Simple answer? I shouldn't.
But I can't stop. I can't be rude. I can't leave them hanging. It's not who I am.
I wish I could say I wish I were different, but I don't. I like who I am and how I am. I just wish it wasn't so stressful. I wish other people would care about me like I care about them.
However, I have caught myself stressing about everyone else and have lately come to wonder why. It's not my problem and most of the time no one listens to me anyway so why should I bother?
On top of that, those of whom I help, rarely seem to care about me in return. So the question that hangs even heavier over my head is: why do I care?
Simple answer? I shouldn't.
But I can't stop. I can't be rude. I can't leave them hanging. It's not who I am.
I wish I could say I wish I were different, but I don't. I like who I am and how I am. I just wish it wasn't so stressful. I wish other people would care about me like I care about them.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
That's how I know...
How do I know I'm in love?
It's been over a year and all of the little things still get to me...
My heart skips a beat when I see his name light up the screen on my phone.
I catch my breath when he touches me in any way accidentally.
I still get butterflies when I know I'm going to see him soon.
I feel a warmth come over my body when we have an unexpected visit.
His hugs make me feel like everything is alright.
He can never seem to hold me tight enough.
His kisses still make my skin tingle.
His emotions mirror my own and vice versa.
I do everything I can just to get him to crack a smile.
His approval means everything to me.
He is the first person I talk to when something good happens to me.
He is the first person I talk to when something bad happens to me.
He is the only person I can tolerate for days, let alone hours, at a time.
I can't sleep as easily when he isn't there.
I always miss him.
When I have nothing on my mind, he always is.
That's how I know I'm in love.
It's been over a year and all of the little things still get to me...
My heart skips a beat when I see his name light up the screen on my phone.
I catch my breath when he touches me in any way accidentally.
I still get butterflies when I know I'm going to see him soon.
I feel a warmth come over my body when we have an unexpected visit.
His hugs make me feel like everything is alright.
He can never seem to hold me tight enough.
His kisses still make my skin tingle.
His emotions mirror my own and vice versa.
I do everything I can just to get him to crack a smile.
His approval means everything to me.
He is the first person I talk to when something good happens to me.
He is the first person I talk to when something bad happens to me.
He is the only person I can tolerate for days, let alone hours, at a time.
I can't sleep as easily when he isn't there.
I always miss him.
When I have nothing on my mind, he always is.
That's how I know I'm in love.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I love you, but...
So today my mother called "to chat". We all know what that means.
I received the same old tired lecture about how I need to work more and drink less and study harder and focus better and basically be this amazing, successful, perfect person who is opposite of who I am.
...
Well, I've decided not to change a thing about myself. Why? Because I am happy (enough) the way I am and I know I'm headed in the right direction.
What I do with my money is my decision and I will handle it in a way that will not stress me out before I need it. If I want to buy a car instead of paying off my student loans early, let me do it. This car will lessen my stress now because, as most people can tell, I am beginning to crumble under the weight of it. I will pay it off in increments later when it won't kill me to work and make ends meet as a college student just because I don't want to worry about it later when I won't have classes and a part time job to worry about.
Yes, I only have one part time job because I am a full time student. I understand that some people can handle it and I might be one of them, which i proved by having three jobs this summer. However, that does not mean that I plan on living the rest of my life in a similar manner. I worked three jobs all summer because I had nothing else to do with my time but be nagged by my stay-at-home mother. Work was my escape and I took it gladly with arms wide, wide open. Now that I am living away from home and attending school every day, I would like an afternoon or two of downtime. I realize it could be put toward making money to pay off student loans, but it could also be put toward studying or letting myself breathe for a moment.
I have a house off campus because the university did not give me housing. I did everything correctly and on the right days. There is no reason why I was penalized with no housing for the year because I did everything the way I was supposed to. If the school screwed up, it is not my fault. You can trust me when I say I made a fairly large scene in the housing office when this news came to my attention. The phone lines were buzzing and I was fighting. On top of all this, it happened five months ago. We have been over this time and time again. Let it go already.
Yes, I drink. I am a college student. While that is not an excuse, I am not irresponsible about it. I never drive if I have been drinking. I take care of my friends who have been excessively drinking. In regards to pictures on Facebook, the only people with alcohol in their hands are people who are of age. I never have a drink in my hand in pictures, even tagged ones. I edit everything carefully for the simple reason that I know my future employers could be looking at my Facebook, even if it is set to the most private setting possible. Regardless, even if I hadn't thought of any of this, at least take it as a good sign that I am willing to be open with you about this. I have nothing to hide from you. Trust me in at least knowing that I am smart enough to not be stupid.
Don't insult me by hinting that my grades are slipping because I "drink too much, too often." You don't even bother to ask how my grades are, even if the semester is over, and yet you use it as an excuse against me. As a matter of fact, I am excelling far above everyone in my main major and I am holding my own fairly well in my second major. My classes are doing just fine and it is for that very reason that I do allow myself to have some fun once in a while. Forgive me for celebrating a bit more in the beginning while I still can, but I have some making up to do after the prison I just endured with you all summer. No offense, of course.
If I am at my boyfriend's house, it is none of your business as long as my grades stay up and my focus remains strong. You never bothered to ask before and now that you realize things are serious with me, you start getting worried in all the wrong areas. Worry about how I'm going to pay rent or get to and from class, not what where I am when I have some free time, especially if it is someone who is willing to help me do the aforementioned things.
Lastly, I am almost 20 years old. I understand I am your eldest and you are still having some problems letting go, but just remember, the longer you hold on, the more I will want to go and the worse terms we will be on when the grasp is released. Make it easy on all of us. Just let go. I won't run. I will still be within arms reach for a while. I'm still learning this "live on my own" thing. But don't treat me like an immature child who doesn't consider anything when it comes to finances, education, future, etc. Let me learn my own lessons. Trust me and let me do this.
I love you, but sometimes I hate talking to you.
I received the same old tired lecture about how I need to work more and drink less and study harder and focus better and basically be this amazing, successful, perfect person who is opposite of who I am.
...
Well, I've decided not to change a thing about myself. Why? Because I am happy (enough) the way I am and I know I'm headed in the right direction.
What I do with my money is my decision and I will handle it in a way that will not stress me out before I need it. If I want to buy a car instead of paying off my student loans early, let me do it. This car will lessen my stress now because, as most people can tell, I am beginning to crumble under the weight of it. I will pay it off in increments later when it won't kill me to work and make ends meet as a college student just because I don't want to worry about it later when I won't have classes and a part time job to worry about.
Yes, I only have one part time job because I am a full time student. I understand that some people can handle it and I might be one of them, which i proved by having three jobs this summer. However, that does not mean that I plan on living the rest of my life in a similar manner. I worked three jobs all summer because I had nothing else to do with my time but be nagged by my stay-at-home mother. Work was my escape and I took it gladly with arms wide, wide open. Now that I am living away from home and attending school every day, I would like an afternoon or two of downtime. I realize it could be put toward making money to pay off student loans, but it could also be put toward studying or letting myself breathe for a moment.
I have a house off campus because the university did not give me housing. I did everything correctly and on the right days. There is no reason why I was penalized with no housing for the year because I did everything the way I was supposed to. If the school screwed up, it is not my fault. You can trust me when I say I made a fairly large scene in the housing office when this news came to my attention. The phone lines were buzzing and I was fighting. On top of all this, it happened five months ago. We have been over this time and time again. Let it go already.
Yes, I drink. I am a college student. While that is not an excuse, I am not irresponsible about it. I never drive if I have been drinking. I take care of my friends who have been excessively drinking. In regards to pictures on Facebook, the only people with alcohol in their hands are people who are of age. I never have a drink in my hand in pictures, even tagged ones. I edit everything carefully for the simple reason that I know my future employers could be looking at my Facebook, even if it is set to the most private setting possible. Regardless, even if I hadn't thought of any of this, at least take it as a good sign that I am willing to be open with you about this. I have nothing to hide from you. Trust me in at least knowing that I am smart enough to not be stupid.
Don't insult me by hinting that my grades are slipping because I "drink too much, too often." You don't even bother to ask how my grades are, even if the semester is over, and yet you use it as an excuse against me. As a matter of fact, I am excelling far above everyone in my main major and I am holding my own fairly well in my second major. My classes are doing just fine and it is for that very reason that I do allow myself to have some fun once in a while. Forgive me for celebrating a bit more in the beginning while I still can, but I have some making up to do after the prison I just endured with you all summer. No offense, of course.
If I am at my boyfriend's house, it is none of your business as long as my grades stay up and my focus remains strong. You never bothered to ask before and now that you realize things are serious with me, you start getting worried in all the wrong areas. Worry about how I'm going to pay rent or get to and from class, not what where I am when I have some free time, especially if it is someone who is willing to help me do the aforementioned things.
Lastly, I am almost 20 years old. I understand I am your eldest and you are still having some problems letting go, but just remember, the longer you hold on, the more I will want to go and the worse terms we will be on when the grasp is released. Make it easy on all of us. Just let go. I won't run. I will still be within arms reach for a while. I'm still learning this "live on my own" thing. But don't treat me like an immature child who doesn't consider anything when it comes to finances, education, future, etc. Let me learn my own lessons. Trust me and let me do this.
I love you, but sometimes I hate talking to you.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Easy Living (?)
So we are officially all moved into 67 Twinleaf Trail. I absolutely LOVE it here. It's gorgeous and the roommates are great and I'm reunited with my best friend and... ahhh... it's just so nice. Classes start tomorrow and I start my new job in the afternoon. It should be a fun day of firsts.
However, on the negative side, I am beginning to get seriously nervous. I have 2 grand in the bank right now but I need to pay a rent of $575 every month. That 2 grand is going to disappear real quick, especially since I will be pitching in for gas because I am bumming rides so often. Plus I have to eat so food is a necessary (required?) cost. The stress of needing money up front is just hitting me hard. I am really hoping my loans go through soon so I can stop worrying.
Still, nothing can bring me down from the happy high I am on right now. I missed living on my own. This is so wonderful.
However, on the negative side, I am beginning to get seriously nervous. I have 2 grand in the bank right now but I need to pay a rent of $575 every month. That 2 grand is going to disappear real quick, especially since I will be pitching in for gas because I am bumming rides so often. Plus I have to eat so food is a necessary (required?) cost. The stress of needing money up front is just hitting me hard. I am really hoping my loans go through soon so I can stop worrying.
Still, nothing can bring me down from the happy high I am on right now. I missed living on my own. This is so wonderful.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Almost Four Days
In almost four days I will be free again. Free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want and I won't have to ask permission. You'd think that as soon as you hit 18, you know, legal adult age, your parents would ease up on the rules. Nope. They just get pressed into you harder in my house. I'm getting truly sick of it.
Almost four days.
Almost four days.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
58 Days
31 - 9 = 22 + 5 = 27 + 31 = 58 days left until I can move into my house in Kingston. I. Can't. Effing. Wait.
I miss everything.
I miss my best friend.
I miss my boyfriend.
I miss the freedom.
I miss being busy.
I miss having plans.
I miss doing what I want.
I miss eating what I want.
I miss having fun.
I miss school.
I just miss it. 58 days. I. Can't. Effing. Wait.
I miss everything.
I miss my best friend.
I miss my boyfriend.
I miss the freedom.
I miss being busy.
I miss having plans.
I miss doing what I want.
I miss eating what I want.
I miss having fun.
I miss school.
I just miss it. 58 days. I. Can't. Effing. Wait.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Stop Thinking
I find that the days pass much easier if I just don't think. If I ignore any negative thoughts I might have, it helps things stay nice and calm. I know I won't always be able to do that but for now, it works.
74 days.
74 days.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Countdown (continued)
76 days.
My best friend is coming to visit tomorrow. I can't even explain the amount of excitement I am feeling right now. I find it incredible that we can be so far away and yet I still tell her more than I tell everyone combined here.
I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait.
My best friend is coming to visit tomorrow. I can't even explain the amount of excitement I am feeling right now. I find it incredible that we can be so far away and yet I still tell her more than I tell everyone combined here.
I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Beach
I love the beach. I want to go so bad all the time. Hey mom is going today. I can go with her.
JUST KIDDING! "Naomi can't come Lilly. She has to stay home and clean the house."
Well... okay then. Let's see how clean this house gets...
Thing is, I can't even be spiteful bc I know I will just do it. Damn the constant need to impress my parents. Will it never go away?
JUST KIDDING! "Naomi can't come Lilly. She has to stay home and clean the house."
Well... okay then. Let's see how clean this house gets...
Thing is, I can't even be spiteful bc I know I will just do it. Damn the constant need to impress my parents. Will it never go away?
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
2:50 a.m.
Here we are again. 2:50 am. and still awake. I just began the "I'm having some problems" conversation with him. The conversation was short and then was cut short by a lack of response from him. Maybe he fell asleep (it is late) but he never does that to me. Or he never did. The thing is, I can't help but know that if Ashley were the one going to him with her problems, he would drop everything (even me?) and rush to help her and talk to her until everything was better. Hell, he would drive all the way to North Providence, despite the early hour, and comfort her. I can't even get him to my house at 11 p.m.
He also said he wanted to hang out with me on one of my days off. I have two. One was today. One is tomorrow. He didn't talk to me at all today until around 3 p.m. and when I asked him to come to a dinner with me he said he already had plans. When I asked him to hang out with me tomorrow, he said he has plans to go to Boston and stay the night. All of the above is fine. But DON'T ASK ME TO HANG OUT IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT. I'm getting so frustrated! I get my hopes up for disappointment. I'd settle for "got my hopes up for nothing" over "got my hopes up for disappointment". I know I shouldn't be complaining because I do get to see him. I just want to see him during the day. I want to do things. I want to have fun. When we only hang out at night we just talk and bug each other about what we could do, settle on nothing, and then have sex. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it and I'm not saying we should cut down on that. I just wish we could do other things also.
I'm just at the point where my next step is to just explode at him and I would really rather not do that. Unfortunately, I don't think I can hold it in much longer.
He also said he wanted to hang out with me on one of my days off. I have two. One was today. One is tomorrow. He didn't talk to me at all today until around 3 p.m. and when I asked him to come to a dinner with me he said he already had plans. When I asked him to hang out with me tomorrow, he said he has plans to go to Boston and stay the night. All of the above is fine. But DON'T ASK ME TO HANG OUT IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT. I'm getting so frustrated! I get my hopes up for disappointment. I'd settle for "got my hopes up for nothing" over "got my hopes up for disappointment". I know I shouldn't be complaining because I do get to see him. I just want to see him during the day. I want to do things. I want to have fun. When we only hang out at night we just talk and bug each other about what we could do, settle on nothing, and then have sex. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it and I'm not saying we should cut down on that. I just wish we could do other things also.
I'm just at the point where my next step is to just explode at him and I would really rather not do that. Unfortunately, I don't think I can hold it in much longer.
Posts From Last Night
This was a post that I posted on Tumblr last night:
After endless nights of texting each other until the wee hours of the morning, my boyfriend stops today around 12:30 a.m. I told myself he fell asleep and that was the end of it. I was on Facebook until about 2 a.m. before I started to watch some shows online. I checked my Facebook again before bed, now about 3:45 a.m. and saw that I had received a ‘poke’ from him. Is it wrong to be a little suspicious? Because I am. It’s stupid maybe, but after multiple nights of texting until one of us falls asleep (usually me and usually around 4 a.m.) and adding in the fact that our conversation ended rather abruptly, I can’t help it. Damn this over thinking brain of mine!
Just Do It... Easier Said Than Done...
