Until Next Time...

So it worked for a little bit. But then I got distracted again. Maybe because I didn't blog for long enough? The only sad thing is, as I blog I am conscious of the fact that I could be doing my paper so I don't want to stay on and type on here even if I like it better. I guess my experiment will have to go on hold for the time being because this paper needs to get done. Wahhh... :(
I guess this is good-bye.
Until next time...

A Lack Of Focus

I CAN'T FOCUS ON MY PAPER AND I NEED TO GET IT DONE RIGHT NOW. INSTEAD OF DOING THE SMART THING, I AM BLOGGING. THIS IS BAD. And yet it is strangely calming. Maybe this is a way of focusing all of my crazy thoughts so I can get them out in an organized fashion and as a result be able to focus on my paper more. I am so glad I opened this webpage and gave in to my desire to type randomness until my randomness desire is fulfilled. I am beginning to no longer make sense. I suppose it is better to not make sense here than to not make sense on my paper. Thank God for blogs. I suppose I should text my hypothesis now and write some of my paper. I'll be back with updates on how it goes.

Christmastime :)

Christmas is my favorite holiday, but not for the typical reasons, like recieving presents. Instead I enjoy the smells, the appearance, the atmosphere; everyone is happier, more cheerful, and nicer on a regular basis. I love how I can walk in the door of my own house and smell nothing but pine trees and cookies. The walls are full of wreaths and garland. Fake snow falls off of the shelves every time one of my siblings runs by. In the kitchen, Christmas music is playing while Lilly, the youngest, helps my mom decorate sugar cookies. In the living room, my dad and my middle sister wrestle for the remote. He wants to watch football; she wants to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas. Turn to the side and see our yellow lab, Buddy, lying down in front of the fireplace. He is curled up on the half rug with his head propped up on the hearth, fast asleep. It's a wonder her nose doesn't melt; it's so hot. What's that noise? Alex, the second youngest, is outside throwing snowballs at Daniel, the second oldest. He keeps missing and is hitting the glass sliding door instead. I open the door to scold him and instead get a face full of snow from Daniel. That does it. I step outside, closing the door behind me, and tackle him into the snowfort he and Alex have spent the afternoon building. It's war. Snowballs fly and children run everywhere. Screams can be heard from down the street but no one comes to see what is the matter. They know better. It's just those crazy Takita kids at the top of the hill. The screams do, however, draw our parents outside, which, of course, results in another face full of snow. Here comes dad, barreling after Daniel who prompty jumps on a sled and takes off down the hill. Monkey see, monkey do, Alex jumps on the snow tube and quickly follows. Lilly wants in so Kathleen, the middle child, picks her up and takes her down on the big sled. Just as dad hops on the last snow disk, I decide that it's too cold for me to be running around without a jacket anymore. I slip away quietly before anyone can notice and run inside to grab one. On my walk back down the hill, I slow my pace and take a few deep breaths. It's chilly, but it smells like snow. The sky is gray and hints that my olfactory senses might be correct. Suddenly the wind shifts and I get a whiff of burning fire. The smoke from our chimney makes its way up my nostrils and sends a comforting chill down my spine. It reminds me of late nights when the whole family sits by the fire with mugs of hot chocolate and watches an old black and white Christmas movie together. Dad works less, the kids are home from school, the house shines and sparkles from the lights hung outside designated to make our house appear to be made of gingerbread. There is nothing homier to me than the holidays. A scream followed by laughter jerks me back to the present and I remember that I was previously engaged in a snow war. I grab a handfull of snow and crush it into a ball. Arm cocked, I sneak down the hill, readying myself for inevitable attack...

Men and their periods

I swear men are far more moody than women are. They have good moods followed by bad moods followed by irritable moods followed by sad moods until it loops back to good moods again. Keep in mind this cycle takes palce in about a two hour time period. never once has a man known when my own period is and yet I can tell you exactly when a man begins and ends his. The guy that I have been talking to is so up and down that I can't understand him anymore. You figure I'd be used to it but this has only been occurring recently. It is confusing me so much and I am not sure what side I should look at and take a real, true feelings. I mean, emotionally, he is semim-unstable, and I guess I knew that, but in terms of feelings he is a roller coaster. One day he likes me more than anything and wants nothing more than spend the whole day with me and the next day he is stand-offish and moody. It's hard for me to keep up and yet I will do nothing more than continue to try over and over until things work out for the both of us. I can't help the fact that I care an unbelievable amount for this boy and he will always be important to me, even if in the end it doesn't work out. Until I find out whether or not it will work out, I guess I just have to put up with his PMS. Buckle up! This roller coaster doesn't look like it's stopping anytime soon...

