What do I have to do to get you to listen? It doesn't seem like you hear me when you "listen" to me.
I just want you to pay attention to what hurts me.
It's beginning to become a very physical pain.
What is left for me to do?
I've tried approaching you and talking about it.
It obviously didn't stick.
What is left for me to do?
That is the best thing I could have done in this situation.
Do I need to write up a list so you can see everything at once?
Like rules?
Is that what you want?
I don't want to be that girl but if that's what it takes for you to stop hurting me, I'll do it.
Self-preservation is human's first instinct, right?
I don't think I'm asking too much really.
- Don't flirt with other girls.
- Flirting includes: complimenting them in innappropriate ways (gorgeous, beautiful, hot, sexy, etc)
saying 'I love you' even jokingly
<3
innappropriate talk (most importantly about sex)
- Give me even half of the attention you give other girls publicly.
- "Public" meaning anything from when we're out together to stupid little things on Facebook.
- Just because you're 21 doesn't mean you have to drink.
- Don't get on my case about doing what everyone else does, when you do, especially when it comes to alcohol.
- Tell me when you're drinking.
- This might be the one instance where I feel like you could fight me on legitimacy. To be honest, it makes a difference to me. I just want to know. It makes me feel more comfortable. And who knows, maybe telling me will make you realize just how much you're doing it.
- Don't literally drink and drive.
- I don't like it. I don't want it. It's illegal. Don't do it. It pisses me off. I don't like you driving after having had a few drinks, but I know I can't stop that so at least do this.
- Don't text and drive.
- I've repeatedly told you I don't like it. Why do you keep doing it? Just stop. It really scares me.
- At least try to be personable around my friends and family.
- I know we have a lot of the same friends, but the few that I have that aren't friends with you, please, try to have fun. Socialize or something. Please.
- Please try to make an effort with my family too. I know you don't like "meeting parents" or whatever, but you've met them now a bunch of times. Please be there for me. Come to family events when I invite you and socialize. Please. My family is the single most important thing to me and if for whatever reason they decide they don't like you, my choice will be whatever they decide. Don't make me choose. Please just make this effort. For me. Please.
Am I asking too much? Am I being ridiculous? Writing this list has brought me to tears.
I just want answers. I want to see change. I've changed more than I'm willing to admit for you.
They aren't huge changes; just little ones.
Little things go a lot further than guys think. Than you think.
It hurts so much that we've made it this far and these things are still an issue for me.
I just want to know that you care enough not to hurt me anymore.
Please.
Make an effort in our relationship.
I'm begging you.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
One of Those Nights
It's going to be another one of those nights where I sit alone in my room and fight back tears. The tears that are inevitable because in the back of my heart, I want them to fall. It will help me feel better. I think. Of course, it doesn't eradicate the problem. It will always be there until I decide that I need to open my mouth and say what's on my mind. It just keeps piling up. Perhaps I'm nosey, perhaps I'm obsessive, perhaps I'm not what anyone thinks I am. I like to think the latter. But I don't change because changing isn't who I am. What if who I am is trying to be who I'm not? That can be a thing right? If who I'm not is who I am then I am who I'm not and who I'm not I am. I am not who I am and I am who I am not. I feel like a scene out of a Dr. Seuss book.
Recently I feel like I have discovered every pet peeve of mine. It shouldn't be a big deal but these things bother me to no end. I can't even justify them with importance because they are the dumbest things to upset myself over. But I can't change that they do and they will continue to bother me forever. Or until I decide to just say something about it.
Is it ironic that I'm listening to "Say" by John Mayer right now? He is telling me to "say what you need to say" but I just can't do it. I don't want to sound like a possessive, psychotic, crazy, insane, obsessive, needy, clingy, whiney girl, but maybe that's who I am. Love me for that instead of the quiet submissive girl I seem like.
Tears burn my eyes and I just want to break down, but my ego won't let me. Maybe this is a sign. I can't even cry by myself for fear of embarrassment or shows of weakness. Maybe somewhere down the line when I was feigning strength to avoid the spotlight, I actually became strong. Acting for so long made the performance real. This is exactly what I wanted, but I didn't count on having to realize the change. I don't want to have to be strong. I want to be happy and pain-free. I guess life isn't like that. I just wish I could find a way to say what's on my mind.
Just because I got better with a situation doesn't mean I'm over it yet. I'm just better at handling it. Secretly, it still bothers me just as much, if not, more than it always has. It's the fact that no one notices that I'm secretly writhing in pain that bothers me, but how would they know? The show is too good. I fool everyone. I blame myself for my own pain. I made too many mistakes that got me to this point in my life. I don't regret anything because the final product is exactly what I wanted. I just never considered the situations I'd be in.