I just want to cry. I can't because it isn't time and my moral being won't let me. I try to ask myself why I want to cry right now and I feel so stupid for the answers I come up with. I know everything I want to say to him, but I can't seem to bring myself to say them. I have the argument over and over in my head. I know I'd win, not that I want it to be a fight. I want it to be a civil discussion, but even in my head it ends up escalating because I know he will see it as an attack on him and fight to defend himself, leading me to fight to prove my point. Either that or he will submit way too easily and I will be critical as to whethof nor not he actually heard me and will listen. In the past it was a combination of both and ended with a repeat a few weeks later, hence my feelings tonight. Maybe we just need to have a falling out to get everything out there and then see how things go from there. I think that between the two of us, a "falling out" wouldn't end badly. We've had too many of those to let them actually end the way "falling out" is meant to be defined as. We'll see. The more frustrated I get, the more confidence I build to just do it.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Yup.
So I have to know...
Is it wierd that I post things on Facebook in the hopes that he will "like" them or whatever? Yet, despite my efforts, he will give her the attention, but all contact with me goes through private messages...
Hm.
Is it wierd that I post things on Facebook in the hopes that he will "like" them or whatever? Yet, despite my efforts, he will give her the attention, but all contact with me goes through private messages...
Hm.
Another List
How do I feel today? The answer is probably... confused.
I have increasingly become less and less comfortable with him hanging out with Ashley this summer, and it's only been a few weeks. I find myself questioning things that one shouldn't question in a relationship. It confuses me because I have no reason to question these things and he has done absolutely nothing to warrant me to question them, but I do it anyway. I need to sort my feelings out... again.
I feel like a list will help me figure things out, so here goes:
1. He texts her all the time, even when we are together.
2. He hangs out with her a lot. A little too much for my liking.
3. She is having boyfriend problems.
4. She makes me feel like I'm an outsider when a group of us hangs out.
5. He was talking to her more because of her family problems.
6. It seems like an excuse to talk to her in front of me without any consequences. Granted things were messed up with her family, but the contact has seemed to intensify rather than taper off.
7. Doesn't she have other friends?
8. Me and her befriended him right around the same time.
9. I find myself comparing myself to her again. I hate that.
10. This is causing me to question whether I really love him or if I just want to win.
11. The above comment makes me feel so stupid because I know I love him. So much reminds me of that, but I overlook it all for stupid reasons. It takes something corny (like a sad, romantic movie) to remind me again.
12. I find myself questioning his feelings. Does he really love me? And if he does, how can he be sure? How can I be sure? What is it that he loves about me?
13. Is our relationship too sexual? I try to ease it up to find out, but unfortuately I want it just as bad, if not, worse than he does, so it makes it hard to tell. I'm not really worried about that, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind.
14. I want to go back to school so I can have him to myself again.
15. I finally got used to the idea of them talking and whatnot when we were at school. Then we came home and I got thrown way back to behind my previous starting point.
16. His friends like her a lot. They don't seem to have anything to say about me. Granted, I only know how they feel about her because they say it when she isn't around. I don't know what they say about me.
17. I can't help but feel like him and his friends say things about me behind my back that I wouldn't like.
18. I think too much.
19. This list is making me worry again.
20. I'm stopping now.
I just gave this piece of advice to a good friend: "Some people are here to let us know that we can still feel. Good or bad, they are helping us." Maybe I should listen to my own advice...
I have increasingly become less and less comfortable with him hanging out with Ashley this summer, and it's only been a few weeks. I find myself questioning things that one shouldn't question in a relationship. It confuses me because I have no reason to question these things and he has done absolutely nothing to warrant me to question them, but I do it anyway. I need to sort my feelings out... again.
I feel like a list will help me figure things out, so here goes:
1. He texts her all the time, even when we are together.
2. He hangs out with her a lot. A little too much for my liking.
3. She is having boyfriend problems.
4. She makes me feel like I'm an outsider when a group of us hangs out.
5. He was talking to her more because of her family problems.
6. It seems like an excuse to talk to her in front of me without any consequences. Granted things were messed up with her family, but the contact has seemed to intensify rather than taper off.
7. Doesn't she have other friends?
8. Me and her befriended him right around the same time.
9. I find myself comparing myself to her again. I hate that.
10. This is causing me to question whether I really love him or if I just want to win.
11. The above comment makes me feel so stupid because I know I love him. So much reminds me of that, but I overlook it all for stupid reasons. It takes something corny (like a sad, romantic movie) to remind me again.
12. I find myself questioning his feelings. Does he really love me? And if he does, how can he be sure? How can I be sure? What is it that he loves about me?
13. Is our relationship too sexual? I try to ease it up to find out, but unfortuately I want it just as bad, if not, worse than he does, so it makes it hard to tell. I'm not really worried about that, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind.
14. I want to go back to school so I can have him to myself again.
15. I finally got used to the idea of them talking and whatnot when we were at school. Then we came home and I got thrown way back to behind my previous starting point.
16. His friends like her a lot. They don't seem to have anything to say about me. Granted, I only know how they feel about her because they say it when she isn't around. I don't know what they say about me.
17. I can't help but feel like him and his friends say things about me behind my back that I wouldn't like.
18. I think too much.
19. This list is making me worry again.
20. I'm stopping now.
I just gave this piece of advice to a good friend: "Some people are here to let us know that we can still feel. Good or bad, they are helping us." Maybe I should listen to my own advice...
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Blemishes
I looked in the mirror and critiqued myself. Not in the "I'm fat. Wahhh!" kind of way but in a "what is actually wrong with me" kind of way. This is what I found:
1. I have a bunch of little baby hairs that like to stick straight up out of my head and never seem to grow out.
2. I have a bunch of new pimples, including one on the side of my lip that is extremely painful for a little pimple.
3. The burn on my tongue still hasn't gone away, probably because I keep picking at it with my teeth.
4. I have chest acne. Ew,
5. I have two hives on the underside of my right boob. More on my body than my boob actually. Damn stress.
6. I am itchy and starting to peel on my stomach from my sunburn.
7. My nails suck. I blame it on being home. I kept them real nice for school.
8. I have a huge painful bruise on my foot. For a bruise to remain on my body for this long, it had to have been hard. It still hurts to wear sneakers.
9. I have mosquito bites everywhere and consequently I have scabs everywhere from scratching them too hard for too long.
10. I have random bruises from everything on random parts of my body.
11. My right knee hurts from putting too much stress on it and from slipping in the kitchen at Bella.
12. My left shoulder hurts from what feels like a bruise but isn't visible from the outside. It's been a few days with the same kind of pain. Wierd.
13. My back kills.
Maybe this is complaining. I don't care. This is my safe haven. My own private complaint department. If you don't like it, don't read. Who am I kidding? I'm talking to myself...
1. I have a bunch of little baby hairs that like to stick straight up out of my head and never seem to grow out.
2. I have a bunch of new pimples, including one on the side of my lip that is extremely painful for a little pimple.
3. The burn on my tongue still hasn't gone away, probably because I keep picking at it with my teeth.
4. I have chest acne. Ew,
5. I have two hives on the underside of my right boob. More on my body than my boob actually. Damn stress.
6. I am itchy and starting to peel on my stomach from my sunburn.
7. My nails suck. I blame it on being home. I kept them real nice for school.
8. I have a huge painful bruise on my foot. For a bruise to remain on my body for this long, it had to have been hard. It still hurts to wear sneakers.
9. I have mosquito bites everywhere and consequently I have scabs everywhere from scratching them too hard for too long.
10. I have random bruises from everything on random parts of my body.
11. My right knee hurts from putting too much stress on it and from slipping in the kitchen at Bella.
12. My left shoulder hurts from what feels like a bruise but isn't visible from the outside. It's been a few days with the same kind of pain. Wierd.
13. My back kills.
Maybe this is complaining. I don't care. This is my safe haven. My own private complaint department. If you don't like it, don't read. Who am I kidding? I'm talking to myself...
Bad Day
I've realized today that I am naturally the strong person. Things bother me, but I push them aside to make other people happy. Someone once told me that doing that will only make it worse for myself in the long run. I brushed them off, telling myself that I've been doing it for so long that it wouldn't happen to me. Unfortunately, this person was right as lately I have started to find flaws in my plan. I am not as strong as I used to be. As much as I hate change, I have changed a lot, and my mental strength was one of the first things to go. Of course, I'm much too stubborn to ever admit that out loud, but that is the beauty of a blog. No one judges you.
Today was a bad day. Well, I guess it wasn't really a bad day, it was just one of those kind of days that puts you in a bad mood. Maybe not even that. It was a series of events that happened to me that put me in a bad mood but would only party bug any other person.
It started off okay. I managed to sleep in a little before being woken up by a loud toddler begging me to make her lunch though she had just finished her breakfast. I went downstairs to discover a note. It was a list of things to do while my mother was out. Quickly I realized that I was home alone with Lilly and was expected to babysit. (Place a tally mark on the bad day side.) I didn't let it bother me too much; this isn't the first time I've been left alone to babysit before I even knew I had to do it.
It happens to be my dad's birthday, so when my mom got home, her, Lilly, and I all went out to pick up some stuff for his birthday. On the ride, we got into a little argument. She told me that I should have studied more in high school so that I could be top of my class. If I were top of my class, I could get more scholarships. If I got more scholarships, I wouldn't owe as much money. If I had gone to RIC, I could have gone for a lot cheaper. If I were this or if I were that, I would be so much better than the person I am now. Guess what mom? I actually like how my life turned out.
I studied as much as I could in high school while still keeping up with my sports (which i was fairly successful in, thank you very much) and clubs and community service (which got me little to nothing besides moral growth). I had a job on top of it all and babysat all of the kids whenever I was asked. I kept to my curfew (which I never broke). I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. I rarely got to hang out with friends for social reasons, not school reasons. And I never complained.
Class rank barely mattered. A white, middle class girl with both parents won't get any money, no matter what her class rank is. If I had gone to RIC, yeah obviously it would have been cheaper. You know what would have been even cheaper than that? CCRI. Is this seriously coming from the same woman who told me she didn't want me to go to URI because I had always dreamed of going to school in Boston of New York? What happened to that support?
Our conversation drifted to talk of money and how I really don't have any. In an effort to change this, I managed to get three jobs this summer. I am currently working two of them and I start training for the third in a couple of weeks. I make a pretty good chunk of change at one and I just got promoted at the other. Right now I am trying to figure out how I can keep all three and still have some kind of life over the summer. I am willing to give up the life part if I can get all of the jobs to get on a schedule where they don't conflict.
The conversation took a turn for the worse when my mom told me that I wasn't working enough. I need to get another job. According to her, if I'm home, I could be working. Let's count the problems here. 1. I do not have a car. 2. They will not let me use their cars. 3. They get pissed when they have to drive me to work. 4. They refuse to help me purchase a car despite the promise that I will pay them back as soon as I get the money from the three jobs I currently hold. 5. I'm just plain not good enough for them anymore. It seems to be the truth lately.
I'm not in high school anymore. I don't get the same grades (ignoring the fact that I am top of my classes, despite the fact that I don't get an A). I don't do sports, so I am not good at anything althletic in their eyes anymore. I only inconvenience them now that I'm home. I just can't please them. God knows I try, and I will never stop. I hate making them upset or doing things that will disappoint them. That's why it hurts so bad when I give my parents things I'm proud of to show them my progress or whatever the case may be, and the response I get from my mom is "you know (insert name here) could've done a much better job...?" Time to get to the grind and try harder I guess.
I've done my best not to argue with anyone while I'm home. I don't want to cause trouble. It's just getting hard when people try to push my buttons to get a reaction. Unfortunately, it's working. I'm not keen on being slapped across the facee by my brother. As a sixteen (or close enough to sixteen) year old boy, you figure he would understand chivalry, or at least know that hitting a girl is wrong. I don't see how he gets off doing it with no consequence. It's everything I have in me not to give it right back tenfold. In my family, this is considered showing weakness, so even not fighting back is working against me. My mom says I don't fight back because I know I will lose. The truth? I don't fight back because I don't want her to complain to me about the hospital bills she will have to pay when Dan gets rushed away in an ambulance.
Lack of strength isn't the only thing my mom finds wrong with me physically. According to her I am thick around the thighs, my feet are ugly, my boobs are too big, my nose it long and pointy, I have too much acne, my teeth are looking a little yellow, my arms are flabby, and I need to "work on your abs so you can at least have that for a beach bod". Well, gee mom, anything else? Wait, yes there is. I should shower more often because my body has a tendency to overheat when I work and when I overheat, I sweat and when I sweat, I smell. But get another job right? Right...
So continuing on my bad day:
The rest isn't so bad. The Bruins lost. I couldn't even watch them lose because I was at work. The banquet I was working was the senior class supper for Mount. I have never not missed high school so much. The entire class was a bunch of snot-nosed, stuck-up pricks who only care about themselves. I asked a girl to move her chair in because Staci was going to be walking by with a huge tray of dirty dishes. All she heard was me ask her to move and her remark was "what are you fat? *eye roll*" Really? Push your fucking chair in and let me do my job, bitch. To an outsider, this small event seems trivial, something easy to just brush off and ignore. To me and my fellow co-workers, this happened all night and by this point we were all on edge.
I have been working for two weeks now at two different jobs. However, I have received NO paycheck. Not a single one. My bank account holds a negative figure so money is becoming a huge necessity. I also owe people money and a negative figure is not promising for them. I have already bugged both bosses for checks and both said "on Friday". Now I wonder what they will say to me when Friday comes around.
I can't go to the beach tomorrow like I planned because I got called into work. This is half good, half bad. it's half good because I get more practice waitressing and make some good money (in theory). It's bad because I am not going to have much time to go to the beach this summer because of all my jobs and the waves would have been amazing tomorrow because of a storm we just had. Oh well.
On top of this, I have a lot of relationship issues that I need to deal with. "Relationship issues" isn't the right term, I just don't know how else to put it. There are just too many things that bother me that it is just time to spill about. It's high time he knew. But I've written too much. Stay tuned.
Today was a bad day. Well, I guess it wasn't really a bad day, it was just one of those kind of days that puts you in a bad mood. Maybe not even that. It was a series of events that happened to me that put me in a bad mood but would only party bug any other person.
It started off okay. I managed to sleep in a little before being woken up by a loud toddler begging me to make her lunch though she had just finished her breakfast. I went downstairs to discover a note. It was a list of things to do while my mother was out. Quickly I realized that I was home alone with Lilly and was expected to babysit. (Place a tally mark on the bad day side.) I didn't let it bother me too much; this isn't the first time I've been left alone to babysit before I even knew I had to do it.
It happens to be my dad's birthday, so when my mom got home, her, Lilly, and I all went out to pick up some stuff for his birthday. On the ride, we got into a little argument. She told me that I should have studied more in high school so that I could be top of my class. If I were top of my class, I could get more scholarships. If I got more scholarships, I wouldn't owe as much money. If I had gone to RIC, I could have gone for a lot cheaper. If I were this or if I were that, I would be so much better than the person I am now. Guess what mom? I actually like how my life turned out.
I studied as much as I could in high school while still keeping up with my sports (which i was fairly successful in, thank you very much) and clubs and community service (which got me little to nothing besides moral growth). I had a job on top of it all and babysat all of the kids whenever I was asked. I kept to my curfew (which I never broke). I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. I rarely got to hang out with friends for social reasons, not school reasons. And I never complained.
Class rank barely mattered. A white, middle class girl with both parents won't get any money, no matter what her class rank is. If I had gone to RIC, yeah obviously it would have been cheaper. You know what would have been even cheaper than that? CCRI. Is this seriously coming from the same woman who told me she didn't want me to go to URI because I had always dreamed of going to school in Boston of New York? What happened to that support?