Story of my life...

"Truth is everybody's going to hurt you; you just have to find the one's worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

This quote has to be the story of my life. I want to say that it is directed towards my man, but truth is, it's probably directed towards me too. I need to find a way to let myself open up and accept the fact that maybe someone can make my life better and I don't need to be alone all the time. I call myself an independent (though I have definitely seen some more independent girls, a few of whom are my friends) and I will always support myself, but I think I can learn to let someone help me. No one ever said we have to go though life alone. This guy just has such a hold on me that I don't know what to make of it. I have never been so attached to someone for so long. It's all new to me and I don't know if I should be scared or excited or nervous or what. I have been holding my emotions in because I refuse to let myself feel things for someone who doesn't offer a secure relationship. Lately however, I have found myself admitting things more and more often. This could be bad. Yet, over the past few weeks, his responses are more than reassuring that a relationship is possible. Fingers crossed right?

A Better Situation

If you're going out with someone new
I'm going out with someone too
I won't feel sorry for me, I'm getting drunk
But I'd much rather be somewhere with you.

Just a little poem (or lyrics) that I found. On Facebook, of course; where else? It spoke to me because it is similar to my situation. If both parties feel this way, then why isn't some measure taken to make it so this situation ends and another, better situation begins?

It's always the best friend...

So a guy has a best friend. She is a girl. He talks about her constantly and about how she is the only person he trusts 100% and she's so wonderful and she's such a great person. Who does he talk about her to? The girl he has been leading on for about eight months. He would never do anything with this girl; they are strictly best friends. That makes it okay right? Well what about when he tells the girl that he is kind of with that he trusts her and she is wonderful and she is a great person etc. etc. etc. What is a girl supposed to do then? Is he lying about the best friend or about the girl he is with? One way or another he is lying and I guess that is the main problem, yet when I look at myself in this situation I can't help but just be hurt by the fact that he is most likely lying to me. And I can't blame him because I have a guy friend who I would trust with my life. I can honestly say that I love him; I would do anything for him. If my guy ever came to me complaining about my relationship with my best guy friend, I would probably just get angry with him. That is what holds me back from saying anything about this best friend situation. Is it wrong of me to be bothered by it though? It's a valid feeling, right? He tends to talk about her and her characteristics a lot and I am almsot starting to take offense. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but it almost seems like he is trying to give me hints on how to change and be more like the kind of person he is attracted to. While I have always refused to change myself for a guy, I can't help but ask myself "what would *insert best girl friend's name here* do in this situation?". I hate that I am comparing myself to her. What's worse is I actually like her. She is a very cool person and in any other situation, I could see myself being really good friends with her. Not that this situation is stopping me but it's certainly affecting it. I feel stupid for worrying about this when he constantly says things that reassure me that he only has feelings for me. Then again, if he was telling the truth about that then why are we still not exclusive? I guess I understand that aspect of it, but that's a story for another time. *sigh* I suppose I will just have to deal with things for the time being...

What is love? Baby don't hurt me...

Who gets to say what love is or isn't? It's such a strong feeling and yet a person can never be sure if what they are feeling is really love or not. It's my personal opinion that it is okay to be scared to fall in love. Why shouldn't you be scared? To open up your life, and heart, to someone like that, on such a high level of trust, is terrifying. I can't possibly be the only one who thinks so. yet why doesn't the male gender understand? They seem to  just take advantage of the fact that they can control us women through our feelings. When does it switch? Just once I would love to be in control of a man and use his feelings as the strings that  make him move, like a maestro manipulates his puppets. Perhaps this is a bitter view, but I am sick and tired of being tricked into revealing my feelings and then getting absolutely nothing in return. Could this be the root of my commitment problem? It's ironic that the only reason I can't have a decent relationship with a man is because of men themselves.

First Time

Well, we all have a lot of firsts. This is my first blog post... ever. I am usually not one to complain, but these are stressful times in college. A girl can only handle so much on her own. I guess I ultimately made the decision to blog because, in college, I don't have many friends. I mean, I have tons of "friends" but not many I'd trust with my deep dark secrets. There are two. I can't even trust my best friend anymore. Ironic, I know. She judges my every move; I can't do anything without being criticized. She must live a perfect life right? No. She got pregnant and is getting married in less than three weeks. Perfect position to pass judgement. But I can't hold a grudge. She is probably just acting out because of the pregnancy; I've heard it makes a woman moody. I still hold onto the belief that pregnant or not, moody or not, you still know who your friends are. We've been best friends since the seventh grade. I will always support her. And that is why on the ninteenth of December, I will be by her side as she exchanges vows with her boyfriend, as her maid of honor. That girl better know that I love her.