I suppose I have no choice but to let someone see my horrible ugly side. That's the only way to get rid of the pain. I need to. All that's left is to hope that they can see past all of that and still love me for how I am all the time and, more importantly, for how I was when they met me.
Recently I feel like I have discovered every pet peeve of mine. It shouldn't be a big deal but these things bother me to no end. I can't even justify them with importance because they are the dumbest things to upset myself over. But I can't change that they do and they will continue to bother me forever. Or until I decide to just say something about it.
Is it ironic that I'm listening to "Say" by John Mayer right now? He is telling me to "say what you need to say" but I just can't do it. I don't want to sound like a possessive, psychotic, crazy, insane, obsessive, needy, clingy, whiney girl, but maybe that's who I am. Love me for that instead of the quiet submissive girl I seem like.
Tears burn my eyes and I just want to break down, but my ego won't let me. Maybe this is a sign. I can't even cry by myself for fear of embarrassment or shows of weakness. Maybe somewhere down the line when I was feigning strength to avoid the spotlight, I actually became strong. Acting for so long made the performance real. This is exactly what I wanted, but I didn't count on having to realize the change. I don't want to have to be strong. I want to be happy and pain-free. I guess life isn't like that. I just wish I could find a way to say what's on my mind.
Just because I got better with a situation doesn't mean I'm over it yet. I'm just better at handling it. Secretly, it still bothers me just as much, if not, more than it always has. It's the fact that no one notices that I'm secretly writhing in pain that bothers me, but how would they know? The show is too good. I fool everyone. I blame myself for my own pain. I made too many mistakes that got me to this point in my life. I don't regret anything because the final product is exactly what I wanted. I just never considered the situations I'd be in.
I suppose I have no choice but to let someone see my horrible ugly side. That's the only way to get rid of the pain. I need to. All that's left is to hope that they can see past all of that and still love me for how I am all the time and, more importantly, for how I was when they met me.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Sick and Tired
Sick and tired of being used and abused and shit on.
Sick and tired of being the one you always go to.
Sick and tired of not being listened to.
Sick and tired of being judged.
Sick and tired of bitches who can’t act their age.
Sick and tired of the drama.
Sick and tired of being stressed.
Sick and tired of you being the problem.
Sick and tired of trying and getting nothing.
Sick and tired of putting on a nice face for you.
Sick and tired of listening to your shit.
Sick and tired of never seeing changes.
Sick and tired of not wanting to go to my own home.
Sick and tired of everything.
I hate all of you. Every single one of you. You are the reason I’m such a bitter person. Congratulations on your achievment. You officially suck.
Sick and tired of being the one you always go to.
Sick and tired of not being listened to.
Sick and tired of being judged.
Sick and tired of bitches who can’t act their age.
Sick and tired of the drama.
Sick and tired of being stressed.
Sick and tired of you being the problem.
Sick and tired of trying and getting nothing.
Sick and tired of putting on a nice face for you.
Sick and tired of listening to your shit.
Sick and tired of never seeing changes.
Sick and tired of not wanting to go to my own home.
Sick and tired of everything.
I hate all of you. Every single one of you. You are the reason I’m such a bitter person. Congratulations on your achievment. You officially suck.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Me Vs. People
I'm stressing pretty hard. Thing is: I'm not even stressing about me. Lately I seem to be so caught up in helping everyone else that I haven't had time to stress about me. Sure, I find time to worry about it and think about my issues, but I don't have time to linger on it.
However, I have caught myself stressing about everyone else and have lately come to wonder why. It's not my problem and most of the time no one listens to me anyway so why should I bother?
On top of that, those of whom I help, rarely seem to care about me in return. So the question that hangs even heavier over my head is: why do I care?
Simple answer? I shouldn't.
But I can't stop. I can't be rude. I can't leave them hanging. It's not who I am.
I wish I could say I wish I were different, but I don't. I like who I am and how I am. I just wish it wasn't so stressful. I wish other people would care about me like I care about them.
However, I have caught myself stressing about everyone else and have lately come to wonder why. It's not my problem and most of the time no one listens to me anyway so why should I bother?
On top of that, those of whom I help, rarely seem to care about me in return. So the question that hangs even heavier over my head is: why do I care?
Simple answer? I shouldn't.
But I can't stop. I can't be rude. I can't leave them hanging. It's not who I am.
I wish I could say I wish I were different, but I don't. I like who I am and how I am. I just wish it wasn't so stressful. I wish other people would care about me like I care about them.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
That's how I know...
How do I know I'm in love?
It's been over a year and all of the little things still get to me...
My heart skips a beat when I see his name light up the screen on my phone.
I catch my breath when he touches me in any way accidentally.
I still get butterflies when I know I'm going to see him soon.
I feel a warmth come over my body when we have an unexpected visit.
His hugs make me feel like everything is alright.