Our conversation drifted to talk of money and how I really don't have any. In an effort to change this, I managed to get three jobs this summer. I am currently working two of them and I start training for the third in a couple of weeks. I make a pretty good chunk of change at one and I just got promoted at the other. Right now I am trying to figure out how I can keep all three and still have some kind of life over the summer. I am willing to give up the life part if I can get all of the jobs to get on a schedule where they don't conflict.
The conversation took a turn for the worse when my mom told me that I wasn't working enough. I need to get another job. According to her, if I'm home, I could be working. Let's count the problems here. 1. I do not have a car. 2. They will not let me use their cars. 3. They get pissed when they have to drive me to work. 4. They refuse to help me purchase a car despite the promise that I will pay them back as soon as I get the money from the three jobs I currently hold. 5. I'm just plain not good enough for them anymore. It seems to be the truth lately.
I'm not in high school anymore. I don't get the same grades (ignoring the fact that I am top of my classes, despite the fact that I don't get an A). I don't do sports, so I am not good at anything althletic in their eyes anymore. I only inconvenience them now that I'm home. I just can't please them. God knows I try, and I will never stop. I hate making them upset or doing things that will disappoint them. That's why it hurts so bad when I give my parents things I'm proud of to show them my progress or whatever the case may be, and the response I get from my mom is "you know (insert name here) could've done a much better job...?" Time to get to the grind and try harder I guess.
I've done my best not to argue with anyone while I'm home. I don't want to cause trouble. It's just getting hard when people try to push my buttons to get a reaction. Unfortunately, it's working. I'm not keen on being slapped across the facee by my brother. As a sixteen (or close enough to sixteen) year old boy, you figure he would understand chivalry, or at least know that hitting a girl is wrong. I don't see how he gets off doing it with no consequence. It's everything I have in me not to give it right back tenfold. In my family, this is considered showing weakness, so even not fighting back is working against me. My mom says I don't fight back because I know I will lose. The truth? I don't fight back because I don't want her to complain to me about the hospital bills she will have to pay when Dan gets rushed away in an ambulance.
Lack of strength isn't the only thing my mom finds wrong with me physically. According to her I am thick around the thighs, my feet are ugly, my boobs are too big, my nose it long and pointy, I have too much acne, my teeth are looking a little yellow, my arms are flabby, and I need to "work on your abs so you can at least have that for a beach bod". Well, gee mom, anything else? Wait, yes there is. I should shower more often because my body has a tendency to overheat when I work and when I overheat, I sweat and when I sweat, I smell. But get another job right? Right...
So continuing on my bad day:
The rest isn't so bad. The Bruins lost. I couldn't even watch them lose because I was at work. The banquet I was working was the senior class supper for Mount. I have never not missed high school so much. The entire class was a bunch of snot-nosed, stuck-up pricks who only care about themselves. I asked a girl to move her chair in because Staci was going to be walking by with a huge tray of dirty dishes. All she heard was me ask her to move and her remark was "what are you fat? *eye roll*" Really? Push your fucking chair in and let me do my job, bitch. To an outsider, this small event seems trivial, something easy to just brush off and ignore. To me and my fellow co-workers, this happened all night and by this point we were all on edge.
I have been working for two weeks now at two different jobs. However, I have received NO paycheck. Not a single one. My bank account holds a negative figure so money is becoming a huge necessity. I also owe people money and a negative figure is not promising for them. I have already bugged both bosses for checks and both said "on Friday". Now I wonder what they will say to me when Friday comes around.
I can't go to the beach tomorrow like I planned because I got called into work. This is half good, half bad. it's half good because I get more practice waitressing and make some good money (in theory). It's bad because I am not going to have much time to go to the beach this summer because of all my jobs and the waves would have been amazing tomorrow because of a storm we just had. Oh well.
On top of this, I have a lot of relationship issues that I need to deal with. "Relationship issues" isn't the right term, I just don't know how else to put it. There are just too many things that bother me that it is just time to spill about. It's high time he knew. But I've written too much. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
June 1st
I wonder if he knows what today is. I wonder if he ever thinks about it like I do. I suppose not, and I don't blame him. He has been in numerous long term relationships. It's just strange for me to be so comfortable with someone. I've never made it this far in a relationship. Sad to say that this day, five months, is a milestone for me.Oh well, it is what it is, and what it is, is good.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Epiphany
I figured it out. It's not her. It's the way he acts when it comes to her. Actions, words, thoughts... everything. That's what bothers me. That's why it hurts so bad.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
My Own Fault
It won't stop. Every time I see or hear him texting, I am only going to think he is texting her. It's already starting. And I know. He has friends, but all I will think of is her. And if it isn't her, maybe it's the ex. It's my own fault. I told him to befriend her. Or did I? Maybe I just want to understand why they weren't friends. Curiosity maybe? I don't know. Maybe it's a fear of what could happen to us if, god forbid, anything should happen between us. It's legitimate dint? And again, I'm back to "I just need someone to agree with me".
I can hear him texting right now. I can feel the tears welling up. Don't let him see you cry again Naomi, not again.
I can hear him texting right now. I can feel the tears welling up. Don't let him see you cry again Naomi, not again.
Tired of Being This Way
Okay, so she is having family issues. I can understand that. I really can. I have helped so many friends get though family (or close enough to be family) problems. I just hate that he felt like he had to ask. I don't want to be that girlfriend, but at the same time, I'm glad that he did. Well, kind of. It's hard to explain even to myself. I'm glad he asked but I've never felt so stupid after the reason was revealed. I don't want to be this jealous and I honestly don't know why I am. I know nothing will happen, I just can't let it go. And I know that even though he is just "being there" for her, I still won't like it. Maybe he is just "getting her mind off of it" but it will still bother me. And THAT bothers me.
I think I'm also bothered because I don't want to be just "another issue on his plate". I hate myself for crying last night. I want to say it's because I feel bad that he has to deal with this from two girls, but I can't because then I feel like I'm not being fair to myself. I understand his situation because if I had to choose between my boyfriend and my best friend, I would have a he'll of a hard time and I would try to do both as best I can. But he can't just brush off my problem. If it were school related or drama related maybe, but this is a serious problem and he I making me feel like it's not important. I came to the realization last night that I am terrified. I don't even what to be thinking about half of the things I'm thinking about now and just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Thinking about how he is handling this with me/for me wants me want to cry even more.
When I first told him, I felt bad. It's big news. But he never even asked how I was. Or he did, but not until it was obvious that something was wrong. Last night, I went to bed before him and started crying. When he came to bed, he told me to stop crying because he had to get up early the next day. I've never wanted to just leave the room so badly. I understand she is having family problems, but this is BOTh of our problem and the fact that he barely seems to care unless I am blatantly upset about it cuts me so deep.
I play the strong girl who doesn't let much get to her. But I'm sick of being strong. I want someone to be strong for me. I want someone to tell me it's going to be okay. I want someone to just... be there. Is it wrong for me to want that someone to be him? Is it selfish to want his attention at this point? Am I a terrible person for wishing she hadn't chosen him to vent to, at least right now?
I think I'm also bothered because I don't want to be just "another issue on his plate". I hate myself for crying last night. I want to say it's because I feel bad that he has to deal with this from two girls, but I can't because then I feel like I'm not being fair to myself. I understand his situation because if I had to choose between my boyfriend and my best friend, I would have a he'll of a hard time and I would try to do both as best I can. But he can't just brush off my problem. If it were school related or drama related maybe, but this is a serious problem and he I making me feel like it's not important. I came to the realization last night that I am terrified. I don't even what to be thinking about half of the things I'm thinking about now and just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Thinking about how he is handling this with me/for me wants me want to cry even more.
When I first told him, I felt bad. It's big news. But he never even asked how I was. Or he did, but not until it was obvious that something was wrong. Last night, I went to bed before him and started crying. When he came to bed, he told me to stop crying because he had to get up early the next day. I've never wanted to just leave the room so badly. I understand she is having family problems, but this is BOTh of our problem and the fact that he barely seems to care unless I am blatantly upset about it cuts me so deep.
I play the strong girl who doesn't let much get to her. But I'm sick of being strong. I want someone to be strong for me. I want someone to tell me it's going to be okay. I want someone to just... be there. Is it wrong for me to want that someone to be him? Is it selfish to want his attention at this point? Am I a terrible person for wishing she hadn't chosen him to vent to, at least right now?
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Stress - Take Two
So I took the list from a few days ago and I am updating it, probably adding more specifics. I just wanted to try and figure out what is wrong with me. Here goes...
1. Finals are this week.
2. I really, really, really need to do well on my last final for RLS 111. Not an option.
3. I am falling behind in CHM 103.
4. I need sleep but I can't fall asleep before 2 a.m. and I can't stay asleep past 10 a.m.
5. My period is really late... again. (Could be caused by stress?)
6. I have to move out next Saturday.
7. I have to begin packing the rest of everything soon.
8. I have to call a woman back to say we aren't interested in her hosue after we already said we'd sign the lease.
9. Dealing with houses is killing me.
10. Why did my on-campus housing get screwed up anyway? Damn system...
11. My eating habits are way off lately.
12. I have no money to my name.
13. I am fighting with my boyfriend again.
14. I am trying to keep a friendship going.
15. My best friend is due to have her baby soon. Any day now...
16. I need a job for the summer/next school year.
17. I legitimately can NOT find one.
18. How am I going to live off campus without a car?
19. Ashley Comstock. Get her out of my head please.
20. Why does she have to visit now? As if summer wasn't close enough...
21. I don't want to drop ZTA.
22. I don't have a choice.
23. I have to move back home.
24. Alex has a serious learning disability.
25. Kathleen trashed my room.
26. Daniel is not responsible enough to care for himself let alone the other kids.
27. Lilly is uncontrollable.
28. My mom doesn't have the same rules as when I was living at home.
29. My dad seems to be avoiding me.
30. My face/body is breaking out in acne/hives.
31. I'm self-conscious enough as it is, body blemishes aren't helping.
32. I am the advice-giver for my friends.
33. I worry about giving bad advice or leading them in the wrong direction.
34. I worry about horrible secrets getting out.
35. I worry about venting to people for fear of it getting out.
36. I worry about venting to the same few people for fear of driving them away.
37. Abortions freak me out.
38. I hate not getting grades I want when I try so hard.
39. I hate not knowing if I'm being judged or not.
40. I hate secrets.
41. I don't like confrontation.
42. I hate feeling like the third-wheel when the actual third-wheel steps in and bumps you to the side.
43. I get cramps that mean nothing. Pain for no reason at all. Perhaps punishment.
44. I hope we get the house we've been talking about signing for. I can't take disappointment for a third time regarding this.
45. Ex-girlfriends that come back into the picture are only reasons to be jealous even more.
46. Why can't he tell me why they broke up? What could it possibly have been?
Stand by for updates. I'm sure this list will grow and shrink. They way things are looking, I'd assume growth will occur before shrinkage.
1. Finals are this week.
2. I really, really, really need to do well on my last final for RLS 111. Not an option.
3. I am falling behind in CHM 103.
4. I need sleep but I can't fall asleep before 2 a.m. and I can't stay asleep past 10 a.m.
5. My period is really late... again. (Could be caused by stress?)
6. I have to move out next Saturday.
7. I have to begin packing the rest of everything soon.
8. I have to call a woman back to say we aren't interested in her hosue after we already said we'd sign the lease.
9. Dealing with houses is killing me.
10. Why did my on-campus housing get screwed up anyway? Damn system...
11. My eating habits are way off lately.
12. I have no money to my name.
13. I am fighting with my boyfriend again.
14. I am trying to keep a friendship going.
15. My best friend is due to have her baby soon. Any day now...
16. I need a job for the summer/next school year.
17. I legitimately can NOT find one.
18. How am I going to live off campus without a car?
19. Ashley Comstock. Get her out of my head please.
20. Why does she have to visit now? As if summer wasn't close enough...
21. I don't want to drop ZTA.
22. I don't have a choice.
23. I have to move back home.
24. Alex has a serious learning disability.
25. Kathleen trashed my room.
26. Daniel is not responsible enough to care for himself let alone the other kids.
27. Lilly is uncontrollable.
28. My mom doesn't have the same rules as when I was living at home.
29. My dad seems to be avoiding me.
30. My face/body is breaking out in acne/hives.
31. I'm self-conscious enough as it is, body blemishes aren't helping.
32. I am the advice-giver for my friends.
33. I worry about giving bad advice or leading them in the wrong direction.
34. I worry about horrible secrets getting out.
35. I worry about venting to people for fear of it getting out.
36. I worry about venting to the same few people for fear of driving them away.
37. Abortions freak me out.
38. I hate not getting grades I want when I try so hard.
39. I hate not knowing if I'm being judged or not.
40. I hate secrets.
41. I don't like confrontation.
42. I hate feeling like the third-wheel when the actual third-wheel steps in and bumps you to the side.
43. I get cramps that mean nothing. Pain for no reason at all. Perhaps punishment.
44. I hope we get the house we've been talking about signing for. I can't take disappointment for a third time regarding this.
45. Ex-girlfriends that come back into the picture are only reasons to be jealous even more.
46. Why can't he tell me why they broke up? What could it possibly have been?
Stand by for updates. I'm sure this list will grow and shrink. They way things are looking, I'd assume growth will occur before shrinkage.
Worries: Scare or "Other"?
So here we are again. In a scare.
This time it is much more intense than the first time. This time I told him about it. This time I am much more upset.
Why?
I realized at the end of our conversation that the entire time, I was concerned about him. I felt bad because he didn't feel good with exam this morning. I felt bad telling him the bad news right after. I felt bad that he didn't get his internship. I felt bad that his ex-girlfriend texted him. I felt bad.... but why?
I asked if he was okay with everything multiple times. I asked how he was and how he was doing. I inquired about his recent happenings. Not once did he ask how I was. How I was handling it. How I would be considering the options. When I realized that, I broke down. It was too much.
Why was it too much?
Ashley is coming down to visit again. Because apparently four more days until summer was too long to wait to hang out. All he ever does when she comes down is throw her a party, yet on my own birthday he guilts me out of drinking because he doesn't feel like it.
The other problem I have with them partying is that he feels like drinking will fix everything. If he is stressed, he will drink. Why?? I can guarantee you your problems will still be there in the morning. Maybe it bothers me because it is a sign of alcoholism, small as the sign may be. I have had problems with alcoholism in my family so it gets to be a tender topic. He is only 20. How bad will this problem get when he can legally drink? God knows what will happen, and it scares me to think about.
Does it bother me that even though I have all my own stuff going on to worry about, all I can think about is him? Yes. It really does. But I can't help it.
This time it is much more intense than the first time. This time I told him about it. This time I am much more upset.
Why?
I realized at the end of our conversation that the entire time, I was concerned about him. I felt bad because he didn't feel good with exam this morning. I felt bad telling him the bad news right after. I felt bad that he didn't get his internship. I felt bad that his ex-girlfriend texted him. I felt bad.... but why?
I asked if he was okay with everything multiple times. I asked how he was and how he was doing. I inquired about his recent happenings. Not once did he ask how I was. How I was handling it. How I would be considering the options. When I realized that, I broke down. It was too much.
Why was it too much?
Ashley is coming down to visit again. Because apparently four more days until summer was too long to wait to hang out. All he ever does when she comes down is throw her a party, yet on my own birthday he guilts me out of drinking because he doesn't feel like it.
The other problem I have with them partying is that he feels like drinking will fix everything. If he is stressed, he will drink. Why?? I can guarantee you your problems will still be there in the morning. Maybe it bothers me because it is a sign of alcoholism, small as the sign may be. I have had problems with alcoholism in my family so it gets to be a tender topic. He is only 20. How bad will this problem get when he can legally drink? God knows what will happen, and it scares me to think about.
Does it bother me that even though I have all my own stuff going on to worry about, all I can think about is him? Yes. It really does. But I can't help it.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Texts
"I love everything about you naomi. I really really do. I think about how perfect you are for me every day"
I hear it. I see it. I read it.
Why don't I believe it?
Maybe he does. Maybe it feels good.
But I don't believe it.
Maybe I need to get over the fact that he probably said these words to someone else.
Maybe more than one someone.
It still makes me smile.
I hear it. I see it. I read it.
Why don't I believe it?
Maybe he does. Maybe it feels good.
But I don't believe it.
Maybe I need to get over the fact that he probably said these words to someone else.
Maybe more than one someone.
It still makes me smile.
Does it matter...
Does it even matter that she is coming? Does it matter that summer is less than a week away? Does it matter that she could have waited but isn't? Does it matter that he knows how I feel about her? Does it matter that he never mentions that she is coming when they plan visits? Does it matter that I hate every aspect of that fact? Does anything matter? Does it ever matter? Do I matter?
Note to Self
Note to self:
Watch this every day, as you have been.
It will remind you of everything you have ever wanted.
Never lose sight of the vision that you've had for years.
Get there.
Be happy.
Be you.
http://youtu.be/0rbMHLDY1pA
Watch this every day, as you have been.
It will remind you of everything you have ever wanted.
Never lose sight of the vision that you've had for years.
Get there.
Be happy.
Be you.
http://youtu.be/0rbMHLDY1pA
Ex
Can we go one day without mention of an ex-girlfriend? I'm trying to remember a day where one didn't come up. Why is it so hard for me to think of a day? Are they always on your mind? Do you enjoy reminding me that you have been in love before?
Accuse me of trying to hurt you? Check yourself every day honey. Who is in more pain now?
Accuse me of trying to hurt you? Check yourself every day honey. Who is in more pain now?
Stress
Stress.
What a term.
Why am I stressed?
Let's make a list.
1. Finals are this week.
2. I really, really, really need to do well on my last final for RLS 111. Not an option.
3. I need sleep but I can't fall asleep before 2 a.m. and I can't stay asleep past 10 a.m.
4. My period is late... again. (Could be caused by stress?)
5. I have to move out next Saturday.
6. I have to begin packing soon.
7. I have to view three houses on Saturday with a girl I've never met before.
8. I don't know if I will like this girl.
9. Searching for houses to live in is not going so well.
10. Why did my on-campus housing get screwed up anyway? Damn system...
11. My eating habits are way off lately.
12. I have no money to my name.
13. I am fighting with my boyfriend again.
14. I am trying to keep a friendship going.
15. My best friend is due to have her baby soon. Any day now...
16. I need a job for the summer/next school year.
17. I legitimately can NOT find one.
18. How am I going to live off campus without a car?
19. Ashley Comstock. Get her out of my head please.
20. I don't want to drop ZTA.
21. I don't have a choice.
22. I have to move back home.
23. Alex has a serious learning disability.
24. Kathleen trashed my room.
25. Daniel is not responsible enough to care for himself let alone the other kids.
26. Lilly is uncontrollable.
27. My mom doesn't have the same rules as when I was living at home.
28. My dad seems to be avoiding me.
29. My face/body is breaking out in acne/hives.
30. I'm self-conscious enough as it is, body blemishes aren't helping.
31. I am the advice-giver for my friends.
32. I worry about giving bad advice or leading them in the wrong direction.
33. I worry about horrible secrets getting out.
34. I worry about venting to people for fear of it getting out.
35. I worry about venting to the same few people for fear of driving them away.
36. I am concerned about the length of this list...
What a term.
Why am I stressed?
Let's make a list.
1. Finals are this week.
2. I really, really, really need to do well on my last final for RLS 111. Not an option.
3. I need sleep but I can't fall asleep before 2 a.m. and I can't stay asleep past 10 a.m.
4. My period is late... again. (Could be caused by stress?)
5. I have to move out next Saturday.
6. I have to begin packing soon.
7. I have to view three houses on Saturday with a girl I've never met before.
8. I don't know if I will like this girl.
9. Searching for houses to live in is not going so well.
10. Why did my on-campus housing get screwed up anyway? Damn system...
11. My eating habits are way off lately.
12. I have no money to my name.
13. I am fighting with my boyfriend again.
14. I am trying to keep a friendship going.
15. My best friend is due to have her baby soon. Any day now...
16. I need a job for the summer/next school year.
17. I legitimately can NOT find one.
18. How am I going to live off campus without a car?
19. Ashley Comstock. Get her out of my head please.
20. I don't want to drop ZTA.
21. I don't have a choice.
22. I have to move back home.
23. Alex has a serious learning disability.
24. Kathleen trashed my room.
25. Daniel is not responsible enough to care for himself let alone the other kids.
26. Lilly is uncontrollable.
27. My mom doesn't have the same rules as when I was living at home.
28. My dad seems to be avoiding me.
29. My face/body is breaking out in acne/hives.
30. I'm self-conscious enough as it is, body blemishes aren't helping.
31. I am the advice-giver for my friends.
32. I worry about giving bad advice or leading them in the wrong direction.
33. I worry about horrible secrets getting out.
34. I worry about venting to people for fear of it getting out.
35. I worry about venting to the same few people for fear of driving them away.
36. I am concerned about the length of this list...
All It Takes
Five days ago, a record was broken.
Nothing too special and nothing that I should even be celebrating, but it was an anniversary. Four months dating the same person. Granted we've been "together" for over a year, it's what is "official" that counts.
It is record breaking because, sad as it is, I have never been in a relationship for longer than three months.
This is a big deal for me because it means I am making a commitment. For someone who has been afraid of commitment for so long, it's almost scary to be here now. I know what people feel by this point and I know what I've felt in the past by this point. I know that what I'm feeling now is something I've never felt before. this could be both good and bad.
It is bad because it has turned me into a jealous person. I've always been the one being chased, I've never been the chaser. Perhaps this is where I've gone wrong in the past and perhaps I'm taking it too far now, but this is what it is. While I am a jealous person, I'm not unreasonable (in my own eyes anyway) and I find myself holding back often, venting to close friends when appropriate, but otherwise keeping to myself.
It is bad because lately I have been feeling a lot of pain. Not physical pain but pain in the mental and emotional sense. I just want to be appreicated and sometimes I'm not so sure he understands that. I'm not the kind of person who craves attention and compliments all the time. I just miss the sweet guy who used to notice the little things. It hit me hard the other night when I tried extra hard to impress him during my formal and still came up short. I knew I looked nice, but not because he told me. My friend's boyfriend complimented me. I got nothing from my own. Maybe I am overanalyzing and I tell myself I am, but I can't help but keep things like that in the back of my head.
It is bad because I know that worst case scenario, I will get hurt. At this point, nothing can happen without pain on both ends. The thought of anything happening between us makes me sick, literally. My stomach clenches and my throat closes. But when we fight I can't help but be terrified of the worst happening. It's always what has come to me before. His past is to close up and let his girlfriend win. My past is to ditch the problem. Together we are too stubborn to solve our problems. It scares me thinking about what this could eventually lead to.
It is bad because I think about him too much. I can't go an hour without thinking about him. Obsessive? Maybe, but I don't think so. I think it is something else. I wouldn't call it love, though I do love him. I can't explain it. He is always on my mind, but it isn't always good. Sometimes I fear I am that obsessive girlfriend everyone hates. Sometimes I just want to ask him where he is or who he's with or what he's doing at that very moment. But I am terrified that he will think I don't trust him. Besides that, who am I to know all that information? No one.
It is bad because I tell him everything. I've shown him a side of me that no one has ever seen. I've given him a piece of me that I can't get back. I've given him free access to everything I have, everything I am, everything I think. I can't imagine what he could do to me or my reputation with that kind of information. I just don't know what I'd do.
It is bad. It is all bad. But it isn't. Every one of these points is why it's so good. I'm jealous because I care. I try because his thoughts are important to me. I'm in fear of pain because what we have is real. I think about him so much because I can't get the man I love out of my mind. I tell him everything because I truly trust him.
I don't know if I can handle this and yet I know that everything will be okay. I know this because tomorrow I will see him. And that's all it takes.
Nothing too special and nothing that I should even be celebrating, but it was an anniversary. Four months dating the same person. Granted we've been "together" for over a year, it's what is "official" that counts.
It is record breaking because, sad as it is, I have never been in a relationship for longer than three months.
This is a big deal for me because it means I am making a commitment. For someone who has been afraid of commitment for so long, it's almost scary to be here now. I know what people feel by this point and I know what I've felt in the past by this point. I know that what I'm feeling now is something I've never felt before. this could be both good and bad.
It is bad because it has turned me into a jealous person. I've always been the one being chased, I've never been the chaser. Perhaps this is where I've gone wrong in the past and perhaps I'm taking it too far now, but this is what it is. While I am a jealous person, I'm not unreasonable (in my own eyes anyway) and I find myself holding back often, venting to close friends when appropriate, but otherwise keeping to myself.
It is bad because lately I have been feeling a lot of pain. Not physical pain but pain in the mental and emotional sense. I just want to be appreicated and sometimes I'm not so sure he understands that. I'm not the kind of person who craves attention and compliments all the time. I just miss the sweet guy who used to notice the little things. It hit me hard the other night when I tried extra hard to impress him during my formal and still came up short. I knew I looked nice, but not because he told me. My friend's boyfriend complimented me. I got nothing from my own. Maybe I am overanalyzing and I tell myself I am, but I can't help but keep things like that in the back of my head.
It is bad because I know that worst case scenario, I will get hurt. At this point, nothing can happen without pain on both ends. The thought of anything happening between us makes me sick, literally. My stomach clenches and my throat closes. But when we fight I can't help but be terrified of the worst happening. It's always what has come to me before. His past is to close up and let his girlfriend win. My past is to ditch the problem. Together we are too stubborn to solve our problems. It scares me thinking about what this could eventually lead to.
It is bad because I think about him too much. I can't go an hour without thinking about him. Obsessive? Maybe, but I don't think so. I think it is something else. I wouldn't call it love, though I do love him. I can't explain it. He is always on my mind, but it isn't always good. Sometimes I fear I am that obsessive girlfriend everyone hates. Sometimes I just want to ask him where he is or who he's with or what he's doing at that very moment. But I am terrified that he will think I don't trust him. Besides that, who am I to know all that information? No one.
It is bad because I tell him everything. I've shown him a side of me that no one has ever seen. I've given him a piece of me that I can't get back. I've given him free access to everything I have, everything I am, everything I think. I can't imagine what he could do to me or my reputation with that kind of information. I just don't know what I'd do.
It is bad. It is all bad. But it isn't. Every one of these points is why it's so good. I'm jealous because I care. I try because his thoughts are important to me. I'm in fear of pain because what we have is real. I think about him so much because I can't get the man I love out of my mind. I tell him everything because I truly trust him.
I don't know if I can handle this and yet I know that everything will be okay. I know this because tomorrow I will see him. And that's all it takes.
Love?
What is love?
Can it even be defined?
Does it matter what it is if two people think it's two different things?
He's an engineer. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
If that's the case, is anyone ever meant to be?
If no one is meant to be, then why are they?
I guess that's what love is.
The power to overcome that what pushes us away.
Can it even be defined?
Does it matter what it is if two people think it's two different things?
He's an engineer. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
If that's the case, is anyone ever meant to be?
If no one is meant to be, then why are they?
I guess that's what love is.
The power to overcome that what pushes us away.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
True Happiness
You knows it's true happiness when everything fades except your partner and the music you are swaying to. Your cheeks hurts from your smile, but you keep smiling anyway because that is your bodies natural instinct. You know in the back of your mind that your feet hurt, but you dance anyway knowing this may be your only chance. You glance up and see his shiney eyes staring back at you. The same smile that is glued to your face is flashed across his own. Every so often he shakes his head. He won't tell you why, but secretly you know what he is thinking. You tried so hard to look nice for him and with that little shake of the head, you know you succeeded. he isn't a publicly affectionate person, but he surprises you often with quick pecks. His soft lips touch you for a split second, on the forehead, on the cheek, on the lips. His voice is soft, but you can hear him singing along with the music, every once in a while leaning down to whisper a lyric in your ear, at least that's how it seems.
Someone bumps into your back. The peace shatters. You're back on the dancefloor with a hundred people. They laugh and fall and dance they're drunk asses off. It finally hits you that the DJ isn't that great. There was no dessert served after dinner- odd. Your date doesn't like the group of people you came with. The way people are acting is embarrassing to you. You suddenly feel insecure and self-conscious.
Then you look up and see his eyes staring back into yours. All of a sudden, the room fades away and the smile returns to your face. True happiness.
Someone bumps into your back. The peace shatters. You're back on the dancefloor with a hundred people. They laugh and fall and dance they're drunk asses off. It finally hits you that the DJ isn't that great. There was no dessert served after dinner- odd. Your date doesn't like the group of people you came with. The way people are acting is embarrassing to you. You suddenly feel insecure and self-conscious.
Then you look up and see his eyes staring back into yours. All of a sudden, the room fades away and the smile returns to your face. True happiness.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Always looking forward.... to next year!!!
It's true what they say: once you taste the forbidden fruit, it's all you crave.
Well I've tasted freedom and, boy, is it sweet!
Since I have arrived at college I have enjoyed the wonderful joy that is freedom. I can do what I want, when I want, however I want. I don't have to answer to anyone but myself. Granted I have to take responsibilty for myself, but when you've grown up being responsible for everything, it kind of takes care of itself. As my first year of college draws to a close, I found myself wondering what the next step was for me. Of course I enjoyed everything Ihad this year. I wouldn't trade it for anything. In fact, I'd even do it again. But why repeat what I had, when I could have better?
In this case, "better" comes in the form of a house. YEP! A real house. That I have to pay rent for. A house to clean and care for, to cook in and eat in, to relax in and party in, to study in and focus in. The benefits are endless. What's better? If all goes well, I could be across the street from the beach. As in THE OCEAN. This is looking like it might be the start of an incredible future for me.
Of course it's not all fun and games. There are flaws in the "perfect" plan. For one, "if all goes well" does not include a washer or drier. We may be in the tub with a washboard and clothesline to dry. It is also a problem specifically for me because I am not in possession of a vehicle outside of one that is propelled by my own two legs. It is lucky that my current roommate/future housemate and I have similar schedules; it makes it easier to mooch rides (pitching in for gas, of course). However, she works in insane amount and supposedly, hopefully, I also will have a job during the school year. I suppose that will be something we will just have to wait and see about. It just makes this whole "house" plan a little more stressful.
One last thing I am a little stressed about is money. Obviously it's an issue that causes everyone to stress a bit, but I can't help but feel it in a slightly different way. I was under the impression when I began school the year that my government loans were how I was attending school. I found out about halfway through that my dad had taken out a loan to begin paying for it. I am unclear as to what exactly he is paying for and he has recently been expressing his concern for the inability to obtain another loan for next year. Depending on what he is paying for, I may not be able to use the loans I would have used for rent because I will have to use them to pay for this mystery expense. I am trying not to get too worked up about it because, after all, the loan would have gone to on-campus housing anyway, which is far more expensive, and since they can't really deny me that, I shouldn't be concerned. But it still makes me nervous. It is intesifying my need to find a job, or maybe even two, this summer. It just kills me because no where is hiring. It really isn't fair to the poor college student. I suppose it is my own fault though. And so the search goes on...
BUT!!! I refuse to let this bring me down! I can't stop thinking about living in a house on my own (with my housemate(s) of course). There is an endless list of things that I can't get my mind off of that continuously get me excited. In two days my roommate and I are going to check out the house and I can't wait! Next year is going to be amazing. It can't come soon enough.
Well I've tasted freedom and, boy, is it sweet!