He can never seem to hold me tight enough.
His kisses still make my skin tingle.
His emotions mirror my own and vice versa.
I do everything I can just to get him to crack a smile.
His approval means everything to me.
He is the first person I talk to when something good happens to me.
He is the first person I talk to when something bad happens to me.
He is the only person I can tolerate for days, let alone hours, at a time.
I can't sleep as easily when he isn't there.
I always miss him.
When I have nothing on my mind, he always is.
That's how I know I'm in love.
It's been over a year and all of the little things still get to me...
My heart skips a beat when I see his name light up the screen on my phone.
I catch my breath when he touches me in any way accidentally.
I still get butterflies when I know I'm going to see him soon.
I feel a warmth come over my body when we have an unexpected visit.
His hugs make me feel like everything is alright.
He can never seem to hold me tight enough.
His kisses still make my skin tingle.
His emotions mirror my own and vice versa.
I do everything I can just to get him to crack a smile.
His approval means everything to me.
He is the first person I talk to when something good happens to me.
He is the first person I talk to when something bad happens to me.
He is the only person I can tolerate for days, let alone hours, at a time.
I can't sleep as easily when he isn't there.
I always miss him.
When I have nothing on my mind, he always is.
That's how I know I'm in love.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I love you, but...
So today my mother called "to chat". We all know what that means.
I received the same old tired lecture about how I need to work more and drink less and study harder and focus better and basically be this amazing, successful, perfect person who is opposite of who I am.
...
Well, I've decided not to change a thing about myself. Why? Because I am happy (enough) the way I am and I know I'm headed in the right direction.
What I do with my money is my decision and I will handle it in a way that will not stress me out before I need it. If I want to buy a car instead of paying off my student loans early, let me do it. This car will lessen my stress now because, as most people can tell, I am beginning to crumble under the weight of it. I will pay it off in increments later when it won't kill me to work and make ends meet as a college student just because I don't want to worry about it later when I won't have classes and a part time job to worry about.
Yes, I only have one part time job because I am a full time student. I understand that some people can handle it and I might be one of them, which i proved by having three jobs this summer. However, that does not mean that I plan on living the rest of my life in a similar manner. I worked three jobs all summer because I had nothing else to do with my time but be nagged by my stay-at-home mother. Work was my escape and I took it gladly with arms wide, wide open. Now that I am living away from home and attending school every day, I would like an afternoon or two of downtime. I realize it could be put toward making money to pay off student loans, but it could also be put toward studying or letting myself breathe for a moment.
I have a house off campus because the university did not give me housing. I did everything correctly and on the right days. There is no reason why I was penalized with no housing for the year because I did everything the way I was supposed to. If the school screwed up, it is not my fault. You can trust me when I say I made a fairly large scene in the housing office when this news came to my attention. The phone lines were buzzing and I was fighting. On top of all this, it happened five months ago. We have been over this time and time again. Let it go already.
Yes, I drink. I am a college student. While that is not an excuse, I am not irresponsible about it. I never drive if I have been drinking. I take care of my friends who have been excessively drinking. In regards to pictures on Facebook, the only people with alcohol in their hands are people who are of age. I never have a drink in my hand in pictures, even tagged ones. I edit everything carefully for the simple reason that I know my future employers could be looking at my Facebook, even if it is set to the most private setting possible. Regardless, even if I hadn't thought of any of this, at least take it as a good sign that I am willing to be open with you about this. I have nothing to hide from you. Trust me in at least knowing that I am smart enough to not be stupid.
Don't insult me by hinting that my grades are slipping because I "drink too much, too often." You don't even bother to ask how my grades are, even if the semester is over, and yet you use it as an excuse against me. As a matter of fact, I am excelling far above everyone in my main major and I am holding my own fairly well in my second major. My classes are doing just fine and it is for that very reason that I do allow myself to have some fun once in a while. Forgive me for celebrating a bit more in the beginning while I still can, but I have some making up to do after the prison I just endured with you all summer. No offense, of course.
If I am at my boyfriend's house, it is none of your business as long as my grades stay up and my focus remains strong. You never bothered to ask before and now that you realize things are serious with me, you start getting worried in all the wrong areas. Worry about how I'm going to pay rent or get to and from class, not what where I am when I have some free time, especially if it is someone who is willing to help me do the aforementioned things.
Lastly, I am almost 20 years old. I understand I am your eldest and you are still having some problems letting go, but just remember, the longer you hold on, the more I will want to go and the worse terms we will be on when the grasp is released. Make it easy on all of us. Just let go. I won't run. I will still be within arms reach for a while. I'm still learning this "live on my own" thing. But don't treat me like an immature child who doesn't consider anything when it comes to finances, education, future, etc. Let me learn my own lessons. Trust me and let me do this.
I love you, but sometimes I hate talking to you.