Since I have arrived at college I have enjoyed the wonderful joy that is freedom. I can do what I want, when I want, however I want. I don't have to answer to anyone but myself. Granted I have to take responsibilty for myself, but when you've grown up being responsible for everything, it kind of takes care of itself. As my first year of college draws to a close, I found myself wondering what the next step was for me. Of course I enjoyed everything Ihad this year. I wouldn't trade it for anything. In fact, I'd even do it again. But why repeat what I had, when I could have better?
In this case, "better" comes in the form of a house. YEP! A real house. That I have to pay rent for. A house to clean and care for, to cook in and eat in, to relax in and party in, to study in and focus in. The benefits are endless. What's better? If all goes well, I could be across the street from the beach. As in THE OCEAN. This is looking like it might be the start of an incredible future for me.
Of course it's not all fun and games. There are flaws in the "perfect" plan. For one, "if all goes well" does not include a washer or drier. We may be in the tub with a washboard and clothesline to dry. It is also a problem specifically for me because I am not in possession of a vehicle outside of one that is propelled by my own two legs. It is lucky that my current roommate/future housemate and I have similar schedules; it makes it easier to mooch rides (pitching in for gas, of course). However, she works in insane amount and supposedly, hopefully, I also will have a job during the school year. I suppose that will be something we will just have to wait and see about. It just makes this whole "house" plan a little more stressful.
One last thing I am a little stressed about is money. Obviously it's an issue that causes everyone to stress a bit, but I can't help but feel it in a slightly different way. I was under the impression when I began school the year that my government loans were how I was attending school. I found out about halfway through that my dad had taken out a loan to begin paying for it. I am unclear as to what exactly he is paying for and he has recently been expressing his concern for the inability to obtain another loan for next year. Depending on what he is paying for, I may not be able to use the loans I would have used for rent because I will have to use them to pay for this mystery expense. I am trying not to get too worked up about it because, after all, the loan would have gone to on-campus housing anyway, which is far more expensive, and since they can't really deny me that, I shouldn't be concerned. But it still makes me nervous. It is intesifying my need to find a job, or maybe even two, this summer. It just kills me because no where is hiring. It really isn't fair to the poor college student. I suppose it is my own fault though. And so the search goes on...
BUT!!! I refuse to let this bring me down! I can't stop thinking about living in a house on my own (with my housemate(s) of course). There is an endless list of things that I can't get my mind off of that continuously get me excited. In two days my roommate and I are going to check out the house and I can't wait! Next year is going to be amazing. It can't come soon enough.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
1:40 a.m.
I have decided today that I am a crazy, obsessive, psychopathic girlfriend. It's only a matter of time until he realizes it and doesn something about it. I can't stand being this way, but maybe I'm better off if I juts admit it. I'm better off having how I really feel be up front, rather than hide it until a lot farther down the road and create more pain for myself. I hate being jealous, or not even jealous, but disliking people- especially when they have done absolutely nothing to me. It just hurts so bad. I can't understand it. I've tried tirelessly to get over it, but it only seems to get worse with time. I assume that means I feel something real for him, but it could be ruining things for me later on down the road. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I won't do that for reasons that stand on principle, but I've never wanted to break down so bad. How do I tell him that? I can't do any more than I've already done. It's just frustrating...
I can't handle myself. I don't know how I can expect him to.
I can't handle myself. I don't know how I can expect him to.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Time Will Tell
This should be a quick blog post. I am at my boyfriend's house with him and two of his friends. I like hanging out with them, but sometimes I wonder if they realize what I am doing. I find that everytime I'm here I just do chores, like clean up after them and cook for them and do laundry. The thing is, I almost enjoy it. I feel like that makes me some kind of a domestic housewife-type person and that is the person I always wanted to avoid being. Is being here helping me to figure out who I am? And is who I actually am who I want to be? I think a part of me knows that I could be happy living a similar life to my own mothers, but another part knows that my dream is something real too. I want to be remembered for something important, and right now, being a stay-at-home mom and housewife is not something worth being remembered for. I'm sure it will change when I'm married with kids but for the time-being, it's not what I want. I don't want fame and fortune (although it'd be nice; let's face it, who doesn't want that?). I just want to do something important. I guess only time will tell.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Compromise
Let's count the days left until summer. Or not. While everyone is counting down the days left of school, I sit here and pray that time will go by as slowly as possible. I want nothing more than to bask in the freedom college gives me for as long as I can.
When I go home I will be expected to fall back into the regular routine I was stuck in throughout high school. I don't want that. I can't be thrown back into prison after tasting the freedom I've had all school year. Winter break confirmed my theory and summer break will only prolong it.
I want to be able to go out and not have to inform my parents about my whereabout every three minutes. I want to be able to spend the night with my boyfriend and not have my parents freak out (literally sleeping, not the nasty... maybe *wink*). I want to be able to go to the beach for an entire day and not have to be home for a specific time for no reason. I want to be able to hang out with my friends past midnight without getting scolded.
I don't want to be expected to pick up all of my old chores when none of the kids have chores at all now. I don't want to be expected to babysit at the drop of a hat. I don't want to be bugged about having to get another job if it's my one day off from the job I currently have. I don't want to be bugged about doing things in order to (get permission) to do other things, because, who are we kidding, I always have to ask before I do anything.
I just want to continue my college life, just at home. Granted, I will have to make some sacrifices and I know that, but I don't want to be expected to revert back completely. All I ask is for a little compromise between me and my parents. That's all. Please.
When I go home I will be expected to fall back into the regular routine I was stuck in throughout high school. I don't want that. I can't be thrown back into prison after tasting the freedom I've had all school year. Winter break confirmed my theory and summer break will only prolong it.
I want to be able to go out and not have to inform my parents about my whereabout every three minutes. I want to be able to spend the night with my boyfriend and not have my parents freak out (literally sleeping, not the nasty... maybe *wink*). I want to be able to go to the beach for an entire day and not have to be home for a specific time for no reason. I want to be able to hang out with my friends past midnight without getting scolded.
I don't want to be expected to pick up all of my old chores when none of the kids have chores at all now. I don't want to be expected to babysit at the drop of a hat. I don't want to be bugged about having to get another job if it's my one day off from the job I currently have. I don't want to be bugged about doing things in order to (get permission) to do other things, because, who are we kidding, I always have to ask before I do anything.
I just want to continue my college life, just at home. Granted, I will have to make some sacrifices and I know that, but I don't want to be expected to revert back completely. All I ask is for a little compromise between me and my parents. That's all. Please.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Thought of the Day
I need to stop trying so hard. I realized today, when I spent a good hour trying to figure out what to wear to his house tonight. He doesn't care what I wear, especially when we are hanging out at his house. It makes sense, but I can't shake the feeling that I need to impress him. Constantly, I catch myself thinking "what would he think about..." or "what would he say if I..." I don't want to be that girl who does everything her boyfriend wants her to do, but the truth is, if he wanted me to, I would. What makes it a problem is I can recognize it happening (because it has already happened a few times) but I still do nothing about it. I suppose it could be a good thing because it means all I want is for him to be happy. But changing myself isn't. Nothing huge has changed yet and I will take it upon myself to stand up for myself if a big change is expected to occur, but for now I feel like I'm fine. I just want to be comfortable and happy, and I am.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The "L" Word
What is happening with me? I find myself feeling sad if I don't see him. I don't want to be that needy girl who has to be with him all the time, but I just want to be with him all the time. I've never felt like this before.
Already we are encroaching on the record for my longest relationship and I have yet to feel anything that would make me even think about not being with him. I find myself thinking about the future a lot, which I try not to do because I don't like preparing for things that might not happen. The less you hype yourself up for, the smaller the chance of getting yourself hurt. Aside from that, it's just strange to think about that kind of thing after only three months of dating. Yet, thoughts keep popping up in my head and I can't stop them. Granted, he gives little hints that lead me to believe he is thinking these things too, but I convince myself that I am overanalyzing and he isn't implying anything. I do this to put myself down but the truth is, maybe he does feel that way. I can see big things happening between us, but thinking about the future scares me. Just like it scares me that I feel a constant need to be with him.
More than once have I made excuses so I could be with him and I have no doubts that I will do it again, but why do I do it? I have no reason not to be with other friends and I know he doesn't have a problem with me hanging out with them, yet I continue to make excuses so I can be with him instead. I feel so much happier with him. Even when we fight, I am just happy that we are talking. I can't be mad at him. I get frustrated and angry with the situation, but never with him. When we fight i just want things to be okay between us again. I can't stand having him upset with me and I would do anything to make it better between us.
I can't understand, or even try to understand, what I feel when it comes to him. I always miss him. I love when he says he misses me, when he gently touches me, the way he holds me so tight, the way he says he loves me. I can admit it now. I love him. It still scares me, but I am comfortable admitting it now. I love him so much.
Already we are encroaching on the record for my longest relationship and I have yet to feel anything that would make me even think about not being with him. I find myself thinking about the future a lot, which I try not to do because I don't like preparing for things that might not happen. The less you hype yourself up for, the smaller the chance of getting yourself hurt. Aside from that, it's just strange to think about that kind of thing after only three months of dating. Yet, thoughts keep popping up in my head and I can't stop them. Granted, he gives little hints that lead me to believe he is thinking these things too, but I convince myself that I am overanalyzing and he isn't implying anything. I do this to put myself down but the truth is, maybe he does feel that way. I can see big things happening between us, but thinking about the future scares me. Just like it scares me that I feel a constant need to be with him.
More than once have I made excuses so I could be with him and I have no doubts that I will do it again, but why do I do it? I have no reason not to be with other friends and I know he doesn't have a problem with me hanging out with them, yet I continue to make excuses so I can be with him instead. I feel so much happier with him. Even when we fight, I am just happy that we are talking. I can't be mad at him. I get frustrated and angry with the situation, but never with him. When we fight i just want things to be okay between us again. I can't stand having him upset with me and I would do anything to make it better between us.
I can't understand, or even try to understand, what I feel when it comes to him. I always miss him. I love when he says he misses me, when he gently touches me, the way he holds me so tight, the way he says he loves me. I can admit it now. I love him. It still scares me, but I am comfortable admitting it now. I love him so much.
Monday, March 28, 2011
No Fear
There is no better feeling than the feeling where relief hits you so hard you can almost literally feel it dripping off of you like beads of water. It's refreshing and reviving. You feel invincible, but you let that feeling go really quick because that is how the trouble started. All lessons learned, you're a smarter, stronger person. No regrets, no mistakes. You're a better person for it. Time to show it. Time for responsibility to take priority over pleasure. Let's show the smarts now.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
A Hope that is a Dream
Ever since I was a little girl, I've had this dream. I never knew exactly what I was going to be doing, but I know how I was going to live. I still have this dream. Granted, it's been edited and rearranged a little, but the concept and basic moves are the same. I would live my life hoping for this dream, but making my decisions spontaneously, based on what I'm doing, where I am, who I'm with, and what I want.
This was/still is (in some cases) the idea:
- Graduate high school top of my class and give a speech at graduation
- Graduated top percentile of my class and gave up my chance to give a speech to support a friend who ended up being the speechgiver
- Attend a college in the city and get an internship for a good company
- Attended URI with intentions of studying abroad and going to the city
- Get a good job that I enjoy in the city (something fun and dramatic, like in Hitch or The Devil Wears Prada) that also allows me to travel often
- Live in a beautiful modern apartment by myself
- Dress incredibly and wear heels as often as I want because you can do that in the city
- Meet the man of my dreams and fall in love
- Marry and live in an apartment in the city or a cute little "first home" on the outskirts of the city
- Eventually have 2-3 kids and move to the subburbs
- Be a working mom and raise my kids the way my mom raised me
- Be a Grandmom
- Have a covered porch with a rocking chair in my old age
Then there are a few things that I want to occur throughout my life:
- Stay in touch with family, immediate and distant
- Have constant family reunions
- Classic first Christmas/Thanksgiving with the intended husband and family
- etc.
There are a few problems with what I want and my dreams. For example I had always dreamed of dying dramatically: gun-shot wound saving, saving someone's life, etc. I also may find myself skipping over parts of the list and completing other parts first. Of course, if that happens, my entire list is thrown off and may never recover. But I'm realizing that I may be okay with that because it's what I wanted. As I said in the beginning, this is what I hope for, not my life plan. No one can plan their life. It's just not meant to happen.
And so, I make this list to give myself some solidity to what I want. I know my goals and my dreams. I want to see what I can complete. This makes me think about what I want specifically... but that is a job for another time.
This was/still is (in some cases) the idea:
- Graduate high school top of my class and give a speech at graduation
- Graduated top percentile of my class and gave up my chance to give a speech to support a friend who ended up being the speechgiver
- Attend a college in the city and get an internship for a good company
- Attended URI with intentions of studying abroad and going to the city
- Get a good job that I enjoy in the city (something fun and dramatic, like in Hitch or The Devil Wears Prada) that also allows me to travel often
- Live in a beautiful modern apartment by myself
- Dress incredibly and wear heels as often as I want because you can do that in the city
- Meet the man of my dreams and fall in love
- Marry and live in an apartment in the city or a cute little "first home" on the outskirts of the city
- Eventually have 2-3 kids and move to the subburbs
- Be a working mom and raise my kids the way my mom raised me
- Be a Grandmom
- Have a covered porch with a rocking chair in my old age
Then there are a few things that I want to occur throughout my life:
- Stay in touch with family, immediate and distant
- Have constant family reunions
- Classic first Christmas/Thanksgiving with the intended husband and family
- etc.
There are a few problems with what I want and my dreams. For example I had always dreamed of dying dramatically: gun-shot wound saving, saving someone's life, etc. I also may find myself skipping over parts of the list and completing other parts first. Of course, if that happens, my entire list is thrown off and may never recover. But I'm realizing that I may be okay with that because it's what I wanted. As I said in the beginning, this is what I hope for, not my life plan. No one can plan their life. It's just not meant to happen.
And so, I make this list to give myself some solidity to what I want. I know my goals and my dreams. I want to see what I can complete. This makes me think about what I want specifically... but that is a job for another time.
Fear
Fear. That one feeling that I don't feel very often. It's so rare in fact that this strange feeling can be nothing but fear. It's that feeling when you take a deep breath, you keep sucking air in because you have no lungs. Your heart sounds like a marching band drum line pounding in your ear, but it's impossible because you are sitting in a quiet room all alone. Where in the pit of your stomach, it feels like there is no pit. And maybe that is what you want, what you are looking for. If you don't have a stomach, nothing can happen. But it starts somewhere deeper than that, lower at least. Can that not exist? Can it disappear? Or maybe go to the other extreme. Give me a sign that it is there, that it does exist. Any sign, physical pain even. Help me to know. There is no fear like this fear. This is not a first for me, but it's the first time I have felt this fear over it. I refuse to analyze it for fear that considering my options is admitting there is, in fact, a problem. I'm not ready for that. There is no problem. Thus, there is no fear.
But then what is this feeling?
But then what is this feeling?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Everything Happens for a Reason
"I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries."
Except for the "feels too much" part, this quote is a pretty good summation of who I am. I find that I am learning more about myself every day more than I am learning in school. I change in ways that don't change who I am so much as the realization and reactions to who I've always been. In learning about those things, I learn to love myself. I don't want to do so in the cocky "I love myself! I'm awesome! Everyone should love me!" kinda of way. I need to learn to love myself in an "I appreciate myself, who I am, and what I represent" kind of way.
What I find that I am growing more sick and tired of is the fact that people keep questioning my choices. I made the decisions I made for a reason; whether I complain about the outcome or not, it was my choice. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so if I chose something that makes me unhappy at times, there has got to be a reason. If not a reason, then a lesson. But if it were going to be a lesson, the saying would be "everything happens for a lesson" and as it so happens, it's not.
It might jsut be something I have to get used to. But then again I've been saying that a lot too: "Maybe I just need to get used to it." Maybe it's time for other people to change and clean up their acts instead. But who am I to say that? It's not my place. Someday things will work out. After all, everything happens for a reason.
Except for the "feels too much" part, this quote is a pretty good summation of who I am. I find that I am learning more about myself every day more than I am learning in school. I change in ways that don't change who I am so much as the realization and reactions to who I've always been. In learning about those things, I learn to love myself. I don't want to do so in the cocky "I love myself! I'm awesome! Everyone should love me!" kinda of way. I need to learn to love myself in an "I appreciate myself, who I am, and what I represent" kind of way.
What I find that I am growing more sick and tired of is the fact that people keep questioning my choices. I made the decisions I made for a reason; whether I complain about the outcome or not, it was my choice. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so if I chose something that makes me unhappy at times, there has got to be a reason. If not a reason, then a lesson. But if it were going to be a lesson, the saying would be "everything happens for a lesson" and as it so happens, it's not.
It might jsut be something I have to get used to. But then again I've been saying that a lot too: "Maybe I just need to get used to it." Maybe it's time for other people to change and clean up their acts instead. But who am I to say that? It's not my place. Someday things will work out. After all, everything happens for a reason.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
I Hate Love
This is a quote I discovered while stumbling across the web. It is exactly how I feel about love. Maybe why I am scared of it so much. I fear the pain it will inevitably bring. That's not to say I'm not willing to risk it, because I have found someone I might be willing to risk the pain for, but the fear is still there. I'm just glad I found this Neil Gaiman guy, someone else who understands what I'm feeling.
Frustration and Hope
So it's about a quarter past 3 a.m. and I am still awake. Why? Well because my boyfriend and I are fighting... again. It seems we do this a lot lately. I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with something we have in common: the inability to admit jealousy. It is that or he doesn't trust me. Come to think of it, it could be both. I wish I could understand. I think I am mostly frustrated because he will sarcastically tell me what is wrong on the surface but he won't explain why it bothers him. Shouldn't relationships involve a lot of deep communication? I want to understand him. It kills me not knowing what he is really thinking.
A few people have asked me why I am still with someone if all we do is fight. I answer that it's because I can't be without him. I feel like I can't say things like this to him, after all it's only been a few months. But no one really knows what is going on between us. Yes, we fight a bit, but when we aren't fighting, it's so great. I just want to go back to that. I will go through a million moments like this if it means we can have just one of those happy moments. Just imagining being without him now makes my heart beat fast and my stomach drop to the point where I actually feel nauseous. I can't fathom it. Also ridiculous after only a few months of a relationship, partly why I rarely voice that part of my feelings.
I also can't take too much of what other people say intto account because they don't know the actual situation. I don't reveil too much about what goes on when we are alone because I like keeping our moments between the two of us. There is the occasional "adorable story" or "romantic story" or even "funny story" that I tell a friend, but nothing with too much detail. The same goes for when we have situations like this. I tell friends that we are fighting again. Fighting doesn't include much detail but it's happened often enough lately for those few people to think that it's happening too often. I agree at that point but I almost get offended that they would even suggest such a thing as a break up to me, but I catch myself because they don't know anything.
The thing is, I know what I'm doing wrong, but I can't bring myself to change it. There are the obvious things that I know I should, and will, change. But it's the other things that I have a hard time changing. The ones that involve a bigger change. He tells me that he doesn't want me to change myself, he fell for me not his edited version of me. Yet, he constantly seems to be finding flaws with who I am and what I like. I understand that he might be uncomfortable with certain things but relationships are about compromise, not complete elimination of one sides choices. Something needs to be said but it's difficult to do that with someone who is not willing to talk. I just get frustrated.
But I can't be mad. Yes, I am frustrated but with the situation, not with him. I can't get mad at him. When we fight all I want is for it to be over. I don't want sarcasm or anger or frustration in words from him. I want the tenderness we had. The sweetness. The softness. I just don't like fighting with people I care about and he happens to be at the top of that list. I don't know what else to do without seeming like the crazy, possessive, annoying girlfriend. And again, frustration.
Maybe the best thing to do right now is sleep it off and hope that maybe tomorrow we will both be in "better" states of mind to talk. It's all I can do at this point. Hope.
A few people have asked me why I am still with someone if all we do is fight. I answer that it's because I can't be without him. I feel like I can't say things like this to him, after all it's only been a few months. But no one really knows what is going on between us. Yes, we fight a bit, but when we aren't fighting, it's so great. I just want to go back to that. I will go through a million moments like this if it means we can have just one of those happy moments. Just imagining being without him now makes my heart beat fast and my stomach drop to the point where I actually feel nauseous. I can't fathom it. Also ridiculous after only a few months of a relationship, partly why I rarely voice that part of my feelings.
I also can't take too much of what other people say intto account because they don't know the actual situation. I don't reveil too much about what goes on when we are alone because I like keeping our moments between the two of us. There is the occasional "adorable story" or "romantic story" or even "funny story" that I tell a friend, but nothing with too much detail. The same goes for when we have situations like this. I tell friends that we are fighting again. Fighting doesn't include much detail but it's happened often enough lately for those few people to think that it's happening too often. I agree at that point but I almost get offended that they would even suggest such a thing as a break up to me, but I catch myself because they don't know anything.
The thing is, I know what I'm doing wrong, but I can't bring myself to change it. There are the obvious things that I know I should, and will, change. But it's the other things that I have a hard time changing. The ones that involve a bigger change. He tells me that he doesn't want me to change myself, he fell for me not his edited version of me. Yet, he constantly seems to be finding flaws with who I am and what I like. I understand that he might be uncomfortable with certain things but relationships are about compromise, not complete elimination of one sides choices. Something needs to be said but it's difficult to do that with someone who is not willing to talk. I just get frustrated.
But I can't be mad. Yes, I am frustrated but with the situation, not with him. I can't get mad at him. When we fight all I want is for it to be over. I don't want sarcasm or anger or frustration in words from him. I want the tenderness we had. The sweetness. The softness. I just don't like fighting with people I care about and he happens to be at the top of that list. I don't know what else to do without seeming like the crazy, possessive, annoying girlfriend. And again, frustration.
Maybe the best thing to do right now is sleep it off and hope that maybe tomorrow we will both be in "better" states of mind to talk. It's all I can do at this point. Hope.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Contraditions
Do I want to study abroad?
Yes.
So what's holding me back?
I don't want to be that girl who uses her boyfriend as her excuse for doing or not doing something but in this case it's honestly all I can think about. I've never been this attached to a guy before. It's only been a few months but we're going on a year of "attachment" and I feel things I've never felt before. If I were to go abroad it would probably be next spring or maybe even the fall of my junior year. My issue is I am confident that we are going to work and if we do, how attached will I be that far down the road? I figure giving myself time will make it better, plus I have time to plan and save some money.
Travelling has always been my dream and I can't just let that go for him. This is what I want to do with my life. I guess, realizing that I might have to encounter this a lot if it is my dream, then I should get used to it. The earlier the better. But I find it so hard to just cut all ties and not feel any remorse about it. By cutting ties, I don't mean breaking up, I mean letting go of problems. We fight often when we see each other every day; what would it be like when we are in two different hemispheres?
The more I analyze this the more I realize how ridiculous I am sounding. I am contradicting myself with every word because I say that I don't want to make decisions based on him but every thought I have on the subject relates back to him. It would be so beneficial to me if I go. I need to think about that. I need to go for me.
Of course the other issue is money. Time to talk to the 'rents. Priorities here.
Yes.
So what's holding me back?
I don't want to be that girl who uses her boyfriend as her excuse for doing or not doing something but in this case it's honestly all I can think about. I've never been this attached to a guy before. It's only been a few months but we're going on a year of "attachment" and I feel things I've never felt before. If I were to go abroad it would probably be next spring or maybe even the fall of my junior year. My issue is I am confident that we are going to work and if we do, how attached will I be that far down the road? I figure giving myself time will make it better, plus I have time to plan and save some money.
Travelling has always been my dream and I can't just let that go for him. This is what I want to do with my life. I guess, realizing that I might have to encounter this a lot if it is my dream, then I should get used to it. The earlier the better. But I find it so hard to just cut all ties and not feel any remorse about it. By cutting ties, I don't mean breaking up, I mean letting go of problems. We fight often when we see each other every day; what would it be like when we are in two different hemispheres?
The more I analyze this the more I realize how ridiculous I am sounding. I am contradicting myself with every word because I say that I don't want to make decisions based on him but every thought I have on the subject relates back to him. It would be so beneficial to me if I go. I need to think about that. I need to go for me.
Of course the other issue is money. Time to talk to the 'rents. Priorities here.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Y.O.U.
You. Yes, you. I am writing this for you.
I know you are reading this. And I want you to know I am writing this for you. No one else will understand. No one else knows. They think that this is for them. But it’s not. I am writing this for you.
I want you to know, life…it’s hard. Every day can be a challenge. It can be a challenge to get up in the morning. To get yourself out of bed. To put on that smile. But I want you to know, that smile is what keeps me going some days. You need to remember, even through the tough times, you are amazing. You really are.
You should be happy. You are gorgeous.
I know that the weather might not be perfect. You might have to turn your back to the wind or feel the cold nipping at your nose. But you know what, at least you are there to feel it. At least you can enjoy the sun’s warm rays on your face. Or that cold wind biting at your cheeks. You know what that means?
You are alive.
Everything will be okay.
I know you are reading this. And I want you to know I am writing this for you. No one else will understand. No one else knows. They think that this is for them. But it’s not. I am writing this for you.
I want you to know, life…it’s hard. Every day can be a challenge. It can be a challenge to get up in the morning. To get yourself out of bed. To put on that smile. But I want you to know, that smile is what keeps me going some days. You need to remember, even through the tough times, you are amazing. You really are.
You should be happy. You are gorgeous.
I know that the weather might not be perfect. You might have to turn your back to the wind or feel the cold nipping at your nose. But you know what, at least you are there to feel it. At least you can enjoy the sun’s warm rays on your face. Or that cold wind biting at your cheeks. You know what that means?
You are alive.
Everything will be okay.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Butterflies and Maggots
Oh what I wouldn't do to avoid emotions. I have never been emotionally attached to anyone. Even my parents say I was a distant child, loving to cuddle and have my own back rubbed, but never succumbing to the hugs and kisses that followed. Strangely willing to give back rubs to other people, but never wanting any affection afterward. Doing tasks merely for the satisfaction of someone else's satisfaction. These traits have inevitably followed me to my teenage years and will undoubtedly follow me into my twenties and thirties and fourties and so on. Emotions are the evil spawn of the butterflies that fill your stomach when you are "happy". They infest your intestines with little maggots of feelings that burrow deep inside you, waiting until the most inopportune time to chew through your organs and hurt you in ways no one can understand until you're doubled over in pain with tears running down your cheeks. The pain that fills your body is a pain that no aspirin can alleviate. Doctors might have fancy terminology for it but the common slang term is a "broken heart". The worst thing that could happen to you should you let anyone get too close for too long.
Usually I fear these moments, the close ones, where the risk of attachment becomes all too real. Recently I discovered that I am a hypocrit. I am living that way right now. I have unknowingly, and yet completely knowingly, opened myself up to a man who could potentially treat me the right way. I live in fear of this man and my instincts still tell me to shun him, or at least his feelings, from my heart, as I have. But lately, I have discovered a secret about myself that I never knew. My heart has a backdoor, one without a lock, that likes to swing open every once in a while to to a strong breeze, probably from the flapping of wings of those damn butterflies. Somehow this man is sneaking his way into my heart and it is messing with my mind.
A man has never stepped foot inside my heart before so the feeling is confusing. My mind is telling me that I am only "attached" to him but my heart is pounding from his footsteps and it's saying "no, you're falling in love". Which is scarier to imagine, I can't decide. Attachment leads to a messy break-up at some point in the future, one that could potentially ruin quite a few friendships. But falling in love requires sacrificing my whole self. Part of me asks "well, if you are really in love than it's not really a 'sacrifice' and even if it was, if you were really in love, you wouldn't care about the sacrifice so long as you are together." That part of me would be correct. It is in the admitting stage where I get stuck. What do I believe? What do I admit? What do I feel? Why am I so confused? Why am I lying to myself?
Today, proof surfaced. I was having an argument with said man and towards the end I found myself telling him that I would change myself for him, despite previous promises to myself to never change anything about myself for a man. I caught myself as I was tellling him this and yet proceeded to say it. I began to have an epiphany. If I am willing to change for a man, does that mean I have found the one worth this "sacrifice" of love? I wasn't sure. Not too much later in our conversation, this man scolded me and told me never to change for him or anyone. Who I am is who people want to see, not his creation of me. That is when I knew. Someone who would want that for me, to be honest and truthful to myself before anyone else, was perfect for me.
This is when I am supposed to get all sappy and write about how much I love this man and how I would do anything for him. Well, I'm not. My instincts have regained control of my brain and my heart. However, the two have agreed to collaborate and mull over the new information that has been produced. Updates to follow.
I will admit one thing: I have never felt anything like this feeling in my life. This man is special. Really special.
Usually I fear these moments, the close ones, where the risk of attachment becomes all too real. Recently I discovered that I am a hypocrit. I am living that way right now. I have unknowingly, and yet completely knowingly, opened myself up to a man who could potentially treat me the right way. I live in fear of this man and my instincts still tell me to shun him, or at least his feelings, from my heart, as I have. But lately, I have discovered a secret about myself that I never knew. My heart has a backdoor, one without a lock, that likes to swing open every once in a while to to a strong breeze, probably from the flapping of wings of those damn butterflies. Somehow this man is sneaking his way into my heart and it is messing with my mind.
A man has never stepped foot inside my heart before so the feeling is confusing. My mind is telling me that I am only "attached" to him but my heart is pounding from his footsteps and it's saying "no, you're falling in love". Which is scarier to imagine, I can't decide. Attachment leads to a messy break-up at some point in the future, one that could potentially ruin quite a few friendships. But falling in love requires sacrificing my whole self. Part of me asks "well, if you are really in love than it's not really a 'sacrifice' and even if it was, if you were really in love, you wouldn't care about the sacrifice so long as you are together." That part of me would be correct. It is in the admitting stage where I get stuck. What do I believe? What do I admit? What do I feel? Why am I so confused? Why am I lying to myself?
Today, proof surfaced. I was having an argument with said man and towards the end I found myself telling him that I would change myself for him, despite previous promises to myself to never change anything about myself for a man. I caught myself as I was tellling him this and yet proceeded to say it. I began to have an epiphany. If I am willing to change for a man, does that mean I have found the one worth this "sacrifice" of love? I wasn't sure. Not too much later in our conversation, this man scolded me and told me never to change for him or anyone. Who I am is who people want to see, not his creation of me. That is when I knew. Someone who would want that for me, to be honest and truthful to myself before anyone else, was perfect for me.
This is when I am supposed to get all sappy and write about how much I love this man and how I would do anything for him. Well, I'm not. My instincts have regained control of my brain and my heart. However, the two have agreed to collaborate and mull over the new information that has been produced. Updates to follow.
I will admit one thing: I have never felt anything like this feeling in my life. This man is special. Really special.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Future Thoughts
I've started thinking about my future. What do I want? I have two different plans for myself and I don't know what to choose. Luckily I don't have to yet, but it's something I will have to choose later on. I have my selfish plan, the plan that will lead me to everything I ultimately want. The other plan is with someone, making a family in the perfect little family world. Is there a way to have both and still provide the stability a family needs but still be the spontaneous person I have always dreamt of being? I want nothing more than to follow the dream I've had for the past years but I can't bring myself to admit that I can die without having kids of my own and being okay with it. I want that- kids, house, the whole shebang. I'm stuck on how to decide. I guess I should focus on the man who would provide me with the children first. That's important. I can postpone this decision at least until I figure that out.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
L*** is...