I received the same old tired lecture about how I need to work more and drink less and study harder and focus better and basically be this amazing, successful, perfect person who is opposite of who I am.
...
Well, I've decided not to change a thing about myself. Why? Because I am happy (enough) the way I am and I know I'm headed in the right direction.
What I do with my money is my decision and I will handle it in a way that will not stress me out before I need it. If I want to buy a car instead of paying off my student loans early, let me do it. This car will lessen my stress now because, as most people can tell, I am beginning to crumble under the weight of it. I will pay it off in increments later when it won't kill me to work and make ends meet as a college student just because I don't want to worry about it later when I won't have classes and a part time job to worry about.
Yes, I only have one part time job because I am a full time student. I understand that some people can handle it and I might be one of them, which i proved by having three jobs this summer. However, that does not mean that I plan on living the rest of my life in a similar manner. I worked three jobs all summer because I had nothing else to do with my time but be nagged by my stay-at-home mother. Work was my escape and I took it gladly with arms wide, wide open. Now that I am living away from home and attending school every day, I would like an afternoon or two of downtime. I realize it could be put toward making money to pay off student loans, but it could also be put toward studying or letting myself breathe for a moment.
I have a house off campus because the university did not give me housing. I did everything correctly and on the right days. There is no reason why I was penalized with no housing for the year because I did everything the way I was supposed to. If the school screwed up, it is not my fault. You can trust me when I say I made a fairly large scene in the housing office when this news came to my attention. The phone lines were buzzing and I was fighting. On top of all this, it happened five months ago. We have been over this time and time again. Let it go already.
Yes, I drink. I am a college student. While that is not an excuse, I am not irresponsible about it. I never drive if I have been drinking. I take care of my friends who have been excessively drinking. In regards to pictures on Facebook, the only people with alcohol in their hands are people who are of age. I never have a drink in my hand in pictures, even tagged ones. I edit everything carefully for the simple reason that I know my future employers could be looking at my Facebook, even if it is set to the most private setting possible. Regardless, even if I hadn't thought of any of this, at least take it as a good sign that I am willing to be open with you about this. I have nothing to hide from you. Trust me in at least knowing that I am smart enough to not be stupid.
Don't insult me by hinting that my grades are slipping because I "drink too much, too often." You don't even bother to ask how my grades are, even if the semester is over, and yet you use it as an excuse against me. As a matter of fact, I am excelling far above everyone in my main major and I am holding my own fairly well in my second major. My classes are doing just fine and it is for that very reason that I do allow myself to have some fun once in a while. Forgive me for celebrating a bit more in the beginning while I still can, but I have some making up to do after the prison I just endured with you all summer. No offense, of course.
If I am at my boyfriend's house, it is none of your business as long as my grades stay up and my focus remains strong. You never bothered to ask before and now that you realize things are serious with me, you start getting worried in all the wrong areas. Worry about how I'm going to pay rent or get to and from class, not what where I am when I have some free time, especially if it is someone who is willing to help me do the aforementioned things.
Lastly, I am almost 20 years old. I understand I am your eldest and you are still having some problems letting go, but just remember, the longer you hold on, the more I will want to go and the worse terms we will be on when the grasp is released. Make it easy on all of us. Just let go. I won't run. I will still be within arms reach for a while. I'm still learning this "live on my own" thing. But don't treat me like an immature child who doesn't consider anything when it comes to finances, education, future, etc. Let me learn my own lessons. Trust me and let me do this.
I love you, but sometimes I hate talking to you.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Easy Living (?)
So we are officially all moved into 67 Twinleaf Trail. I absolutely LOVE it here. It's gorgeous and the roommates are great and I'm reunited with my best friend and... ahhh... it's just so nice. Classes start tomorrow and I start my new job in the afternoon. It should be a fun day of firsts.
However, on the negative side, I am beginning to get seriously nervous. I have 2 grand in the bank right now but I need to pay a rent of $575 every month. That 2 grand is going to disappear real quick, especially since I will be pitching in for gas because I am bumming rides so often. Plus I have to eat so food is a necessary (required?) cost. The stress of needing money up front is just hitting me hard. I am really hoping my loans go through soon so I can stop worrying.
Still, nothing can bring me down from the happy high I am on right now. I missed living on my own. This is so wonderful.
However, on the negative side, I am beginning to get seriously nervous. I have 2 grand in the bank right now but I need to pay a rent of $575 every month. That 2 grand is going to disappear real quick, especially since I will be pitching in for gas because I am bumming rides so often. Plus I have to eat so food is a necessary (required?) cost. The stress of needing money up front is just hitting me hard. I am really hoping my loans go through soon so I can stop worrying.
Still, nothing can bring me down from the happy high I am on right now. I missed living on my own. This is so wonderful.
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