"I wanted so badly to lie down next to him on the couch, wrap my arms around him, and sleep together. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage. I was gawky and he was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and he was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on my bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and he was hurricane."
This is a quote that I was led to by StumbleUpon.com and it made me think. It was originally written about a girl, but for obvious gender reasons, I switched all of the pronouns around to fit my own situations. I actually took out a few parts as well, parts about sex and fucking to make it more appealing to my own eyes. It was a personal choice. This is a final product. My transformation if you will.
When I read it, it made me think. There are so many reasons for people to fall for one another, but no one ever has the guts to say something about it. I mean, everyone has attractions and you can't help who you fall for. It's just natural. When I try to think about why I fell for my boyfriend, I can't come up with a real, tangible answer. I have yet to be asked the question "why did you choose me?" but I know it will inevitably some at some point. While the answer technically doesn't matter, because the point is that I am there at all, I would still like to have an answer. Answers are always better than technicalities. I would also like to be able to ask the question back, but if I don't answer then it's not fair for him to.
This quote made me think about all of that. How did I fall for him? He was always so suave and funny. Or maybe it was his horrible attempt to be suave that made him so funny. Either way he made me laugh. At the same time, even if he tried too hard, or if he even tried at all, I felt myself melt because I knew that he really was trying. I love hearing him laugh and seeing him smile; even now when I talk to him, everything I say is in a effort to make him crack a smile or give me a soft chuckle. I don't know if he knows how much I try. That's also how I knew I was falling for him: I've never felt a need to try before. Guys were never a problem for me and I didn't care what they thought, even if we started dating. With him, I can't help but wonder what he thinks of every move I make. I still try to impress him with everything from the way I dress to the way I smell to the way I talk. I don't want him to get bored and I don't want to be boring. More than anything I love the way he looks at me when he smiles. That soft look in his eyes and a slight grin on his face. I always wonder what he's thinking but I've yet to gather up the courage to ask.
Then there are the standard things that everyone says when they are asked the question. He's smart, he's athletic, he's strong, he's approachable, he's friendly. But he's so much more than that. He has a group of friends that would do anything for him and they've been friends forever. They remain friends no matter what one of them is doing or going through. He is visually attractive, but not in the typical "tall, dark,a nd handsome" way. He is tall and he is dark and he is handsome, but it's different for him. He's got Italian features and amazingly soft lips. I look at his eyes and fall into them. I forget about everything else. And his arms... oh I'm a sucker for arms, but his...
I love that when we kiss, I have to stand on my tip-toes and he has to bring his face down to mine. I love that he is strong enough to carry me but gentle enough to brush my hair out of my eyes. I love that he still believes in chivalry but he doesn't treat me differently because I'm a girl. I love that he doesn't mind hanging out with me with his friends. I love that he doesn't hang all over me in public but he still gives light kisses when they are warrented. I love that we always happen to coincidentally think the same things. I love that we always text each other at the same time to start conversations. I love that we love the same things and hate the same things. I love that we don't judge each other. I love that when it comes down to it, we would both do anything for each other, even if we didn't want to.
As the days pass, I realize more and more that I am really falling for this boy. I had a major hit the other day when I realized that I was jealous. Not of a girl that he was talking to or of his relationship with a friend. But because I know that other girls have had his heart before I have. I'm jealous that I couldn't have him first. I count all the times that he says he has had a "first" with me because I know that I will never, in any aspect be any of his major "firsts". I will always and forever be "the girl after the girl who broke my heart". Hopefully, I can be the girl who fixed his broken heart. I've never been so hurt by words he says that are supposed to make me feel so good, but don't because I know that he's spoken them to another girl before me. It's not the same, but he can never know. It's something I just have to get over. Being with him now is enough. I just have to find a way to top the rest of them. That will be my hardest task of all.
This boy, I love so much about him, more than he knows. I might even love him, as a whole. That sounds funny, but I can't find a way to describe it in words. Love itself is such a strange word. It has so much meaning and I refuse to take it lightly. That's why when it's said, I feel nothing but the weight of it. I don't want to feel the weight. I want to feel the meaning. When he says he loves me and I feel the meaning? That's when I'll know that I'm in love.
This is a quote that I was led to by StumbleUpon.com and it made me think. It was originally written about a girl, but for obvious gender reasons, I switched all of the pronouns around to fit my own situations. I actually took out a few parts as well, parts about sex and fucking to make it more appealing to my own eyes. It was a personal choice. This is a final product. My transformation if you will.
When I read it, it made me think. There are so many reasons for people to fall for one another, but no one ever has the guts to say something about it. I mean, everyone has attractions and you can't help who you fall for. It's just natural. When I try to think about why I fell for my boyfriend, I can't come up with a real, tangible answer. I have yet to be asked the question "why did you choose me?" but I know it will inevitably some at some point. While the answer technically doesn't matter, because the point is that I am there at all, I would still like to have an answer. Answers are always better than technicalities. I would also like to be able to ask the question back, but if I don't answer then it's not fair for him to.
This quote made me think about all of that. How did I fall for him? He was always so suave and funny. Or maybe it was his horrible attempt to be suave that made him so funny. Either way he made me laugh. At the same time, even if he tried too hard, or if he even tried at all, I felt myself melt because I knew that he really was trying. I love hearing him laugh and seeing him smile; even now when I talk to him, everything I say is in a effort to make him crack a smile or give me a soft chuckle. I don't know if he knows how much I try. That's also how I knew I was falling for him: I've never felt a need to try before. Guys were never a problem for me and I didn't care what they thought, even if we started dating. With him, I can't help but wonder what he thinks of every move I make. I still try to impress him with everything from the way I dress to the way I smell to the way I talk. I don't want him to get bored and I don't want to be boring. More than anything I love the way he looks at me when he smiles. That soft look in his eyes and a slight grin on his face. I always wonder what he's thinking but I've yet to gather up the courage to ask.
Then there are the standard things that everyone says when they are asked the question. He's smart, he's athletic, he's strong, he's approachable, he's friendly. But he's so much more than that. He has a group of friends that would do anything for him and they've been friends forever. They remain friends no matter what one of them is doing or going through. He is visually attractive, but not in the typical "tall, dark,a nd handsome" way. He is tall and he is dark and he is handsome, but it's different for him. He's got Italian features and amazingly soft lips. I look at his eyes and fall into them. I forget about everything else. And his arms... oh I'm a sucker for arms, but his...
I love that when we kiss, I have to stand on my tip-toes and he has to bring his face down to mine. I love that he is strong enough to carry me but gentle enough to brush my hair out of my eyes. I love that he still believes in chivalry but he doesn't treat me differently because I'm a girl. I love that he doesn't mind hanging out with me with his friends. I love that he doesn't hang all over me in public but he still gives light kisses when they are warrented. I love that we always happen to coincidentally think the same things. I love that we always text each other at the same time to start conversations. I love that we love the same things and hate the same things. I love that we don't judge each other. I love that when it comes down to it, we would both do anything for each other, even if we didn't want to.
As the days pass, I realize more and more that I am really falling for this boy. I had a major hit the other day when I realized that I was jealous. Not of a girl that he was talking to or of his relationship with a friend. But because I know that other girls have had his heart before I have. I'm jealous that I couldn't have him first. I count all the times that he says he has had a "first" with me because I know that I will never, in any aspect be any of his major "firsts". I will always and forever be "the girl after the girl who broke my heart". Hopefully, I can be the girl who fixed his broken heart. I've never been so hurt by words he says that are supposed to make me feel so good, but don't because I know that he's spoken them to another girl before me. It's not the same, but he can never know. It's something I just have to get over. Being with him now is enough. I just have to find a way to top the rest of them. That will be my hardest task of all.
This boy, I love so much about him, more than he knows. I might even love him, as a whole. That sounds funny, but I can't find a way to describe it in words. Love itself is such a strange word. It has so much meaning and I refuse to take it lightly. That's why when it's said, I feel nothing but the weight of it. I don't want to feel the weight. I want to feel the meaning. When he says he loves me and I feel the meaning? That's when I'll know that I'm in love.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Happy Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day is closing in on us. What a Hallmark induced holiday. It's nothing more than a bunch of money-hungry old men looking to make a buck. I suppose I ought to be more cheerful because I actually have a reason to celebrate it this year, but I can't get my mind off the fact that it's not real. Saint Valentine was a person who achieved his "Saint" status from good, commendable deeds, not overpriced chocolates and teddy bears. I don't want to be sucked in to the media's awful atrophy of this holiday. The idea that gifts must be given seems like a waste to me, but I know that I will be forced into purchasing one, not from desire but from a social obligation.
So the problem now becomes, not the destruction of a once respectable holiday, but finding the right gift. What does one get a guy on Valentine's Day? For the most part, optically anyway, Valentine's Day is a holiday for women. You buy them chocolates or flowers or balloons or jewelry. What guy would actually appreciate a gift like that without sacrificing his manhood in the process? Even gifts that are meant for men are actually for women. For example, buying a man sexy women's lingerie implies that you are buying him a "good time" (wink wink) but you don't honestly expect him to wear it. You expect him to give it to his female counterpart. So what does the guy get?
Dinner sounds like a good plan, but it's a problem when your guy is set on chivalry. Yeah it's great and we complain about the lack of it in our men today, but it kind of ruins our plans to pay for a romantic dinner. If your guy lets you grab the tab then congratulations. But my guy will wrestle me for the bill any day so that idea crosses itself off the list. Where does that leave me? I'm stuck in a hole with no present and a highly overblown present-giving holiday. Wonderful. That's when I get creative.
I decided that if my presents can't be genuine, then I'll make them funny. I will make them so corny that he won't be able to help but laugh. I'll purchase the most stereotypical Valentine's Day presents and add the sappiest Valentine's Day wishes and wrap them in obnoxiously bright Valentine's Day wrapping. I will be so cute that he will want to puke and even then, the very chunks of his vomit will be glittery and pink and in the shape of hearts. Maybe then he will realize that I don't enjoy Valentine's Day. Maybe then, he will take me seriously when I say that I don't want to exchange gifts. Maybe then, we'll get a real idea of love.
Enjoy your holiday... <3
So the problem now becomes, not the destruction of a once respectable holiday, but finding the right gift. What does one get a guy on Valentine's Day? For the most part, optically anyway, Valentine's Day is a holiday for women. You buy them chocolates or flowers or balloons or jewelry. What guy would actually appreciate a gift like that without sacrificing his manhood in the process? Even gifts that are meant for men are actually for women. For example, buying a man sexy women's lingerie implies that you are buying him a "good time" (wink wink) but you don't honestly expect him to wear it. You expect him to give it to his female counterpart. So what does the guy get?
Dinner sounds like a good plan, but it's a problem when your guy is set on chivalry. Yeah it's great and we complain about the lack of it in our men today, but it kind of ruins our plans to pay for a romantic dinner. If your guy lets you grab the tab then congratulations. But my guy will wrestle me for the bill any day so that idea crosses itself off the list. Where does that leave me? I'm stuck in a hole with no present and a highly overblown present-giving holiday. Wonderful. That's when I get creative.
I decided that if my presents can't be genuine, then I'll make them funny. I will make them so corny that he won't be able to help but laugh. I'll purchase the most stereotypical Valentine's Day presents and add the sappiest Valentine's Day wishes and wrap them in obnoxiously bright Valentine's Day wrapping. I will be so cute that he will want to puke and even then, the very chunks of his vomit will be glittery and pink and in the shape of hearts. Maybe then he will realize that I don't enjoy Valentine's Day. Maybe then, he will take me seriously when I say that I don't want to exchange gifts. Maybe then, we'll get a real idea of love.
Enjoy your holiday... <3
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Look Out World...
So it's been a while since I posted, but I have a few excuses. For one school started up again...
Actually, that's the only reason I have and it's really bad. I could say sorority stuff is overwhelming me but I signed up for it so I can't complain about a self-induced issue. Although if you can't complain about that, then what do you ever complain about?
My other semi-excuse could be my new-found addiction to StumbleUpon.com. That thing is a failure waiting to happen. My grades may or may not feel the impact of this addiction. Perhaps I ought to enter myself in a clinic for the internetually insane. Give the world a few years and I'm sure those will be real things. If I were smart I would copyright that term now; I could be a rich woman someday. That is assuming the world doesn't end next December. All I have to say about that is that it had better not otherwise I have spent my entire life in school. NOT. COOL.
So lately, I have been having crazy feelings. I refuse to call them emotions yet because admitting that will lead to bad things for me. I stick to the term feelings because it covers a whole range of... well, feelings, from literal to mental. I find that I have times where I want nothing more than to cry, but I hold in because I am not a crier. Crying is a major sign of weakness in my opinion and if I were to break my own rule... I can't even begin to explain the crazy things that would occur inside my brain. To give an idea, I guess I would compare it to something like a tire exploding off of a car in motion, sending the vehicle spiriling out of control and into a ditch where it self-combusts and creates a huge explosion of firey chaos. Somehow the driver, in this situation, me, emerges from the flame engulfed car virtually unscathed only to later show signs of post traumatic stress which leads to reactions similar to that of tourrettes.
So, that being said, I do not cry. The other half of the time I just feel angry. Or maybe angry isn't the right term. I'm too proud to admit to jealousy, but I suppose secretly that could be what it is. I just don't understand how men's minds work. Without considering my math, the third half of the time, I am happy. I love being with him, and he makes me feel like no one else ever has. But the fact that I feel sad/angry/jealous and I know it's because of him, it dulls the happiness. I want nothing more than to feel the genuine happiness I felt at the beginning of the relationship. That seems lame, because we've only been together for a little over a month, but counting the "friendship" we had before makes it so much longer. In that time I allowed myself to open up and get unintentionally attached. Sometimes, it seems like it was so much easier then. I was happy and yet still independent. I want to go back to that time without losing the relationship status. I've never been confronted with something so mentally hard to handle.
i just wish I had someone to tell me how to go about doing everything. A leader of some sort. I've always been my own leader and I normally would have it no other way, but this situation puts me in a position that leaves me no other option but to ask. I don't know who to ask and I don't know how to ask, which I guess is no more helpful than knowing how to say something to him. This must be one of life's lessons. "Learn to take care of yourself, in a different way." Time to man up and just do it. Retain my own morals and be independent again. If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself. Old mottos- it's time to bring them back into play.
Look out world.
I'm back.
Actually, that's the only reason I have and it's really bad. I could say sorority stuff is overwhelming me but I signed up for it so I can't complain about a self-induced issue. Although if you can't complain about that, then what do you ever complain about?
My other semi-excuse could be my new-found addiction to StumbleUpon.com. That thing is a failure waiting to happen. My grades may or may not feel the impact of this addiction. Perhaps I ought to enter myself in a clinic for the internetually insane. Give the world a few years and I'm sure those will be real things. If I were smart I would copyright that term now; I could be a rich woman someday. That is assuming the world doesn't end next December. All I have to say about that is that it had better not otherwise I have spent my entire life in school. NOT. COOL.
So lately, I have been having crazy feelings. I refuse to call them emotions yet because admitting that will lead to bad things for me. I stick to the term feelings because it covers a whole range of... well, feelings, from literal to mental. I find that I have times where I want nothing more than to cry, but I hold in because I am not a crier. Crying is a major sign of weakness in my opinion and if I were to break my own rule... I can't even begin to explain the crazy things that would occur inside my brain. To give an idea, I guess I would compare it to something like a tire exploding off of a car in motion, sending the vehicle spiriling out of control and into a ditch where it self-combusts and creates a huge explosion of firey chaos. Somehow the driver, in this situation, me, emerges from the flame engulfed car virtually unscathed only to later show signs of post traumatic stress which leads to reactions similar to that of tourrettes.
So, that being said, I do not cry. The other half of the time I just feel angry. Or maybe angry isn't the right term. I'm too proud to admit to jealousy, but I suppose secretly that could be what it is. I just don't understand how men's minds work. Without considering my math, the third half of the time, I am happy. I love being with him, and he makes me feel like no one else ever has. But the fact that I feel sad/angry/jealous and I know it's because of him, it dulls the happiness. I want nothing more than to feel the genuine happiness I felt at the beginning of the relationship. That seems lame, because we've only been together for a little over a month, but counting the "friendship" we had before makes it so much longer. In that time I allowed myself to open up and get unintentionally attached. Sometimes, it seems like it was so much easier then. I was happy and yet still independent. I want to go back to that time without losing the relationship status. I've never been confronted with something so mentally hard to handle.
i just wish I had someone to tell me how to go about doing everything. A leader of some sort. I've always been my own leader and I normally would have it no other way, but this situation puts me in a position that leaves me no other option but to ask. I don't know who to ask and I don't know how to ask, which I guess is no more helpful than knowing how to say something to him. This must be one of life's lessons. "Learn to take care of yourself, in a different way." Time to man up and just do it. Retain my own morals and be independent again. If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself. Old mottos- it's time to bring them back into play.
Look out world.
I'm back.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Pet Peeves
Today I was wondering what all my pet peeves are. God knows there are a ton. Some are big, some are small, some are... whatever. So I decided to make a list. This is what I got so far.
- being talked down to... HATE that
- People snoring
- Noises when I need to focus
- People who chew with their mouths open
- People who can't chew gum quietly
- Slurping while eating
- People who refuse to clean up after themselves when it gets to the point when it effects me
- Hearing music from people's headphones
- Incompetant doctors
- Two faced people to change their opinions based on the people they are with
- People who think it's okay to dress scandelously on a regular basis
- Being ignored
- People who count their calories
- People who only eat salad
- People who whine about their weight when they have nothing to whine about
- Being over-looked
- Girls who don't care that their thongs hang out of their pants
- People who sugar coat things to make me feel better
- When people don't tell me things
- When people take my things without asking
- One word text messages
- Being asked to change
- People who use their phone in the movie theater
- Being blamed for things that aren't my fault
- Squeaky, high pitched voices
- Being told "you can't"
- People who treat you like you're drunk or stupid all the time when clearly you can care for yourself
- Forgotten important dates
- Small innocent jokes that get carried away
- Losing freedom
- Being asked over and over every day about getting a job
- When people get mad for no apparent reason, yet it's my fault somehow
- Being bugged about money
- Sound effects people make with their mouths that continue for over three minutes straight
- When everyone is clueless about things like this and all you can do it sit there and stew
- Complaining
- Whining
Which is exactly what this list is. I'm done.
- being talked down to... HATE that
- People snoring
- Noises when I need to focus
- People who chew with their mouths open
- People who can't chew gum quietly
- Slurping while eating
- People who refuse to clean up after themselves when it gets to the point when it effects me
- Hearing music from people's headphones
- Incompetant doctors
- Two faced people to change their opinions based on the people they are with
- People who think it's okay to dress scandelously on a regular basis
- Being ignored
- People who count their calories
- People who only eat salad
- People who whine about their weight when they have nothing to whine about
- Being over-looked
- Girls who don't care that their thongs hang out of their pants
- People who sugar coat things to make me feel better
- When people don't tell me things
- When people take my things without asking
- One word text messages
- Being asked to change
- People who use their phone in the movie theater
- Being blamed for things that aren't my fault
- Squeaky, high pitched voices
- Being told "you can't"
- People who treat you like you're drunk or stupid all the time when clearly you can care for yourself
- Forgotten important dates
- Small innocent jokes that get carried away
- Losing freedom
- Being asked over and over every day about getting a job
- When people get mad for no apparent reason, yet it's my fault somehow
- Being bugged about money
- Sound effects people make with their mouths that continue for over three minutes straight
- When everyone is clueless about things like this and all you can do it sit there and stew
- Complaining
- Whining
Which is exactly what this list is. I'm done.
Insecurities
The following is just a tangent. I am letting my train of thought run off its tracks. Bare with the randomness.
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I had an epiphany yesterday during a conversation with a close friend. I was venting about my jealousy of my man's best friend, a girl, when I realized that I am not jealous of her, but her relationship with him. The girl herself is very cool. In any other situation I think we could be really good friends; actually I have no doubts that we will be eventually. What bothers me about this girl is the way the two of them are together. Allow me to clarify my thoughts.
First, the two of us have so much in common. Me and Ashley (the friend) are so much alike that it's almost scary; it's how I know that we would be very good friends. When I say we are alike, I mean we do the same kind of things, we say the same kind of things, we think the same kind of way. I catch it a lot. What bothers me is that because, supposedly my man and her have been friends for longer than he and I have known each other so she beat me to the punch with a lot of things. This puts me in a tight spot because now when I want to say or do certain things, two things often happen. One, he will call me on it and say something like "Hey, ashley does/says the same thing!" and there is nothing I hate more than being compared to people, espcially other girls. Or two, it will look like I'm trying to copy, or be like, Ashley, which is entirely not true. My problem is that whether or not he thinks this or is even conscious of this fact, I can't do anything with him without wondering if he's remembering her.
Now I want this to be perfectly clear. As I said before, I am not jealous of Ashley. I know how he feels toward her and I believe that. They are best friends and that is all. I just hate so much being compared to other people. It bothers me more to be compared to Ashley than it does to be compared to his ex-girlfriends. And as I've said, it's because we are so alike that I can't do anything without feeling like I'm a poser. This eats at me because it's who I am. So I'm caught. Two incredibly strong inner feelings pulling me in two different directions. Do I do my normal thing and look exactly like Ashley? Or do I continue stopping myself so I appear to be a different person?
This is when my mind jumps in. "Never change for a man. Ever." That has been my motto forever and it always will be. I don't intend to change for anyone. This is when I find myself wondering if I'm looking for a loophole. If, by stopping myself from seeming like Ashley, am I changing for him? The debate begins. I'm not changing, I'm jsut holding back. But if by holding back it's changing how I seem to him, is it "change"? I'm beginning to think it is. But then half of me thinks that if I were to go back to who I really am, it would be an obvious change, to me at least, so would it seem that way to him too? As I've stated multiple times, I hate being compared to other people. I guess it's my greatest fear. I've always been my own person. Being like someone is something I can hardly bare. Admitting it to myself that Ashley and I actually are alike is huge. I don't know if I could handle someone else thinking so too.
Another debate pulls it's way into my head. He tells me Ashley is like his little sister. He tells me he really likes me and things we do together lead me to believe he is not looking at me like a sister. Where does my mind get caught up? Ashley and I ahave so much in common. Too much. So where does this separation go? Either he sees me as a sister or he sees her as more than a sister. Considering he already doesn't see me as a sister leads me to think what I don't want to believe. Then another thought comes in: he probably doesn't know how alike we are because I have kept it hidden for fear of being compared. So then, if I were to be all me, would he change his mind? Would I seem like a sister too? Would I remind him of Ashley too much? I think too much. I need to stop.
When I try to tell myself that everything I just mentioned above is ridiculous and I shouldn't worry about it, I remember times when I've seen them toegther, or even not together. First when they aren't together. he is always talking to her. I don't have a problem with that. They're friends. I talk to my friends a lot. When it bothers me is when he and I are hanging out and she will text him. He will not put down the phone. Ever. We could be in the movies, out to eat, hanging out at one of our houses. I will always know when she texts him because he will always say out loud "Ashwee!" What do I make of that? Maybe it would bother me less if he would do the same with me when he is with her, but alas he doesn't. When he is with her, he will just happen to not respond to my texts until they are no longer together. It doesn't bother me that he doesn't respond to my texts. I'm not entirely insane. I don't get possessive or jealous or stupid like that. What bothers me if the fact that he has no problem doing it with her but when it comes to me things change. I find myself questioning who the girlfriend is. It hurts. But how do you say that to him? "I want you to text me the entire time you're with Ashley?" Yeah... that doesn't sound insane. There is no way to change it. I just have to come to terms with it. I just can't.
Being with the two of them may or may not be worse. He will chose a conversation with her over me at the drop of a hat. Granted my conversation topics are limited because I'm putting in extra effort to not be compared to Ashley when in her presence. It's just frustrating to actually be there and still be looked over. Take our last trip to the movies. During the movie, the two of them talked the entire time, shared a drink, and made plans to hang out again soon. No big deal, right? He doesn't remember me talking to him during the movie (I tend to talk a lot, it's a bad habit). His entire body was turned away from me. I read his body language and it was tilted in every way toward her. Legs, knees facing her, elbow on the armrest their two chairs shared, head resting on that very arm. At some times, his entire back was facing me. The two of them made plans to see movies I asked him to see with me at an earlier time. Yeah, he could see it twice, but it's not the same. The entire time I could do nothing but sit there and just watch it happen. I'm not sure if anyone can understand my frustration, but it makes a ball form in my throat, like when you want to cry, except tears don't come. I just feel my heart beating really fast and my head get really hot.
At this point I don't know what to do. I want to just be me 100% but I can't stand the thought that he is going to think of Ashley every time I do anything. I can't bring myself to tell him because then he'll just think it instead of saying it out loud, which is just as bad. I'm so confused and so lost and I don't know what to do. Even when I'm alone I find myself thinking about Ashley. I probably think about her more than he does. I am doing this to myself. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but if no one knows, is there really drama?
I just want this all to go away. I want to be who I've always been. Why don't I remember her being a factor before? It seems like it only happened when I started having feelings for him. Over the summer I don't remember him talking to her. Am I going crazy? I'm not jealous of her. I am sure of that fact. What I'm jealous of is an ambiguous object. I need to get over this. It's nothing.
But it's not. Fuck.
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I had an epiphany yesterday during a conversation with a close friend. I was venting about my jealousy of my man's best friend, a girl, when I realized that I am not jealous of her, but her relationship with him. The girl herself is very cool. In any other situation I think we could be really good friends; actually I have no doubts that we will be eventually. What bothers me about this girl is the way the two of them are together. Allow me to clarify my thoughts.
First, the two of us have so much in common. Me and Ashley (the friend) are so much alike that it's almost scary; it's how I know that we would be very good friends. When I say we are alike, I mean we do the same kind of things, we say the same kind of things, we think the same kind of way. I catch it a lot. What bothers me is that because, supposedly my man and her have been friends for longer than he and I have known each other so she beat me to the punch with a lot of things. This puts me in a tight spot because now when I want to say or do certain things, two things often happen. One, he will call me on it and say something like "Hey, ashley does/says the same thing!" and there is nothing I hate more than being compared to people, espcially other girls. Or two, it will look like I'm trying to copy, or be like, Ashley, which is entirely not true. My problem is that whether or not he thinks this or is even conscious of this fact, I can't do anything with him without wondering if he's remembering her.
Now I want this to be perfectly clear. As I said before, I am not jealous of Ashley. I know how he feels toward her and I believe that. They are best friends and that is all. I just hate so much being compared to other people. It bothers me more to be compared to Ashley than it does to be compared to his ex-girlfriends. And as I've said, it's because we are so alike that I can't do anything without feeling like I'm a poser. This eats at me because it's who I am. So I'm caught. Two incredibly strong inner feelings pulling me in two different directions. Do I do my normal thing and look exactly like Ashley? Or do I continue stopping myself so I appear to be a different person?
This is when my mind jumps in. "Never change for a man. Ever." That has been my motto forever and it always will be. I don't intend to change for anyone. This is when I find myself wondering if I'm looking for a loophole. If, by stopping myself from seeming like Ashley, am I changing for him? The debate begins. I'm not changing, I'm jsut holding back. But if by holding back it's changing how I seem to him, is it "change"? I'm beginning to think it is. But then half of me thinks that if I were to go back to who I really am, it would be an obvious change, to me at least, so would it seem that way to him too? As I've stated multiple times, I hate being compared to other people. I guess it's my greatest fear. I've always been my own person. Being like someone is something I can hardly bare. Admitting it to myself that Ashley and I actually are alike is huge. I don't know if I could handle someone else thinking so too.
Another debate pulls it's way into my head. He tells me Ashley is like his little sister. He tells me he really likes me and things we do together lead me to believe he is not looking at me like a sister. Where does my mind get caught up? Ashley and I ahave so much in common. Too much. So where does this separation go? Either he sees me as a sister or he sees her as more than a sister. Considering he already doesn't see me as a sister leads me to think what I don't want to believe. Then another thought comes in: he probably doesn't know how alike we are because I have kept it hidden for fear of being compared. So then, if I were to be all me, would he change his mind? Would I seem like a sister too? Would I remind him of Ashley too much? I think too much. I need to stop.
When I try to tell myself that everything I just mentioned above is ridiculous and I shouldn't worry about it, I remember times when I've seen them toegther, or even not together. First when they aren't together. he is always talking to her. I don't have a problem with that. They're friends. I talk to my friends a lot. When it bothers me is when he and I are hanging out and she will text him. He will not put down the phone. Ever. We could be in the movies, out to eat, hanging out at one of our houses. I will always know when she texts him because he will always say out loud "Ashwee!" What do I make of that? Maybe it would bother me less if he would do the same with me when he is with her, but alas he doesn't. When he is with her, he will just happen to not respond to my texts until they are no longer together. It doesn't bother me that he doesn't respond to my texts. I'm not entirely insane. I don't get possessive or jealous or stupid like that. What bothers me if the fact that he has no problem doing it with her but when it comes to me things change. I find myself questioning who the girlfriend is. It hurts. But how do you say that to him? "I want you to text me the entire time you're with Ashley?" Yeah... that doesn't sound insane. There is no way to change it. I just have to come to terms with it. I just can't.
Being with the two of them may or may not be worse. He will chose a conversation with her over me at the drop of a hat. Granted my conversation topics are limited because I'm putting in extra effort to not be compared to Ashley when in her presence. It's just frustrating to actually be there and still be looked over. Take our last trip to the movies. During the movie, the two of them talked the entire time, shared a drink, and made plans to hang out again soon. No big deal, right? He doesn't remember me talking to him during the movie (I tend to talk a lot, it's a bad habit). His entire body was turned away from me. I read his body language and it was tilted in every way toward her. Legs, knees facing her, elbow on the armrest their two chairs shared, head resting on that very arm. At some times, his entire back was facing me. The two of them made plans to see movies I asked him to see with me at an earlier time. Yeah, he could see it twice, but it's not the same. The entire time I could do nothing but sit there and just watch it happen. I'm not sure if anyone can understand my frustration, but it makes a ball form in my throat, like when you want to cry, except tears don't come. I just feel my heart beating really fast and my head get really hot.
At this point I don't know what to do. I want to just be me 100% but I can't stand the thought that he is going to think of Ashley every time I do anything. I can't bring myself to tell him because then he'll just think it instead of saying it out loud, which is just as bad. I'm so confused and so lost and I don't know what to do. Even when I'm alone I find myself thinking about Ashley. I probably think about her more than he does. I am doing this to myself. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but if no one knows, is there really drama?
I just want this all to go away. I want to be who I've always been. Why don't I remember her being a factor before? It seems like it only happened when I started having feelings for him. Over the summer I don't remember him talking to her. Am I going crazy? I'm not jealous of her. I am sure of that fact. What I'm jealous of is an ambiguous object. I need to get over this. It's nothing.
But it's not. Fuck.
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